Marriage separation and living arrangements - HELP

[Leavingbyebye]

Been married for 12 years. For the last 5 of those, things have got progressively more distant. For the last 3, we’ve been in separate bedrooms, and only had sex twice. It’s clear to me there isn’t a future, we have no DC (and aren’t able to), and we feel like strangers under the same roof, bound by putting on appearances for family, mutual friends, occasions etc.

I am so unhappy and as I turn 40 this year, can’t face treading water any longer. I want to tell him I wish to separate (with a view to divorce) but I am so scared for many reasons. The first is that whilst deeply unhappy and unsatisfying, there is no drama. And I know that initiating that will inevitably cause a great deal of upset, along with comment and involvement from friends and family. I am a very private person and not sure how to navigate that. Any advice welcome.

The second major worry, and the subject of my post is the housing situation. As mentioned, no DC, but we do have 2 dogs. We own our home (mortgaged) not a huge amount of equity in it and we are stuck in a fixed rate mortgage (which is now an asset given where interest rates have gone!). I cannot afford to buy him out (at the moment) but I can afford the monthly mortgage payments on my own. My ideal situation, I think, is that I remain here and pay the mortgage, and he move out and rent somewhere. He would still benefit from being joint owner of this home and increasing equity, but would obviously need to pay rent elsewhere even if he wasn’t paying this mortgage. He isn’t great with money so I know he will push back on this. I also know neither of us has a greater ‘right’ to be in the home. All I know is I can afford the mortgage and he can’t. I’m in a mess and this is proving the stumbling block to all the conversations I need to have. I don’t want to sell the home and pay breakage costs on a mortgage. At / towards the end of the mortgage fixed term I’d want to sell the house and split the equity. But that is another 3 years off and I can’t imagine living as is until that point. I have no legal right to ask him to leave, do I? But if I leave, I have to continue paying the mortgage here and pay rent elsewhere? And then there’s the dogs, which mean it would be hard to get a private rental.

So sorry for the rambling. Any pragmatic advice or emotional support would be hugely welcomed

Sorry to hear that op, it doesn't sound great.

If you opt to pay the mortgage while he rents elsewhere, you'll be paying his share so he benefits long term.

Have you tried marriage guidance counselling? It sounds to me like you're just fed up after watching your relationship fizzle away to nothing. Do you have any deep conversations with him about your future or anything?

It sounds like you're in a grey world and are looking for a way out. I will say, you might go out of the frying pan into the fire. Can you not just focus on getting happiness from seeing friends and taking up hobbies?

It just seems to me that your decision might be a bit premature, after all you can't afford to take over the mortgage now and you aren't arguing loads or being rotten to each other.

I'd be tempted to go to marriage guidance, even if it's only to clear the air and find out what each of you wants and to get help and guidance to find the right course for you both.

Thanks for your reply @chipswitheveryting youre right about my grey mindset 🙁I think the issue is we DO have our own hobbies and interests, but they are both entirely separate. The ick has hugely set in and I don’t find him at all attractive. I have tried to drop hints (and more, speaking quite directly) about getting fit, going to the dentist, and a few other issues out but he just ignores me and goes on the defensive. We are nothing more than companions and it is a really lonely way to spend life. Marriage counselling to me is only an option if I can see us salvaging it, but I feel it’s too far gone.

I get your point around the house, but I wouldn’t mind if it benefitted him as that might make it more likely he’d leave? I’d have to stomach that 50% of the equity when we sold would be his I guess, but I can’t see him moving out otherwise. It’s a big enough house that we both live almost in separate rooms. It just feels like I’m sleepwalking through life. I want to be loved and to love in return again 😭

Hi, I lived with my now ex husband for two years before we sold the house and finalised the divorce- we both dated other people and lives like flatmates.
While not the ideal situation, we knew our marriage was over, we slept separately in different bedrooms, did our own cooking, laundry etc just lived as flatmates until the house sold. It can be done, just see it as a means to an end - once your mortgage term has ended, you can sell without penalty.