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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to go for therapy...

13 replies

leeloh · 30/01/2023 16:54

Hey

I've had many situations growing up where there has been sexual, physical and mental abuse. Any women or men here who can shed some light on counselling being the best thing they did? I have so much fear of being judged, I booked an appointment last year and made an excuse to cancel it. I have now asked for another appointment but starting to feel anxious again waiting on the reply.

An overview:

  • sexual abuse from fathers half brother, no penetration, but I know what he was doing was wrong.
  • physical and mental abuse from a 3 year on and off relationship.
  • manipulated, physically hurt - bruised and cheated on.
  • men asking me about my money, and during the longer relationship I lent money, it was always returned but I financed a 6 year relationship whilst he was out picking his wife, who he married 6 months after the breakup.
  • countless fuck ups OLD, getting treated like shit.
  • feel like I'm used for sex, may just be low self esteem and constantly feeling like I need to show naked pics of myself or be overly sexual.

Any advice would be grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
leeloh · 30/01/2023 17:09

I forgot to mention, I was around 6 years old when the abuse took place with my uncle. It's something I kept a secret up until just over a year ago when I told my best friend.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 30/01/2023 17:22

First off, we'll done for deciding to address things in therapy.

Secondly, therapy is just chatting. You can talk about whatever you want. You can go and have a conversation about cheese if you like! You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to until you are comfortable with the therapist you choose. So stop bigging it up in your head as this huge thing, just go to a session, have a chat with the person and see if they are done in you feel conformable talking with. You are assessing THEM not the other way about.

And thirdly, stop dating for now. You're in an unhealthy cycle of tolerating bs from crap men.
Take the therapy, work on yourself. Also start and continue reading up on how to spot red flags. So, once you've done the self work you will have imporovd your self esteem and that in conjunction with reading up on how to spot shit people, will allow you to recognise and walk away from crappy men, ASAP.

Pinkbonbon · 30/01/2023 17:27

*someone not done in

Original poster
leeloh · 30/01/2023 18:23

Pinkbonbon · 30/01/2023 17:22

First off, we'll done for deciding to address things in therapy.

Secondly, therapy is just chatting. You can talk about whatever you want. You can go and have a conversation about cheese if you like! You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to until you are comfortable with the therapist you choose. So stop bigging it up in your head as this huge thing, just go to a session, have a chat with the person and see if they are done in you feel conformable talking with. You are assessing THEM not the other way about.

And thirdly, stop dating for now. You're in an unhealthy cycle of tolerating bs from crap men.
Take the therapy, work on yourself. Also start and continue reading up on how to spot red flags. So, once you've done the self work you will have imporovd your self esteem and that in conjunction with reading up on how to spot shit people, will allow you to recognise and walk away from crappy men, ASAP.

Thank you for your response, it's been a very difficult journey. I intend on seeing this one through.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/01/2023 19:38

If you feel judged, you leave. Same in any relationship, therapy or otherwise. You feel discomfort, you're out of there. That's it. There's no threat, because nobody gets a chance to do you wrong. You're not beholden to stay with a therapist. You open up to who you want to, when you want to. You are responsible. You are in charge. You are the boss. You're giving them a job. It's not about what they think of you, it's about what you think of them.

plumopie · 30/01/2023 19:48

You should definitely not be judged. Well done for taking the first steps. I've had bucket-loads of therapy for bad stuff, you're not on your own. Flowers

Britinme · 30/01/2023 19:52

I went into therapy for a different reason - my first husband had died very suddenly and I remarried eighteen months later and emigrated to the USA, leaving two of my adult children in the UK and taking the youngest with me (the only one eligible by age). I needed help to process the fact that I was still grieving the loss of my first husband while being happy to have married my second, and to process my decisions. However, during the therapy I was able to talk for the first time about the fact that I had been sexually abused by my ten years-older brother at the age of 5. It was immensely helpful to me. I had a terrific therapist, to whom I am still grateful. I was probably in therapy for a couple of years and it was worth every penny I paid him.

Original poster
leeloh · 31/01/2023 09:43

I think it's my mind playing games on the idea that he/she will be looking at me, and that makes me feel even worse of a person. Even this morning I woke up, and the first thing I did was make an excuse as to why I shouldn't be in therapy. I wrote in my journal, when reading it back it sounds scary. I just feel so lost.

OP posts:
Britinme · 31/01/2023 10:35

leeloh · 31/01/2023 09:43

I think it's my mind playing games on the idea that he/she will be looking at me, and that makes me feel even worse of a person. Even this morning I woke up, and the first thing I did was make an excuse as to why I shouldn't be in therapy. I wrote in my journal, when reading it back it sounds scary. I just feel so lost.

OP the first thing my therapist did was help me to see the bits I felt most guilty and ashamed about as helping me with my own needs that were perfectly reasonable needs to have. I was totally honest with him and at no point did I feel any kind of judgement from him, only support and understanding. It is such a wonderful feeling to have, and I encourage you to take that step.

Original poster
leeloh · 31/01/2023 10:51

Thank you so much for the reassurance.

What made you choose a male over a female therapist? As this is another thing I am pondering over. I have contacted 2 female therapists and awaiting replies.

OP posts:
Polarbearyfairy · 31/01/2023 11:04

I chose a male therapist, I just went with who I liked. My issues were not around sexual abuse from men though, which I imagine will make a difference to you. I shopped around - many do a short chemistry session free of charge.

I disagree with the poster upthread who said to leave if you feel judged. Say so if you feel judged and explore those feelings in the safety of the relationship. I've done this recently and it was so helpful.

I have seen my therapist on and off for years now, as new things come up I go back and we pick up where we left off. Sometimes we will spend a significant portion of the session on what sounds like chitchat and segue into more difficult things. Occasionally I have something specific I want to talk about but mostly we feel our way into things.

Good luck, I know it's not easy to start with. I can promise you it will be really, really hard at times, but also that it will be really, really worth it.

Kolakalia · 31/01/2023 12:05

Secondly, therapy is just chatting. You can talk about whatever you want. You can go and have a conversation about cheese if you like! You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to until you are comfortable with the therapist you choose.

This may be true for private therapy, but for anyone accessing therapy on the NHS this isn't the case. You attend therapy to work on a specific problem and with a limited number of sessions available (up to twenty around here) if you're not ready or able or willing to work on the problem then you'd be discharged and asked to return when you are. You definitely couldn't go and chat about cheese for an hour!

Britinme · 31/01/2023 13:23

leeloh · 31/01/2023 10:51

Thank you so much for the reassurance.

What made you choose a male over a female therapist? As this is another thing I am pondering over. I have contacted 2 female therapists and awaiting replies.

My reasons for choosing this person were fairly specific. My daughter was training to be a psychotherapist in a particular model of therapy and this person was a leader in that field, and I hoped it would help with some of the anger she felt towards me for leaving the UK. When we started working together, I really liked him and felt comfortable with him. He was maybe a decade older than me and very experienced and that helped too.

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