Trying not to people please

[Littlemountainhum]

Was just pondering the ‘fixer’ thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4730765-im-a-fixer-and-i-wear-myself-out?reply=123474526

There’s a couple of relationships I’m struggling with at the moment because of my people pleasing tendencies. I’d rather just move on but not sure how.

One is a school mum friend… she recently asked if I could watch her child for a bit 1.5hrs into an event we’re both going to while she goes to collect her other child from another event, because child 1 is apparently likely to have a meltdown if she’s torn away from the activity. It irked me a bit that she’d even ask this tbh. My own child is likely to have got bored at this event by 1hr in, so I wasn’t planning on staying that long (it’ll be 2hrs by the time she gets back with her other child), and it’s a kids event not that interesting to me. So which do I prioritise… my child’s boredom and my own desire to go home after an hour, or her child’s meltdown?! I feel guilty saying no when in her mind it seems like a small ask.

Another is a neighbour I just feel guilty about. She always asks to come over for a cuppa and says she likes spending time together. From my perspective of course she likes spending time together - I’m a good listener! But she’s always talking over me and doesn’t listen to me, so I don’t particularly enjoy her company and find her draining. But then I feel guilty for not inviting her over and dread her collaring me outside, as she’ll ask if everything is okay in a probing kind of way. I want to tell her she’s annoying but do the polite thing and say everything’s fine, come over soon!

I have a narcissistic parent/trauma history blah blah blah…. I find myself feeling so guilty for doing what I want to do, and I weigh up the ‘right’ thing to do so much that I drain myself. What do normal people do in these situations? Do you just say no or move on without guilt? Be honest and hurt their feelings? Be honest in a dry, ‘no thanks’ kind of way? How do you decide when to give/be generous towards others?

I find myself feeling so guilty for doing what I want to do

Do you not count yourself as a 'person'? If not, why not? If so, why aren't you pleasing you?

Selfish people only do things for themselves. Kind people do things for themselves and others. Doing things for yourself isn't a variable.

With the first situation, it was ok for the other Mum to ask - we all need ‘mum friends’ that we can ask for little dig outs like this. Equally, if you weren’t planning on staying more than an hour, you could have just replied and said you were planning on leaving after an hour, so can’t help this time.

@Watchkeys that made me think for a while, thanks. Maybe I’m still not feeling quite worthy of doing what I need. Maybe I need to keep a watch on what I’m feeling though - if my instinct is not to do things for others I think it’s usually because I just don’t have capacity. I don’t think I need to feel guilty for that, though feeling that is a different thing!

@Sunnydays0101 i guess you’re right it’s okay for people to ask for help. Though it still irks me… I’m a completely lone parent and do everything myself. She has a husband and yet still asks for help. Maybe I’m jealous of her being able to ask for stuff where I struggle with that.

thanks for the food for thought.

With the first scenario there’s nothing wrong with the mum asking as she doesn’t know your plans and that your child would be bored but equally there’s nothing wrong with saying sorry but we wont be staying for two hours; her child having a meltdown isn’t your issue.
i used to be a people pleaser but I’ve learnt to say no and that I don’t need to spend time with people if I don’t enjoy it (although I do compromise on that for some of DHs friends and family admittedly). With your neighbour you will need to be ready for her to be surprised and have some ways to ward off future invites.
The way I judge it is If I like someone and it’s a mutual friendship then I will go out of my way to help someone even when inconvenient for me. Equally I’ll see people who I don’t necessarily like for my DH because he also puts in the effort on my side. If someone is in an emergency then obviously is always help too

Also when I do things for people I don’t do it for them to do me favours back but I do notice when it’s always me and will then take a step back.
To stop people pleasing you have to make peace with people not liking you but then you realise that people liking you because you do stuff for them isn’t what you want anyway

@Lkydfju thank you, that’s really helpful. It’s getting the balance right isn’t it - not being a mug with people who ask/take a lot.

maybe there’s a bit of an art to saying no, nicely or with good humour, so that people still feel they can ask another time or reach out in an emergency.

You aren't responsible for other people's feelings. If someone gets hurt feelings because they as something of you and you decline, that's their issue to deal with. If they actually care about you as a person, they accept and understand that you've had to say no this time and they move on. If they hold it against you, they were never your friend in the first place.

Scenario 1: Just say no. You can say you won’t be staying that long if it makes you feel better.

Scenario 2: Don’t say “come over soon!” when you absolutely don’t want them to come over again soon. Also sometimes be unavailable. Have them round for a cup of tea very occasionally for good neighbourly relations but absolutely do not feel obliged to have them round on a regular basis if it doesn’t suit.

Age and experience have taught me that these two people absolutely wouldn’t give a monkeys about you if the roles were reversed nor would they feel bad about saying no if it didn’t suit them.

Situation 1 is the easy one. Most parents ask small favours of other parents, this isn't unusual. But if I ask a favour I am relying on the other person being honest. I'm not a mindreader, I can't read your mind that you'd decided you would probably only be there 1 hour. If you tell me this isn't an easy favour for you then I probably have other people I can ask instead. So please be honest. You can say, do ask me another time, if you like. But no need to sugar it. Her need to avoid meltdown doesn't trump your (unknown to her) need to avoid boredom and she will not see anything personal in it.

Situation 2 is trickier because you probably feel some compassion for the neighbour. Best to set yourself some internal boundaries- eg 1 hour once a month. and then only make arrangements for that, say "I'm sorry I'm busy" for the other times and when the 1 hour coffee is up, say I have to dash now, see you soon.

If you don't actually feel compassion for the neighbour, then just be permanently busy. No vague promises of coming over soon. Brief chat in the street if you happen to meet. I have neighbours I'd actually like to fit in a cuppa with, but no time, so I'm sure being permanently busy is feasible.