Name changed.
I’m in my mid-40s. Just over 3 years ago, my long-term relationship collapsed. He left, there was another woman, it was awful. In the months after he left I found out that there had been other women during the time we’d been together too. I found a place to live, alone, and - having space from him in the first time in years - came to terms with how controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive he had been, how much he’d ground down my confidence and self-worth. I don’t really like labels but you could say it was classic narc stuff - massive charm and lovebombing when we got together, “I know you better than anyone else” etc etc, which then turned into living with his lies and rages and walking on eggshells, and then finally being discarded.
And then the pandemic came and I was locked down, alone; seeing him on social media (via friends’ feeds - I’d blocked him already) with his new woman. I felt like I lost so many of my mutual friends - I’d tried telling them a little of his behaviour and they’d agreed he was manipulative and capable of real cruelty but then said, effectively “But he’s my mate, so what am I meant to do?”. My ex and I also work in the same industry so I’d see him at various work-related things with people who think he’s charming and brilliant. The final piece of in all of this was when I had to have some major surgeries for emergency medical things - the surgeries all worked but I’ve been left with permanent changes to how my body works.
So it’s now just over 3 years later. In a lot of ways I’ve got my life back on track. I’ve shifted career slightly so I don’t need to see or hear from my ex so much. I’ve made new friends, started new hobbies, got a pet, got into proper exercise, all of the stuff to make my life feel different. Honestly, I have a good life now. I’ve made some peace with the medical changes to my body. I’ve had loads of therapy.
But: I’m still struggling to move on, romantically. I know I want another relationship but I feel paralysed. I’ve been on dates with men and women (I’m bi) but though they seem keen I always shut them down after 1 or 2 dates. I’m completely terrified of being hurt again - that I’ll fall for someone who’ll leave me, or who turns out to be controlling and abusive again. I’m terrified of losing the control and independence I’ve built up but I know having a relationship means being vulnerable to emotions, change, and so on. I’m also still furious at my ex - who as far as I can tell is still living his best golden life - but fixating on him when I’m feeling sad or lonely doesn’t actually help me to move forward.
So my question: how can I move on with my love life? Has anyone here been in a similar emotionally abusive relationship and how did you move on from it? Thank-you so much.