Partner asked me what I was wearing….red flag?

[Cleary67]

Background- have a female partner of 8 months. I have a young child with my ex wife. I’ve made a new mummy friend through a mutual friend who is a recently single gay mum friend with a young child similar age. We have struck up a friendship and had a play date during the week. She seems a nice woman and we get on well, all very friendly, she knows I have a girlfriend, I’ve never thought it was anything more than friends and I don’t imagine she has either.
my girlfriend has been off with my since the play date, she’s convinced this new friend is interested in me (I honestly don’t think she is and feel like I would have a good read on that if it were the case)
girlfriend FaceTimed me after the play date to see what I had worn at my new friends house. Bear in my my child was there, we stayed about an hour or so and had a cuppa.
I think that’s crossing a line to check what I was wearing. She said she was just curious what I wore that day (she’s never been curious before). I said it’s a bit OTT and she said she didn’t think so. I told her she’s making something out of nothing and she started saying it’s not me she’s worried about it’s the other girl

Either she trusts you or she doesn't. The other girl is neither here nor there if you're faithful.

Don't fall into the role of overly placating her or managing her jealousy, it's her thing to sort.

"I [love/care about/whatever] you but your jealousy will ruin our relationship if you don't control it - you've no reason or right to ask me what I'm wearing when I'm meeting friends and I'm not going to engage with it further."

And yes, red flag.

I'd say bye bye. I'm too old to deal with other people's insecurities

To be fair, I'd probably tell you to dump them if they were a man, which I just realised. Everyday sexism, oops. So yeah, there's that.

Yes I'd say goodbye to this one too, that's just too much for me, I'd see this as just the tip of a very insecure-bordering on controlling, iceberg.

Controlling. I'd consider ending the relationship, tbh.

I don't see this getting better.

Yes, red flag. Why would anyone be “curious” about what their partner wore on a kids’ playdate?!

She doesn’t trust you so it’s not a good relationship.

Why is your partner convinced this woman is interested in you?

Red flag.

Thank you

it’s not me she’s worried about it’s the other girl

Bin her now. It's no different from 'Of course you aren't going out looking to cheat, I'd know you'd never do that to me, it's just the men I'm worried about' justification that's used to keep women indoors, not working, not studying, not socialising, not even going out to buy a pint of milk without being cross examined and accused.

She just tends to think this about people

it's not me she's worried about it's the other girl

So why the questioning about what you were wearing then? Whatever you were wearing would be irrelevant, surely?

I think she was worried I would be dressed up as in trying to impress

It would be a big red flag for me too. You say she tends to think like this about people, so has she done similar before? Do you have other friends she is like this about?

Big red flag and only 8 months in, it will get worse if you continue with her.

She doesn’t trust you and that’s hurtful… and a red flag

With no actual reason? I don’t think you can have a good healthy relationship with someone like that.

You should be running for the hills.

She’s been betrayed by people in the past so I would imagine that’s where it comes from but she wouldn’t acknowledge that and instead says she was just curious as to what I was wearing

True. Thank you

So has everyone, big wah wah woe is me siren.

Sorry, but I've no time for that as an excuse for behaving in controlling ways. There's no excuse for visiting other people's misdemeanours on a new partner. If someone is unable to move past old hurts and treat a new partner properly, then they're not yet fit to be in a relationship, and need to sort themselves out.

Plus controlling, suspicious behaviours don't actually stop people from cheating, it just gives an illusion of control and is incredibly unhealthy and destructive for both parties.

Yeah I don’t quite know how to bring this up again

It's the implications of it that are sinister... so if you were wearing a low cut top (for example) then so what? What are the consequences of that? Would she then think she has grounds to have a go at you? It is a bit of a red flag yes.