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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help with DD’s knob of a father.

25 replies

Ostryga · 29/01/2023 17:37

Dd is 6. I spent the first 18 months of her life ensuring decent contact between her and her dad and after Dd was about 2 everything was really good.

Last year (I have a thread on here about it if you want more info) Dd came home and said daddy’s gf had been hurting her. I took advice from here and went to school & social services. Their advice was get dad to come to us and spend time with Dd which I facilitated.

Dd has now not seen her dad since September last year. Admittedly I have not made any effort with him to encourage him to come, but if he had messaged I would have of course made sure Dd was available to spend time with him.

It was DD’s birthday a couple of weeks ago and he completely ignored it. And Christmas. He’s known my address since she was born so absolutely no reason to not send a card. I lost it tbh. I messaged him and called him a raging cunt (I know I know, I did send lots of up to date photos of Dd as well though) and he’s now playing the “you’ve kept me away from my daughter” card.

I just don’t know what to do! Dd misses him in the way that she’s perfectly fine but would be nice to see him. But he doesn’t believe her about his gf hurting her, so I’m worried he’ll use that against her.

Am I doing everything I can be doing? Where do I go from here?

OP posts:

itsnote · 29/01/2023 17:47

Don't know why you'd want her anywhere near either of them tbh.

SpinningFloppa · 29/01/2023 17:49

Why did you message him? My kids father didn’t see them for 2 years I never once messaged him even if he ignored birthdays and Xmas which he did not sure why you messaged tbh?

category12 · 29/01/2023 17:53

You can't trust him to keep your little girl safe, so - that's kind of the end of the sentence.

Plus if she's not particularly bothered, then contact is more for the ideal of it, rather than it having real benefit.

I'd let it go and if she wants contact as she gets older, then work on it then.

Reugny · 29/01/2023 17:54

What you try now is nothing.

Also stop contacting him on her Birthdays, Christmas etc. You cannot force him to have a relationship with his child so leave it.

If she asks tell her that her dad is welcome to see her at yours, as both of you want the best for her, but you don't know why he doesn't want to come.

When she is an adult and mature enough - so it maybe 18 or it maybe 28 - tell her the truth. Keep your paperwork to show her that due to her dad being with an abusive partner you were both advised that you should facilitate contact to keep her safe.

He may be with a different partner by then or he may have dropped dead but you do need to wait until she can understand some of the horrors in the world. Unfortunately there will still be stories in the paper of adults abusing children.

Holliegee · 29/01/2023 17:54

I think you are a fabulous parent to your daughter and don’t need him or his gf any where near her.

Soothsayer1 · 29/01/2023 18:01

let him drop out of your life, he's a waste of space, dont bother with him, carry on as if he doesnt exist, he deserves no consideration from you whatsoever😡

ijustneedanamefgs · 29/01/2023 18:07

His gf was hurting your dd and their advice was to get him to visit her at your house and that’s all? That sounds mad to me tbh, that was never a long term solution. Are there other children involved?
You can’t make her dad visit her, and if his girlfriend is abusive and he doesn’t believe it, then I wouldn’t want him visiting her.

Original poster

Ostryga · 29/01/2023 18:08

I messaged because before last year Dd had seen him at least every other weekend and once or twice during the week for 4 years so he was a huge part of her life. Plus she has a little sister she loves (his new Dd) so I really wanted to encourage that relationship.

Now I know he’s a cunt but want to do this properly so I don’t screw dd up and make her blame me when she’s 20 or something.

OP posts:

Wibblewibble1 · 29/01/2023 18:10

You do nothing OP. He can make an application to court if he wants and then they can investigate why he hasn’t protected his child.
stop running after him for a connection with DD. Ball is in his court. Leave him to it.

Reugny · 29/01/2023 18:12

OP your primary duty is to keep your child safe.

Interaction with her sister's mother is not safe for her, so you have rightly stopped that interaction.

You cannot control her dad so leave him alone.

And to help stop her blaming you when she is older keep records of why you stopped the interaction to show her when she is an adult.

Daffodilis · 29/01/2023 18:13

Wouldn't it make more sense to keep her away from him and his gf, like safe!

category12 · 29/01/2023 18:14

I think she'd blame you more if you don't keep her safe.

onemoredayplease · 29/01/2023 18:16

I'm afraid you can't make him have a relationship with his daughter. He will make his choices and may well tell anyone who will listen that it's your fault he has so little contact.

I facilitated contact for years, driving cross country for contact, putting up with his nonsense until his behaviour went too far and I stopped chasing him. Unsurprisingly he made no effort, contact stopped then he called me and told me I had turned our child against him. I made a point of never bad mouthing him as I desperately wanted them to have a relationship but he couldn't be seen to be in the wrong.

I'd focus on loving and protecting your daughter. Log any evidence you have in case he challenges contact and to show your daughter when she is older if needed.

Someone once told me that with my ex husbands behavior he would build a wall between him and our daughter and I wouldn't be able to stop it. They were right and my daughter sees him for what he is. Not pleasant to watch and many tears cried. Daughter and I are very close and have lots of happy times/memories unlike him.

Big hugs. It is hard. X

Eastereggsboxedupready · 29/01/2023 18:19

So dd's abuser had a new dc? I hope ss know.

Original poster

Ostryga · 29/01/2023 18:27

Eastereggsboxedupready · 29/01/2023 18:19

So dd's abuser had a new dc? I hope ss know.

They do! It was my second worry after Dd.

I know I don’t have to facilitate contact but I just know he’s going to threaten court and I second guess myself. Even though I’ve been primary caregiver since Dd was a second old.

I truly hate shit dads

OP posts:

category12 · 29/01/2023 18:34

Let him threaten.

You have facilitated contact - it's been his choice to not to bother for months. You can show that, and you're still willing to facilitate contact as long as she's kept safe. You were following the advice you were given, and you can show that too.

It's unlikely he will take you to court, and I can't see how he has a leg to stand on if he does. Yes, it would be stressful should he follow through, but cross that bridge when it actually appears.

Soothsayer1 · 29/01/2023 18:35

Now I know he’s a cunt but want to do this properly so I don’t screw dd up and make her blame me when she’s 20 or something
you cant 'do things properly' when the other person is a piece of shit, they will use any and all interactions to manipulate and abuse you and the child for thier own entertainment.
Disappear out of his life and leave no forwarding address, stop competing for his attention, it's understandable that you want a sibling for your daughter but this man is worm, if you get involved with his new family he will use that to further degrade and abuse you.

Topseyt123 · 29/01/2023 18:39

Why are you so desperate for your DD to have such a cunt in her life? I don't see why you bothered messaging him at all. You have simply stirred up a hornets' nest unnecessarily.

Ignore him.

Also, your DD said his girlfriend hurt her. Why do you want either of them near her again?

itsnote · 29/01/2023 18:44

So he's not bothered with your DD since last year and he lives with someone who hurts her. He doesn't believe her either so he won't protect her.

And you message him a load of photos and call him a cunt out of the blue because you don't want her to blame you when she's older.

Fucking hell.

Original poster

Ostryga · 29/01/2023 19:02

itsnote · 29/01/2023 18:44

So he's not bothered with your DD since last year and he lives with someone who hurts her. He doesn't believe her either so he won't protect her.

And you message him a load of photos and call him a cunt out of the blue because you don't want her to blame you when she's older.

Fucking hell.

Fucking hell indeed!

I know, honestly I do know what you’re saying. But I have no idea how to do this, so asking for help is all I’ve got.

And yes I do need to be called out sometimes because it gives me the confidence to move forward and not be so worried all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ostryga · 29/01/2023 19:03

For clarification Dd has not seen her dad’s girlfriend since April last year when the abuse came out.

OP posts:

itsnote · 29/01/2023 19:12

Just mute him and don't engage. He'll hopefully disappear again!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 29/01/2023 19:19

My ex wanted to pop in and out. I moved away. He had walked away when dd was 2. At 21 she met up with him as he had another dd. Dd felt a duty to meet her dsis. She totally respected the decisions I had made years before. Keeping your dd is more important than any relationship her df could offer imo.

ManyNameChanges · 29/01/2023 19:25

Just dint engage with him.
Yes it would be lovely if they had a relationship. But this is between him and her. It’s not your responsibility.
The most i would do is to send photos of her p, and only if you are feeling very kind.

If he wants a relationship with his dd, it’s pretty logical that it’s up him to ask for contact!!

Now I get the rage. He us letting her down.
But you’d be better express that rage in a different way.

Oh and keep a trace if the emails etc….

mightymam · 30/01/2023 08:58

Wth did you go back to him?! He's made his true intentions be known by not believing his daughter after the abuse allegations. What more do you want from him? Be honest, is this about your daughter or more about you?

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