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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Harassing ex

11 replies

Kkcc2 · 30/01/2023 13:06

Hi, I’ve posted before about being in family court with my child’s father where we got a 50/50 court order put in place. A bit of a background, we split over 3 years ago, there has been no relationship since, he’s always been controlling even more so now. He bombards me with unnecessary messages, telling me how to parent our child (she’s 6) and what she needs for school etc, I get this information from school also so no need for this. The messages can be first thing in the morning or last thing at night. I’ve told him I only need to be contacted if it’s regarding the health/safety of our child. I wanted to block him when our child is in my care but realised messages don’t come through once unblocked if I do that? The way he messages is very formal and manipulating and I feel like he is planning something eg another court date. While I’m not worried about this as I haven’t broken anything in the order, it’s just hassle. Does anyone know, if a court order is in place and he reapplies do we need to go through mediation again first?

OP posts:
Somertime · 30/01/2023 13:26

If you archive his messages you dont get notifications popping up and he cant see your online status.

IamLorde · 09/02/2023 17:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as spam.

Original poster
Kkcc2 · 23/03/2023 11:36

Months later and this issue is only getting worse. I am constantly getting messages from him. He is making out there is multiple problems concerning our child. She is perfectly fine and happy. He makes everything into a big deal. What can I do about this? I really feel there needs to be something from an official person said to make him realise what he is doing and stop.

OP posts:
Potsofflowers · 23/03/2023 11:54

Get another phone and number for other use. It will be for your family and friends and work. It will be your number.

The ex will still have your current number. Don't give him your new number. You can turn it off and on as you please. You can just turn it on once a week or whenever you need to communicate regarding your child. That will help, so you don't need to be reading his messages when you wake in the morning and before you go to bed at night.

SavBlancTonight · 23/03/2023 12:02

How often does he have your DD? Is he trying to suggest you're not competent as part of a custody battle?

I'd just ignore his messages - as someone else suggests, you can archive them so you're not getting them constantly and just choose to look at them at certain times in case there is something relevant. And just ignore the rest.

I've seen people on MN point out that this is where the thumbs up emoticon can be super helpful - just thumbs up everything if you feel you have to acknowledge it. then carry on.

As for why he think s there are problem s- what sort of problems? What does school say? Have you spoken with them?

Original poster
Kkcc2 · 23/03/2023 15:38

So he has 50/50 this has already been through court. Had parents evening last night where she’s doing amazingly and no issues at all. We basically have week a and week b so it’s different days each week. The latest problem is he wants to put her into dance every week however she doesn’t want to attend while she’s with me as she’ll miss her sister, she already misses a lot of time with her. He won’t drop this no matter what me or our daughter tells him.

OP posts:
memesndmoreme · 23/03/2023 15:41

Potsofflowers · 23/03/2023 11:54

Get another phone and number for other use. It will be for your family and friends and work. It will be your number.

The ex will still have your current number. Don't give him your new number. You can turn it off and on as you please. You can just turn it on once a week or whenever you need to communicate regarding your child. That will help, so you don't need to be reading his messages when you wake in the morning and before you go to bed at night.

This is a perfect idea and exactly what my solicitor advised me when I had similar problems. Simply turn it off and put it in a drawer and you have the control of when you read these messages and it doesn't disrupt your day etc

Pinkbonbon · 23/03/2023 15:45

I'd just reply with a yawning emoji and stop responding to everything.

Put the phone in the drawer all day, check it once a day. If even that. Put it back in the drawer for an hour before replying to anything (to stop knee jerk replies).

Get yourself a new phone for everyone/thing else. Don't give him the number.

I'd also speak to the police to see if it falls under harassment.

Pinkbonbon · 23/03/2023 15:50

Pp beat me to it.
We're in agreement.

He only has this much headspace because you let him. Don't take any more shit.

Also, start teach your daughter how to spot bullies. And that we shouldn't pander to them. That we are not responsible for their behaviour and we shouldn't excuse bullies. The last thing you need is her growing up unable to spot her fathers abuse for what it is.

memesndmoreme · 23/03/2023 22:05

Pinkbonbon · 23/03/2023 15:45

I'd just reply with a yawning emoji and stop responding to everything.

Put the phone in the drawer all day, check it once a day. If even that. Put it back in the drawer for an hour before replying to anything (to stop knee jerk replies).

Get yourself a new phone for everyone/thing else. Don't give him the number.

I'd also speak to the police to see if it falls under harassment.

I wouldn't even reply with emojis. Just don't reply its really worked for me. They know they won't get a response and they eventually, I will stress eventually, because these type of people take a while for things to get into their brains, give up. I promise you it will get better. Always remember this won't be forever. The children will grow up and you won't need to have anything more to do with him. X

SavBlancTonight · 24/03/2023 12:10

Well, I have no idea about dance but if she doesn't want to go to dance, it's a bit pointless trying to force her. Let him sign her up and just continue to not go on your weeks. He'll be furious, but he can't force you to take her so.... <shrug>

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