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Original poster

Sibling proposal etiquette

47 replies

Bluelightbaby · 30/01/2023 08:32

Ok so two brothers (let’s call them A & B) want to propose to their respective partners. Both couples have been together a similar amount of time.

whole family going on holiday next week

brother A says to brother B he’s going to propose whilst on said holiday

does that mean brother B should not propose on this holiday also, as it’ll take the shine off of couple A ?

Plus when would be a good time elapse for brother B to then propose afterwards - weeks/months/a year ??

Im couple B in this scenario, desperate to get engaged to my DP, but feel we should give couple A time to shine with their news

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
DogInATent · 30/01/2023 11:23

does that mean brother B should not propose on this holiday also, as it’ll take the shine off of couple A ?
Are you all members of a theatre group that needs to make a performance out of everything? If you've already agreed to get married there's no need for a stage performance proposal on holiday. You're already engaged. And it sounds like the other couple are too.

Princessglittery · 30/01/2023 11:59

@Bluelightbaby you are being considerate by asking the question. You are right it’s not appropriate for you to announce your engagement on the same holiday. I would give them a month then announce or, provided not on holiday, announce on Valentine’s Day.

I would also be thinking now about when and where you want to get married, as a pp pointed out you don’t want to always be waiting for A and their partner to announce dates/plans.

One thing that puzzles me (like pp) is if you and your DP are desperate to get engaged why are you not already engaged? Surely Christmas/New Year are common occasions to get engaged or were you waiting for Valentines Day?

FairyBatman · 30/01/2023 12:11

The whole phenomenon of getting proposed to being an arranged event with photos etc. is quite new and baffles me a bit.

When I got engaged it was some serious conversations about what we both wanted and how we saw the future followed by DH getting down on one knee and surprising me the following week.

It was much better without so much bullshit pressure for everything to be perfect.

If you are both doing a "proposal" type event I suppose it makes sense to have a gap, although honestly it wouldn't bother me if a family me ever got engaged the same day as me.

You do need to sit down though as a four and have a serious conversation about arrangements from then on.

Are you having engagement parties? Jointly or separately?
Are you thinking of the same timeline for the wedding?
Is there a significant date that's more important to one couple?
If you announce second will they be expecting you to wait and get married second, and are you happy with this?
If there's to be a gap between the weddings what is the minimum that everyone is happy with, especially bearing in mind how expensive it can be for guests to attend a wedding.
What happens if you pick the same colours /venue etc?

RuthW · 30/01/2023 12:12

But surely you are already engaged as you are discussing it. Just tell them the date of the wedding when you return.

pikantna · 30/01/2023 12:17

Imagine the drama of the actual weddings if 'proposals' (not sure what is being proposed when two people have already agreed they are getting married but never mind) cause this much angst

wagamamar · 30/01/2023 12:19

Don't get engaged on the holiday. I'd find your own unique way of doing it and I'd wait at least 6 months +

DangerNoodles · 30/01/2023 12:27

If you are both desperate to be engaged, why aren't you already? Have you tried to discuss marriage with him but he has said he can't propose right now because his brother is thinking about it? How did this conversation come about and is it the first excuse he has given or have there been others in the past.

It seems wierd to discuss being so desperate to be engaged when he could just ask you at home.

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 30/01/2023 12:54

Thanks for all your comments. I definitely don’t consider myself engaged, but we know we want to get married and he’s says he wants to propose. We lived together for nearly three years and are very open about our future together. I was married for twenty years before my DP and he’s never been married.

when he proposes it will still be a surprise as I haven’t got a clue when or how he’ll do it. Just wanted to know if I should advise him to leave it for a certain amount of time, as don’t want to steal his brothers thunder

thanks for all your comments :)

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 30/01/2023 13:01

Joint proposal.. Joint wedding. Your family will be so grateful..
1 cost.
1 day.
OK then a gift each!!

NerrSnerr · 30/01/2023 13:06

It clearly won't be that much of a surprise if you know he's doing it on holiday and you're already planning on getting married!!

Dreamstate · 30/01/2023 13:11

Eastereggsboxedupready · 30/01/2023 13:01

Joint proposal.. Joint wedding. Your family will be so grateful..
1 cost.
1 day.
OK then a gift each!!

Haha this 100%. If ego's and compromise could be the way forward think of all the money you could all save on a joint wedding.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 30/01/2023 13:20

There is no thunder. You are adults.

you have decided to get married, so have the other couple.

Getting “engaged” IS deciding to get married. That’s literally what it is. It’s not a proposal, it’s not a ring, it’s not a performance, it’s not telling anyone or about anyone else. Your “engagements” have both, already happened. Therefore you have no reason to wait or worry about timing for you or anyone else. It is definitely not up to men to decide when they bestow this upon you!

Why would it be a bad thing to both tell your families, whilst on a family holiday, that both of you as couples have decided to get married at some unspecified point in the future?

saraclara · 30/01/2023 13:29

Jeeze, I feel old. You've lived together for three years and you've had the conversation. So where is the razzamataz and excitement coming from? It's just a staged thing for other people's 'benefit' surely?

I don't even understand why there has to be a formal engagement period when peope have been living together for years. Why not just get married?

Kids* these days... Bah...

  • pretty much anyone under 40 it seems. Or potentially older in OP's case.
nc1013 · 30/01/2023 13:39

Sarahcoggles · 30/01/2023 08:56

If you and your partner want to get married one day, and you've discussed it and agreed on it, doesn't that mean you're already engaged?

And they've jointly discussed when he'll propose, ie on holiday?

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 30/01/2023 13:47

saraclara · 30/01/2023 13:29

Jeeze, I feel old. You've lived together for three years and you've had the conversation. So where is the razzamataz and excitement coming from? It's just a staged thing for other people's 'benefit' surely?

I don't even understand why there has to be a formal engagement period when peope have been living together for years. Why not just get married?

Kids* these days... Bah...

  • pretty much anyone under 40 it seems. Or potentially older in OP's case.

because I’ve been married before I was more than happy without an actual proposal and just say we’re getting married BUT he’s the one that wants to do the proposal as he’s never been engaged or married before

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 30/01/2023 15:32

Maybe it all needs toning down a bit? Why not do the proposal on holiday when it's just the two of you and just not mention it? Then you can just get on with planning the wedding?

For me the idea of a proposal on a family holiday feels like it's more about making a show of it and not actually the couple being in love and wanting to spend their lives together.

DonNotKeith · 30/01/2023 15:38

Agree, bit odd to propose on family holiday.

Unromantic and attention seeking.

Also, sounds like you are already engaged if have agreed to marry.

Are you just wanting photos for a social media engagement?

BloodAndFire · 30/01/2023 16:21

Him saying he wants to get married and you saying yes (or the other way around) was the proposal. You've already done it. Why would you do it again?

typopro · 30/01/2023 18:38

So you've been married before? I could understand the whole "proposal" theatre if you were both young, first time newly weds, but with the greatest of respect, Op you have been through this all before.
Just get married.
But not at the same time as your bil clearly

ItsCalledAConversation · 30/01/2023 18:39

Don’t do it on the holiday. Wait til you get home to upstage them!

TeenDivided · 30/01/2023 18:48

Both brothers propose on same evening / lunch / whatever. But separately, eg different restaurants, different beauty spots, whatever.

worried4698643 · 30/01/2023 18:50

You are already engaged. I'm very confused by this whole situation

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