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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling Insecure

11 replies

Ruby0707 · 30/01/2023 10:37

So, for context, DP works in a female dominated industry and has had a couple of relationships with people he met through work (before me obvs!)

DP starting working with someone new, probably around 6 months ago. She's very pretty and outgoing. I've met her, she's married with kids but I can't seem to shake the feeling that they like each other and they will end up growing close as they work together. They sometimes message each other, perfectly innocent stuff about work or a TV show but I know that can develop into more. I know because I have been on both sides of it, had previous partners who have done shady things with people they work with and also been the "other woman" of someone I worked with when he was in a relationship and he developed feelings for me.

I trust my partner, I honestly do, he doesn't hide anything to do with his phone (which I am used to from previous partners!) and he adores me so I think this is just insecurity based on previous experiences but I don't know what to do about it. Do I raise it with him and tell him I'm feeling insecure or is that just going to make an issue out of nothinhg? It's keeping me awake at night so I need to do something.

I should also add that I'm on my period and had a bit too much to drink at the weekend so feeling a bit emotional 😢

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 30/01/2023 10:52

Urgh I have been there.... honestly the trouble is that however you raise it, if you raise it at all it just doesn't make you sound great. It's almost too tricky to raise without sounding a bit clingy. Honestly, I would ignore it hard as that sounds as in my experience men like female friendships for whatever reason...

Original poster
Ruby0707 · 30/01/2023 11:24

How did it work out for you if you've been there. Did the feeling go away?

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 30/01/2023 12:21

Ruby0707 · 30/01/2023 11:24

How did it work out for you if you've been there. Did the feeling go away?

I basically tell myself that he is with me because he wants to be with me and then I focus on all the kind sweet things he does for me. We aren't married so there's nothing keeping us together other than wanting to be together and I don't want friction caused by something outside of our relationship. It's hard, but it works for me.

Watchkeys · 30/01/2023 12:29

If you trusted your partner, you wouldn't be posting. Previous experience might be what's stopping you trusting him, but trust is the issue here. What would happen if you told him what you've told us, and asked him for reassurance?

Original poster
Ruby0707 · 30/01/2023 13:07

Watchkeys · 30/01/2023 12:29

If you trusted your partner, you wouldn't be posting. Previous experience might be what's stopping you trusting him, but trust is the issue here. What would happen if you told him what you've told us, and asked him for reassurance?

He would reassure me and tell me I'm the only woman for him, I'm sure. I'm not sure if that would put my mind at rest though and then I would just feel silly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby0707 · 30/01/2023 13:08

Livelifelaughter · 30/01/2023 12:21

I basically tell myself that he is with me because he wants to be with me and then I focus on all the kind sweet things he does for me. We aren't married so there's nothing keeping us together other than wanting to be together and I don't want friction caused by something outside of our relationship. It's hard, but it works for me.

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Thank you, I will try this.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 30/01/2023 13:11

Ruby0707 · 30/01/2023 13:08

Thank you, I will try this.

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Good luck, hope it works well. I am quite anxious in relationships and still manage it.

Original poster
Ruby0707 · 30/01/2023 13:27

Livelifelaughter · 30/01/2023 13:11

Good luck, hope it works well. I am quite anxious in relationships and still manage it.

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Me too! We sound quite similar. It's exhausting isn't it! 😟

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's helpful to know it's not just me.

OP posts:
pooooty · 31/01/2023 20:38

Could you go to a works and try to spend time with them together to put your mind at ease? Or I guess there is a risk it could confirm your concerns?

SunflowerTed · 02/02/2023 23:57

It’s a hard one. I’d focus on all the things that he loves about you and keep doing those things and being your happy self. Just cos she is pretty and outgoing doesn’t mean he ‘s attracted to her xxx

Stupidpeoplesuck · 03/02/2023 00:52

You should talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel, but make sure you caveat the conversation as your insecurity, and not being accusatory.

If he’s the perfect fit for you, he’ll be able to support and hopefully allay your concerns. It’s unlikely these worries will disappear, and it sounds like it’s eating you up inside.

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