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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

She is obsessed with him

21 replies

Vinotimes · 30/01/2023 17:56

Before my boyfriend and I got together we were only on friendly terms through mutual friends but he had a partner.

After the break up he had a bereavement too. We lost touch but he turned to someone else as he felt low who he had not long known at all and met her at a photography event. This woman kissed him one night even though she is in a relationship. He regretted it after and said he only did it because he liked the attention and that he did not fancy her. A bit disappointed he would use someone but also get involved with some who was in a relationship.

I only found all this out yesterday as she came up in conversation and I said she wouldn't have called you her soulmate unless something happened. He said there was definitely no sex. He said he cut contact after the kiss as she got more intense with asking to meet and message etc. She has since tried it on with various men which when they find out she is not single they cut her off. She stays with her partner as she can't afford her own place.

She believes they are soulmates because she has health issues and he is getting over health issues.

I feel distressed as this woman still wants him and has tried to manipulate him on a number of occasions to turn him against me. She has tried to get rid of female friends he has known for years.

He said he chose me and loves me very much. He apologised for upsetting me about what happened with her. I just wish he never cut me off during that period as it is like he ran into the arms of a stranger who is still trying to interfere in our relationship.

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 30/01/2023 18:03

Is this girl still in his life? If not then I’d drop it and move on. If she is then he needs to make it clear he’s not interested. Personally I wouldn’t be worried as it all happened before you were together.

Pinkbonbon · 30/01/2023 18:09

Well you were a stranger too tbf. You just knew him through mutual friends. So I don't get your annoyance of him snogging 'a stranger' when he split from his partner. It makes it seem as if you were under the impression he would get with you as soon as he split from the other woman. And the fact he did not, makes you question if he was actually into you or not. It suggests there may have, at least been flirtation when he was not single.

As for her... 1. You say she tries to get rid if his female friends and that she tries to manipulate him against you. How do you know this? Is thus what he tells you? (How do you know it isn't more bullshit because, as he says he likes attention)

Why is he still talking to her? Why us she still relevant if he is with you? Does he keep bringing her up in convo?

Consider reading about narcissistic triangulation. Which is when the person you are seeing, tries to play you off against other women for attention. Often they claim the woman is obsessed with them. And that she is crazy. Or a slut/cheat/liar and dramatist. What you don't know is that they are telling her similar shit about you. Playing you off against eachother.

Emmamoo89 · 30/01/2023 18:23

He needs to cut her off. She sounds crazy

larchforest · 30/01/2023 18:32

I feel distressed as this woman still wants him and has tried to manipulate him on a number of occasions to turn him against me. How, - what has she done?

She has tried to get rid of female friends he has known for years. Again - how?

Why is this woman cropping up all over the place? Is she part of your wider social circle?

Cocobutt · 30/01/2023 18:46

How long have you been together?

Sorry but you sound pretty gullible.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 30/01/2023 18:57

Sounds like what every man who plays around says to justify their behaviour.

littleburn · 30/01/2023 19:49

Hmmm so now he has two women obsessing over him. Must be great for his ego! The obvious question is how is she still able to 'interfere' in your relationship? Because he lets her, because he enjoys the attention. He could always block her if he wanted to.

winterbegone · 30/01/2023 19:56

I see it as a red flag, if he wanted nothing to do with her, he has the control to ignore/block her and not stress you with it. There's normally something going on when they can't let a 'crazy woman that fancies them' go. It's triangulation that players use

iklboo · 30/01/2023 20:04

Did he tell you all this 'in conversation' or have you had it directly from her / reliable witnesses?

Original poster

Vinotimes · 30/01/2023 20:40

She personally told me in person that she is looking for a man and has joined dating sites. She said she hopes her partner doesn't find out.

OP posts:

Topi226 · 30/01/2023 20:57

I once posted a similar story on here under a different name, years ago. All comments told me he was 100% lying and there was more to the story.

I ignored the advise I had asked for. Couple more months down the line I realised I should have followed my gut and listened to advise.

There is more to it than what he is telling you I'm afraid.

iklboo · 30/01/2023 21:11

But did she tell you she keeps contacting him, tried to turn him against you, that she thinks they're soul mates and been getting rid of his female friends.

ninjasnap · 31/01/2023 00:21

Wait is this the guy you met through your hobby who has loads of "crazy yet obsessed with him" women interested in him?

This all seems very familiar.....

Why would you want to be someone's second choice?!

Eyerollcentral · 31/01/2023 01:09

Too much teenage drama, too Dawson’s creek. Get someone less intense who won’t keep having these kind of entanglements. You’re on a highway to nowhere w this

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2023 01:12

Do you really not see what an utter fuckwit your boyfriend is? He's a joke. Ditch this loser and move on.

TheShellBeach · 31/01/2023 01:16

In what way is she trying to interfere in your relationship?

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 31/01/2023 03:18

Vinotimes · 30/01/2023 20:40

She personally told me in person that she is looking for a man and has joined dating sites. She said she hopes her partner doesn't find out.

So she is looking elsewhere, and doesn't really believe your guy is her soulmate?

What about all the other info that is actually about your relationship? Where are you hearing that from?

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 03:23

This is a little odd. The fact he kissed someone when he wasn’t seeing you is absolutely none of your business.

hiw she interacts and her relationship is absolutely none of your business. Her life is not your business.

the key fact of how she’s trying to manipulate him against you is all that’s relevant, you have not explained this at all.

so can you explain, as right now you just sound jealous.

TheShellBeach · 31/01/2023 11:51

How is this woman still in both your lives?

HateandLove · 31/01/2023 12:03

What is he an eligible prince ?

Be careful of the thing you're fighting for, you could end up fighting for a piece of shit.

perfectcolourfound · 31/01/2023 12:18

Who he kissed before he was with you isn't anything to do with you.

Who has told you that this woman is obsessed with him? From what she's told you - that she's looking for a new relationship online - she's far from obsessed with him.

I wonder if it's him who's led you to believe she's obsessed? And if so, ask yourself why he wants you to believe that. It sounds like he's either ridiculously arrogant and thinks any woman he's ever had anything to do with MUST be obsessed with him because he's such a prize (!) OR he likes making you feel uneasy and keeping you on your toes so you feel you have to fight for him, be the perfect gf etc.

Truth is, it's truly irrelevant if anyone else is 'obsessed' with him. If he loves you then he wouldn't act on it. He wouldn't believe anyone who tried to turn him against you. He would block them and never have anything more to do with them.

It sounds like he's egging her on (if indeed it's even happening) and enjoying her attention and the fact it makes you feel insecure.

He sounds dreadful.

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