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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling

19 replies

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 21:34

Hi this is my first post on here. I’ve always read people threads and see great advice on here so thought maybe I could use your help. I’ve been married for 10 years to a man much older than me. It was love at first sight he was amazing. My family were not happy due to it moving fast and also age gap(15 years) but being young and naive I thought everyone was just jealous as I was happy. He was always quite controlling but at that age you just think they care. I fell pregnant and that’s where it al started to go downhill. He’s very insecure and as started to get a bad temper which means I get the end of it.I can never do anything right in his eyes, I’m young and dumb and I really can’t be myself anymore. Im literally losing myself and cry every night. I can’t go out, can’t be without my phone incase I miss his calls, I can’t wear what I want, I can’t do anything. The outside world everything is perfect and no one knows what I’m going through. I pretend everything is great yet I’m living a nightmare. I’m frighten of his temper and he knows that. When he’s nice he’s amazing but just something so small can trigger him off. I think he is depressed as he recently lost his job. I doing everything and support anything he does yet he verbally abuses me and controls everything. I’m sorry my post might not make sense but there’s so much I could say just don’t know how as I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do

OP posts:

Original poster

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 21:36

Before anyone says leave him this is not a choice as I don’t have the strength to do that and second I have no where go. Yes I’m pathetic but hope somebody understands how low my self esteem is now and I really can’t see out

OP posts:

rothbury · 30/01/2023 21:45

Leaving is only choice. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear.

You owe it to yourself and your child to get out of this abusive situation. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for them.

I can understand he has destroyed your self esteem, but it’s not too late. Contact Women’s Aid and they should be able to help you. Do you have no family or friends who would help you?

Original poster

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 21:49

Today we went to do the food shop and in the car I could see his mood change and I just knew it was going be horrible for me. We got to the shop and he got out and slammed the door I didn’t say anything and carried on and then he walked beside me and goes why are you being a bitch so I was just confused as he tends to make me think I’m crazy. I said I didn’t do anything so he walked through the aisles shouting at me about random stuff like rubbish in our bins and talking about me not asking him if he wanted breakfast just anything that come to his mind. He did this as I didn’t ask him why he slammed the door but if I did he still would if shouted and said why h ask him so it’s a no win win situation for me. He knows I get embarrassed so he was shouting loudly and people were staring and talking about us. I just wanted to cry but carried on with smile on face. I got home and cried in bathroom like I did something wrong. My mind is just overthinking everything as he is making me look like a crazy woman

OP posts:

Original poster

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 21:51

I’m embarrassed to be in this situation! How the hell did I get to this? I was really outgoing and had so much life in me. I just have hit rock bottom

OP posts:

ThreeblackCats · 30/01/2023 21:53

You say you can’t or will not leave, so I don’t know what you want to hear.
Dont have children with him.

You’ve made your bed op, I really, really don’t know what to say but I know people like you.

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 21:55

Can you tell your family?

Speak to your gp/hv or reach out to women's aid

You need to leave before it gets much worse.

EyeC · 30/01/2023 21:58

He won't change, your only option is to leave or start making plans to leave.

Original poster

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 22:02

Threeblackcats- I came on here to speak to people who will just listen to me. I didn’t know you knew People LIKE ME. Pray it doesn’t happen to you hun x

OP posts:

Original poster

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 22:03

I had this feeling this was a bad idea. Apologise for this thread. Il figure it out appreciate it thank you x

OP posts:

bumpytrumpy · 30/01/2023 22:06

Please don't have children.

Mummysgogetter · 30/01/2023 22:07

Hi susue

im so sorry you are going through this. I have been in a similar situation in the past, and I understand how utterly soul destroying it is. Is there an older person you can confide in? Someone with some life experience?

I do think that a man like this cannot change, he’s fundamentally insecure to his core which is why he tries to control you and make you feel bad. I won’t tell you to leave, I think you already know that it will need to be done at some point; but try to find one person you can trust to talk to about your options. Don’t let this man take any more of your years and self-esteem.

Applesandcarrots · 30/01/2023 22:09

Quite a few similar flouncers lately...

If you are real, the only bad idea is to stay with him, but you know it and as a women with income, the only reason to stay "oh no but he might chaaange"🤷🏻
If you are happy to be another number in DV/assault statistics, that's your choice at the end of the day, but don't get pissy with posters who were right about the fact no one will tell you to stay...

Original poster

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 22:49

I’m not getting pissy. When your in a situation sometimes u just need to rant and confirm your not the crazy one. Bringing another woman down when she already is feeling shit isn’t really kind.I appreciate your words

OP posts:

Original poster

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 22:53

And by me staying I can’t leave doesn’t mean I don’t dream of doing this ever. For the past 10 years this is all I know so im
sorry I’m not strong and can’t see the end of the tunnel yet but il get there one day, I understand it’s not right what’s happening and I believe my time will come x

OP posts:

Bryonny84 · 30/01/2023 23:01

OP, I was in your situation with a man like this, older, controlling. I think I read in your posts you are also pregnant. It's not that easy to just pack up and leave is it? You have a home, financial arrangements, maybe a job, so where do you just leave and go? You need to make a plan because this situation won't get better and when you have a child it will be worse. Talk to your doctor or a women's advice centre and begin to sort out your options. You aren't tied to this man, you will be able to make a better life for yourself but if you don't have your own money then you won't be able to do it on your own and you need a bit of help. I wish I were your friend and could help more. I wish you well xx

Original poster

Suesue18 · 30/01/2023 23:04

Bryonny I could cry thanks so much for this!! Appreciate your words. I’m glad you got out, maybe there’s hope for me too close

OP posts:

3487642l · 30/01/2023 23:13

Hi @Suesue18

It so understandable that you don't feel strong enough to leave yet; You have been experiencing severe coercive control, which wears down your confidence and sense of self. Reaching out with your post to get some support and advice was an intelligent and brave thing to do for yourself. You deserve the support you have asked for. You can ask Mumsnet to move your post to the Relationships section, and if you put in the heading that you are struggling with an abusive relationships you may get replies from those who have been through what you are going through, and can give you the genuine advice you need. Women's Aid is there for you, to listen and help in the ways you need. Please contact them, you can just call at the times you are able to.
For many women the process is to move forward with small steps, so don't feel shame that you are not doing things the way others think you should, they are not you in your situation. You can send me a PM if you would like help with moving this thread.

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 31/01/2023 06:45

Wow. I can't believe some of these responses!
What a pig he is op, please reach out to your family, friends, women's aid. If you were my friend in real life you'd be tucked up in my spare room right now.
He has you so beaten down you feel like you can't leave but I promise you you absolutely can.

I was married to an abusive man for twelve years and I left him in 2014. My children were just 5, 6, & 6. I've never looked back.

PriOn1 · 31/01/2023 07:06

Are you still pregnant or do you now have a child?

If you are still pregnant then it’s possibly easier to get away now, before the child is born and before he’s on the birth certificate as the father.

I know you feel you can’t get away, but you need to start searching for a way out because it’s going to get worse, not better, and he will damage your child. I speak as someone who didn’t get out and had to watch my son emulate me as he stayed in an incredibly destructive relationship, to the point where he was self harming.

Do this for your child. You can find the strength and there will be ways. Hope you follow some of the advice you will get here.

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