Marriage feels over

[Mumof2studentnurse]

Hi,

I am really just looking for some advice/views.

Over the last 12 months, my husband has started drinking pretty much every single night. I've asked him why and he just says he wants to, I've asked him to stop and he said no. I asked him to stop because his dad is an alcoholic and was very violent towards his mum. For the 12 years prior to this, we have never been big drinkers - sometimes going a year or two without a single drink so the nightly drinks have been a worry for me.

4 months ago, he was drinking and we had an argument, he was standing over me, shouting at me, and then started throwing jeans and clothes around the house. The next day, he gave me a massive apology and said he was drunk and it wouldn't happen again.

In December, he was drunk, wanted to have sex, I said I would come upstairs shortly (I was watching TV and having a snack). About 10 mins later he came downstairs, he was screaming at me saying 'what the fuck am I playing at when he is upstairs waiting for me and I am downstairs eating fucking crisps' then he slapped the bag of crisps out of my hand and went back upstairs. The next day he gave me a massive apology and said he was so drunk and is so embarrassed about what he done.

At the weekend we were at a party, and he sat with his arm around a woman that he has only met twice. I felt really uncomfortable about it but didn't want to cause a scene. So when we got home I said to him that I found it inappropriate that he had his arm around someone. Just to be clear...it was almost like they were hiding it. He was sitting at the back of the room, she was standing up, right next to him - the other 3 people in the room were facing forward so wouldn't notice - I noticed because up until that point, that same woman was sitting on the sofa next to me. I turned around and looked a few times and I think she must have clocked how many times I looked around and she moved away.

My husband started shouting at me saying there is something wrong with me and that, it didn't even happen. I said to him that I did see it happen and he kept saying there is something wrong with me and that he didn't do it but then he said 'there wasn't anyone else that said it was inappropriate, only you had a problem with it'. so after denying it happened, he tried to justify it saying that I'm the only one that had an issue with it.

He told me to sleep on the sofa. I told him no and walked past him. He then tried to force himself into the bathroom after I had gone in there. I think he wanted to shout at me but I managed to lock the door. He then started throwing my belongings about and shouting really loud, he was calling me a fucking idiot and calling me a fucking joke. I went upstairs to my bedroom and I just lay there listening to him slamming doors, throwing stuff around the house and calling me names. He was shouting things like 'im not even drunk saying this, you are a fucking joke and I don't want to go near you'

That was on Saturday night and we've not spoken a word since. I don't know if he is expecting me to apologise or if he is embarrassed, but either way - we've not spoken to each other.

I feel really trapped. We have kids (who were with my sister on Saturday night) We have debts. The house is in his name.

I think writing this has been good for me because I'm realising that if I had enough money I would take my kids and leave today. So I think I need to just keep my head down and save up enough money to get us out of this situation.

Hi OP, this is actually domestic abuse. You could speak to Women's Aid/your local services and they should be able to advise you on how to exit the relationship safely.

You could potentially go into a refuge with your children if it comes to it. It sounds like his behaviour is escalating under the cover of his alcoholism and you may be at risk of him attacking you. Please take this possibility seriously.

Do call the police if there is another episode like this - he could potentially be removed from the house and you could maybe get a non-molestation order to keep him out. Either way, you shouldn't be living in fear in your own home, and the police should help you.

If you're married, it doesn't really matter if the house is in his name - it would be considered a marital asset anyway. Same with pensions/savings etc. You have 'home rights' because of the marriage. In a divorce you will be entitled to a fair share of any marital assets. Get some legal advice from a solicitor on the quiet - some do a free initial consultation. Otherwise the Rights of Women or Citizen's Advice may be able to help.

Also, with the debt, there are generally options - whose name are they in? Are they secured or unsecured? Debts that benefitted you both may be mutually liable and taken into account during the financial settlements in a divorce. Some debts are priority, some are not. Sometimes it can be managed with repayment plans, frozen or written off - obviously those decisions have an effect on your credit rating, but you can rebuild a credit rating - it's a lot harder to undo the psychological damage of living with an abusive alcoholic for your children and yourself.

Thank you so much for replying and thank you so much for your advice. I sometimes feel like im over-reacting or feel like im going crazy because my memories of what happened never seem to match up with his. I appreciate your message, more than you know. x

All of the debts are in my name. Credit cards and a bank loan. It comes to about £16,000 so it's not something I can pay off very quickly. I've hidden the cards because my husband was using them as 'free money'. I always pay the minimum payments and try to pay a bit more too, to get them paid off faster. I'm a student but I graduate in 18months so I keep thinking if I can get to 18months, I can have a new job (I currently work part time in the same place as my husband) and I would have my own income to try and get my own house for me and my children. Everyone loves my husband, if I were to tell anyone he knows about this, I'm not really sure they would believe me. He is always very funny and charming and gives everyone the impression that he is this great guy, but the person I live with can be really different to the person they think they know! He's had an affair in the past and has messaged girls with things that married people shouldn't be saying to others. I know it sounds silly to have stayed but when I found out I had postnatal depression, I felt like a failure that I couldn't keep a husband, I didn't think I would cope as a single mum. I've been really struggling with depression and anxiety over the last couple of years. I keep this a secret because I don't want anyone to know how bad I really feel. I've just always thought that I was the problem.

This relationship is deader than dead and dangerous too. Get yourself out fast by whatever means.

Jesus Christ OP. He’s violent and threatening you. Ask him to leave. You need to get a friend into the house and tell them, get them to stay.

I sometimes feel like im over-reacting or feel like im going crazy because my memories of what happened never seem to match up with his.
That sounds like he's gaslighting you - which does you make feel like you're going mad. You'll find that getting out of this relationship will really help your MH.

There's also the old saying "street angel, house devil" which would apply to your husband. Plenty of abusive men are outwardly charming and likeable but awful at home, it's quite common.

Credit-cards are not 'priority debt'. (Neither will your bank loan be, I wouldn't have thought). You can speak to Stepchange or similar about what to do about repayments and sorting it out. Honestly it's the least of your worries. £16K probably sounds huge to you now, but in the scale of things it's not, it's sortable.

Thank you so much x

It sounds like he's deliberately put you into debt to trap you further - this is financial abuse.

Keep an eye on your credit rating to make sure he doesn't take out any more debt in your name while you work on your exit plan.

What pastoral care is there for you as a student nurse? Talk to them about what's going on at home, they may be able to signpost you to help. It may also be worth considering putting your course on hold while you escape - but there are lots of options for you. Don't get locked into the idea that you have to finish your course and get a job first, 18 months is a long time to spend with an increasingly abusive man, and you have to think of your safety & that of the children.

I will see if I can confidentially talk to someone at uni and maybe they can signpost me. I've changed the password to my computer and it needs a fingerprint to access now too because I'm worried this thread is found.

I promise, I will put my children first and I won't let them come to any harm. I really don't want them to have any psychological issues from hearing, seeing or even sensing that things are wrong either. I will make a plan.

If anyone carried on like this in my
life, I’d be gone. Please get your children away from this situation before it damages them or you.

Why aren’t you on the mortgage? You both deserve financial security.

That's good thinking. Use incognito/private browsing as well.

And do try to speak to a solicitor/get legal advice. You have rights and protections in marriage.