Grown Apart and Sad

[Soggybaps]

I’ve come to the realisation that DP and I have grown apart. I’m not sure when it started and feel like it’s just crept up on me.

I turn 30 in the summer and not sure if this is some midlife crisis I’m having, or whether I need to call time on the relationship.

I just feel as DP has gotten older (he is mid 30s) he has become so boring. He never wants to go out if it involves spending money, he never arranges dates for just us, all his energy and spare cash goes on renovating the house. I wanted to go on holiday abroad for my 30th (just a week maybe to Majorca , self catering / no fuss) as it would also be our son’s first abroad holiday. I wasn’t expecting him to foot the bill (I would pay half) but he just shot it down straight away. In 9 years we’ve only ever had one abroad holiday, to Cape Verde in 2015…..

I am the main earner and am quite ambitious / a go-getter. If I want something I will make it happen by hook or by crook. He is very much a plodder - even though his priority is the house, it is always me sourcing tradesmen, arranging work to start, etc. he never takes the lead with anything like that.

he doesn’t look after himself - he has put on a bit of weight over the last few years and has no interest in dieting / exercising. I have also put on some weight since having DS but I like to (try) and look after myself by eating relatively healthy and do a bit of exercise when I have the time and energy. He doesn’t buy himself any new clothes so all his clothes either don’t fit him right (too small) or are so old that they just look horrible.

we still have semi regular sex. Maybe twice a week unless Aunt Flo has come to visit. The sex is OK.

I just feel like… he is an old man trapped in a 30-something year olds body. I don’t want to be stuck in a mundane relationship. Even if we had a date night once a month… it would give us something to look forward to with each other.

he’s never bought me flowers in the 9 years we’ve been together. There’s never any romantic gestures from him. I will often run him a hot bubble bath with candles when he gets home from work in the winter because he job is outdoors. I let him play on his game console every now and then. I have to record any programs I like watching (reality tv) and watch them when I’m wfh on my lunch break because he doesn’t want to watch them.

I feel like a lot of my feelings are stupid and petty and I feel silly talking them out loud…

he does have some good qualities and he is a good man. He’s a good father and very attentive to our son. He pulls his weight around the house such as putting washing on at weekends, loading/unloading dishwasher, but little things such as, he will take dry washing upstairs and sort it into piles - he will put his away but my stuff and our sons stuff is left in a pile for me to sort. He will iron his clothes but not mine or DS.

he does cook but only things that come out of the freezer. He wouldn’t attempt a curry or a chilli con carne, or shepherds pie, because he “doesn’t know” how to do it. But there’s no willingness to learn. He doesn’t use the air fryer because he doesn’t know how to use it (instructions are in the kitchen drawer)….

like I say I feel like I’m just being petty and l am picking at all of his faults. Maybe I am. I don’t know what’s wrong with me all of a sudden I just feel like we aren’t aligned at all.

not sure what I’m looking for really. Just a place to vent and be sad! Thanks if you got this far! X

He can sort your son’s items out! That’s ridiculous. it’s not like he wouldn’t know whose is whose. In that respect, he’s falling under the basic standard of ‘parent’ so that needs to change pronto.

But as a couple, you aren’t aligned at the moment. What would it take to feel like there’s a bit more alignment and a bit less ‘living with my son’s dad’?

can you talk to him? If he doesn’t value a close and romantic relationship, it could be difficult to make a lover out of him...

@Aldibag i deffo don’t feel aligned with him at the min. I need to bring it up as a discussion but he will feel it’s all “out of the blue” because we’ve just plodded on like this it’s almost become the norm. But I can’t go on.

id like us to put more effort in to each other (me as well as him) but I know that it will get better for a bit and then go back to plodding. I’d like more time spent out of the house as a couple - a meal somewhere / a cinema trip / a spa day (totally not his thing but just an example). Rather than him just moaning that we are skint.

id like to feel like I’m not his carer / mother at times. I.e. he needs to learn how to do things / work things without relying on me … he’s still not registered with a new GP (I filled in the form for him but he has to take it with some ID… been in the top drawer of kitchen for nearly a year!)

he gives son lots of attention and plays with him loads but falls below par with things like… buying new clothes for him, checking we’ve got a supply of pull ups, even things like bathing him…. If it weren’t for me I’m not sure my son would have a bath. It’s like he doesn’t think about it?

I do all bar one drop offs and pick ups from childcare - he picks up from his mums on a Thursday. I do the rest of the week. He leaves the house at 6am for work so I understand drop offs are down to me but he finishes at 4pm and I finish at 5pm and still doing 80% of the pick ups as well.

he makes comments about me lying in on a weekend (he is already up and awake as he is an early riser so when DS wakes up around 7am I ask him to get him up abd I have an extra hour in bed. I’m always awake and downstairs by 8:30am)

I just feel a bit like I feel so over it sometimes and I’d rather just do everything by myself so I don’t have anyone to moan about - does that make sense?

I feel like I’m just being silly and should just shut up as there are other women less fortunate than me and have it a lot worse, but on the other hand really fed up and tired of it.

You need to start hinting. When he does something you don't like, like cooks something from the freezer and you wished he'd cook something fresh just say, this is boring and unhealthy, we need to try to cook more adventurous food. I'm tired of frozen meals.
If he only irons his own clothes, just say why didn't you iron DS clothes? Is it my job? Is he going to iron his own, have you asked or taught him to? (Not sure how old DS is and if that's appropriate or not).

Next time he rejects a holiday, just say I'm tired and bored of never going on holiday, I feel frustrated and flat not being able to go abroad and I need a holiday.

Then it's not out of the blue. When you're unhappy, say so. Say so again and again.

makes total sense, @Soggybaps but there’s a list of things that the parents have to do, so get that list onto a wall chart and have ticks by each of your tasks.
Maybe you are better at baths, maybe he is better at playing Lego? And maybe then half each on other stuff like pick ups? Whatever you all decide, but it’s got to be detailed and joint and aligned.

the romance side… more challenging, but that’s your task list as lovers. And if he’s under on key things, he needs to step up. People step away from ‘good’ relationships in order to find ‘great’ relationships all the time. IF he doesn’t want to lose you, he has to love you. No options on that.

Really hard and I feel for you. Hope it goes ok

Thanks. DS is 4 so not appropriate for him to iron his own clothes yet.

I need to start communicating when his behaviour / actions fall below par for me. He will wonder what has gotten in to me but he avoids any form of confrontation so unless I bring something up he will just get on with things. I’m pretty laid back usually - I’m seriously wondering if I’m having a mid life crisis!

I don’t even think I’d want to look for anything else - I’d rather be in my own because then when things don’t get done all I have to blame is myself lol 😂

will try and have a talk later and see where it gets me!

Mmm, sounds like you’re describing a common situation, where you’re falling into the ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ roles of yesteryear, where dad leaves most of the housework/organising to mum and does DIY. Rarely works in the modern world and can kill romance. If not nipped in the bud, can be a road to depression/emotional neglect and/or relationship breakdown. All childcare/housework/DIY should be shared responsibility. You should both try to have regular (monthly) time outside the home, exercising and having fun with friends so you don’t feel ‘stale’ with each other. Then also have regular ‘dates’. Weekend daytimes can be less tiring/costly than evenings (a nice walk and coffee/drink is romantic but cheap) if you have childcare options. You should both approach it like a first date (i.e. make an effort and be attentive to each other, rather than talking about what needs doing at home, the kids or gripes about each other).

It sounds like he's gotten way too comfortable and doesn't feel the need to make an effort anymore.

He needs to be told.

He’s either spoiled rotten or depressed, both are difficult to deal with.

Leaving yours and his child’s clothing and only doing his own is either severely petty or severely ignorant and stupid.

Which of those do you think it is?

If this was my life at not-yet 30 I would want to run for the hills! You know you want more than this OP don't waste your life in this marriage. Sounds like you want, and are capable of, so much more.

He may well be a good man but you are not going to live your best life while you are with him.

I'm in my 50's and couldn't live such a dull life. After 20 years DH and I still go out at least once a week, go on regular trips etc. Life can be mundane enough, it really helps if your partner has a bit of oomph about them.

Sorry, I'm just reviving this post after a few weeks as I have been so busy with work and house decorating I've not had a chance to breathe.

Nothing has changed in my situation. If anything I feel it has gotten worse!

Mother's Day was a total flop for me and I spend the whole day feeling so sad and under-valued. I told him this but it went in one ear and out of the other.

I really need to get us out of this rut but what can I say to him to make him sit up and listen? I don't want to threaten to leave. I want us to work on this but I don't know how to say it to make him take it seriously without sounding like a total cow.

😩

You don't need to sound like a total cow but you are unhappy and you need to convey that to him, you sound like you don't say anything for fear of upsetting him but his inaction is upsetting you.
Arrange a babysitter, go out for dinner and instigate a proper conversation about where you are going and what you want out of life.
You don't sound as though you have a lot of (any?) fun together, you need that to counteract the mundane, if you can afford holidays and days out then do the, if you can't, take your child to the park for a picnic or to museums together. The important thing is that you have fun to lighten the toll of day to day life, he sounds boring but you need to talk to him. Surely your 4 year old is in bed by 8 each evening, take a deep breath and TALK

If you are 30 now and have been together 9 years then you were early 20s when you met.Do you have friends to see ? 30 is very young to feel middle aged.He sounds like hes in a bit of a rut.Can you just book a weekend away? Like book with Premier Inn and pay on going .Maybe MIL could babysit.Lots of nice places in UK not too dear. Pretty towns with Castles ,nice shops .He sounds like a functioning DH.Does the DIY and basic tasks .Plays with DS .Maybe you could see if he could do a basic Spag Bol? Just a jar of Dolmios and some mince and hes off! I think theres nothing that couldnt be fixed here really .Also some Marriage Counselling may be in order .

If your 30th hasn't happened yet, I'd be tempted to go on holiday with your son only. Take him wherever you want to go - not quite the same holiday you'd envisage but if you could involve a friend or family member to come with, even better.
Leave him at home if he doesn't want to go. He can't argue against it, you are not married so it's your money to spend how you like. It sends a big message - buck your ideas up and do things with me, or I'll simply do them with others.
It stops short of saying you are ending things, but will give him something to think about.