How long is long enough?

[Squidger45]

I've seen a lot on threads this weekend with people being judged for:
A) moving in
B) meeting children
C) getting pregnant
D) insert other relationship milestone

'Too quickly'.

Things like 'you barely know them' and 'you're stupid to have gotten pregnant so soon' and 'how much can you possibly know X after only 18 months' etc etc.

I think that it's a bit fucking rude to be honest.

As if the commenters had never been at the 12 / 18 month stage of a relationship. Somehow they magically pinged 10 years into a marriage surrounded by cherub-like offspring. .

As if everyone on the planet has the luxury of spending multiple years with a variety of partners before picking the most appropriate one, and then getting married and spending another multiple number of years before making a fucking spreadsheet to decide when is the right time to have children.

I actually cannot believe how judgemental a large majority of this 'supportive' community can be, sitting on their soap boxes criticising other people's lives, that they're rushing their decisions etc (often unsolicited!) as though they live in the garden of fucking Eden.

If someone wants to move in with DP at 4 months, and fall pregnant at 9 months into a relationship (as an example!), does that make them a bad person, deserving of some of the vitriol flying around on here this weekend?

If you're happy - you do you. If you're not, don't project your miserable lives and cynicism on to those who are happy!

Rant over.

Measured responses are different from the bitchiness and vitriol that I've seen.

If someone explains their views, that's one thing. If they're just being a cunt, that's very different.

Reasoned perspectives are fine, but I don't agree with shaming others which is what I've seen a lot more of. What I wanted was to understand - without the bitter nastiness that is so common on threads on these topics.

I do find a lot of advice on mumsnet very black and white at times.

I dated a lot in my 30s (with 1dc) and had several relationships under 6 months. I found the writing was on the wall in every case within 4 months unless they were incredibly careful to hide something. So I do think it’s perfectly possible to know by a year. However unfortunately as we see on here a lot it’s also possible for men to change particularly after marriage/babies when they feel you’re stuck with them. So you could wait for the designated 3/5 years or whatever and still find yourself with someone who feels like a stranger late on!

I had one very small dc when dating and did introduce him to a couple of bfs. All in a very relaxed way and in public. Dc didn’t think anything of it, it was the same to him as a day out with one of my female friends and he didn’t remember me with his dad. I don’t regret it at all. In a couple of cases it allowed me to discount the bf early as I wasn’t keen on what he said about dc (never to dc’s face and he didnt suffer at all - just got the odd nice trip out!). I think it’s better to have a quick meet earlyish than introduce after 18 months when you’re so invested in the relationship that you struggle to see the red flags. It all depends on circumstances.

the only relationship I felt a little judgey on was where she got pregnant after 3 months (she was very young, he was around late 20s - baby was planned). Then married very quick then another baby then split. All in very quick succession. I think they were only together 2 years or so in total. That seemed like it could have totally been avoided.

@LaLuz7

I agree with this. What is this 6 months about as well? It's irrelevant if you're 24 or 44 it takes time and seeing someone in different contexts over a long period of time to fully understand their behaviours.

But this can happen years into a marriage when someone decides they're a serial philanderer or whatever.

As the PP said, it's the black and white approach I can't necessarily get my head around. And why people feel the need to be so unbelievably blunt, and in some cases vicious with their criticisms of others.

If you did your due diligence and they turn out to be shitty or change years later, that's on them.

If you rushed things and didn't do your due diligence and they turn out to be shitty, that's on you.

Getting to know them well before committing significantly reduces the risk of failure, though it won't bring it down to zero.

I think the key is that people are discussing relationships with problems. If something isn’t going right, the cause might be that the couple have taken it too quickly. That doesn’t imply that there are absolute rules about the right length of time things should take. Doing things quickly brings risks- whether they’re risks worth taking depends on your circumstances.

I pretty much moved in with my DH within weeks of meeting and we’re still happily married two decades later. Would I have done that if I’d had children, or was mid-divorce, or was still getting over a previous relationship? Absolutely not.

If someone wants to move in with DP at 4 months, and fall pregnant at 9 months into a relationship (as an example!), does that make them a bad person
Makes them pretty selfish, if not stupid. The falling pregnant, not the moving in. Adults choosing to cohabit, fine. Thinking you have to have a baby with every boyfriend? Yeah, not so much. Framing it as 'an accident' surely shows that even they know it's not the brightest move 🤣
Deciding to have a baby with a stranger because YOU simply want one without acknowledging the potential ramifications FOR that child just shows how not ready you are 🤷‍♀️

Introducing a partner? Not something that ties my knickers in a knot tbh and those who have an issue usually have an acrimonious relationship with the other parent which affects the child far, far more that meeting friends of mummy or daddy.

To me it all boils down to being a responsible adult. If you don't know someone long enough you won't have seen any red flags yet and there is a higher chance that it will end up in heartbreak.

Being childless and marrying too quickly = fine, it's your own heart that you possibly choose to break.

Having children and introducing new partner quickly to children = extremely big NO-NO. It's the childrens hearts and wellbeing that's at risk there and a responsible parent won't do that. It's so selfish not to make existing childrens happiness a priority in this.

Having a baby a bit quickly because the time is ticking - meh. Could go either way. I'm fine with this IF the mum is capable of raising said child healthily and happily on her own,

I was early 20's when I met my DP. We moved in together after 21 days. I got pregnant with a planned pregnancy after 9 months and we will have been together 23 years this year. And not married. Honestly most Mumsnetters would have a heart attack!