I'm a 'fixer' and I wear myself out!

[recoveringfixer]

Any recovering 'fixers' out there? How did you learn to stop being the first to jump in help and 'fix' everything?

For context, suspect my love language is 'acts of service' so I do enjoy offering help if people ask for it. Need an emergency babysitter? Ring me. Need someone to drop off food cause you're stuck with Covid, I'm the one. Problem is, I so readily and quickly agree to things and then end up wearing myself out.

Recently, my elderly relative has decided to have a special party for a big birthday. They don't have anyone else who will help plan the day though their partner has a big family. Enter me, party planner!

I think it was just assumed I'd do it all and I launched headfirst into planning until a friend pointed out I was giving up 1 week of precious annual leave to do it plus getting increasingly knackered and run down. I've had to step back a bit. It's not a job I asked for but my relative hinted strongly and as usual I was the first to volunteer.

Even a few minutes ago my friend was telling me how her house was a mess as she'd been sick all week with a stomach bug. I'm just recovering from flu myself and my first thought was, 'I'll offer to go and wash her dishes'. I can barely get off the sofa! I must be insane!

And no, it doesn't mean I'm especially a kind or nice person, it makes me a person who consistently ignores my own needs over someone else's. No idea where it comes from but just wondering if anyone else has 'recovered' from this and how you began?

Recovering people pleaser / rescuer here. Did it through lots of therapy to recognise that what I was jumping to fix in other people was really things I needed for myself.

it’s like too much empathy. You lack something in yourself so you see someone else having that need and feel sorry for them and help them, but really you need to see your own need. It can stem from childhood - eg being a parentified child.

it’s emotional work - so with the party planning, what emotional need did the other person have? Maybe a need to be looked after, cared for, to have attention, to be listened to…? That’s what you need to give to yourself.

When you had flu, did you wish someone had offered to come and help you? Maybe you’re needing care, attention, rest?

Sometimes we can manifest illnesses to subconsciously get our needs met. Eg common example is overworked mum constantly has back problems because that’s the only way her family finally pitch in and help, which is what she really needs - support, care, for the load to be shared.

ask yourself. Is it my problem? Is it going to take me away from things I need to do? Can anyone else help? Can I offer advice and not practical help? Do I want to help?

I can totally resonate with this post and am currently working on my fixer mentality. It was my therapist that suggested to me, I see needs in other people that I have had or have. I decide to treat their needs as if they were my own and offer the support I wish I had. It was enlightening to realise this.

In my case, it stems from a childhood trauma, and then further traumas in adulthood.

I'm working on setting boundaries. Small at first as simple as taking a step back before offering and considering whether I really want to do the task. If I don't, I reply (normally over message) with a paragraph explaining why. I know I shouldn't explain myself and 'no' is a sentence but small steps for me. I'm seeing benefits and becoming more confident in setting those boundaries. I recently told someone who was asking something of me, that I wasn't going to do something for them, as I felt they didn't make the effort with me. I was snotty about it, quite blasé and we had some banter after. Didn't make a big deal over it. But it achieved two things, I felt better for saying no, I also set a boundary that said I wasn't overly impressed.

It's so hard for me and a conscious decision I have to make, the subconscious decision is always a default of 'of course! No problem!

Interesting, you've just described me.

I definitely prioritise others needs over mine and suffer the self inflicted consequences.

I recently told someone who was asking something of me, that I wasn't going to do something for them, as I felt they didn't make the effort with me. I was snotty about it, quite blasé and we had some banter after. Didn't make a big deal over it. But it achieved two things, I felt better for saying no, I also set a boundary that said I wasn't overly impressed.

@cleanbreak2022 you've inspired me, thank you! I really struggle with this stuff.

Substitute love language for childhood trauma of having very narcissistic parents and abusive brothers and I was the same as an adult. Being what my parents and family needed me to be was how I got the absolute basics of my emotional needs met as a child.

From my point of view it took tonnes and tonnes of therapy to learn how to essentially re parent in a more balanced and nuanced way to learn how to do things differently. Be warned though from my experience when you change from a completely unboundaried person to a boundaried person you tend to lose people along the way, who had come to see you as a person they could use to meet their own needs. It is actually a good thing but it can be hard to see it at the time.

Can you set time boundaries? So, you can help people for a set amount of time each day/week? If you have something concrete in your head (say, 2 hours of helping people each week, and you've already taken your sick neighbour's dog for 4 half hour walks since Monday), its easier to say, 'Oh, gosh, I don't have time this week, I'll let you know if I'm free next week though..'

Nobody else is going to need to know your boundaries. Make your own schedule and make sure it has 'Rest time' on it. Set your 'helping' time-boundaries to respect that. You can still say yes to people, then, without saying no to yourself, and what you need.

There's some really good thoughts here. I'd never considered this could be about me 'fixing' my own needs!

I did come from a very loving family (no issues of abuse etc) but my dad was a minister and I think kids in ministry/pastoral families can face unique challenges. Top of the list is that as a kid you have to 'set the example' for others. So I think on some level, it's perfectionism too...after all, no one can do a job as good as I can do it, right? 🙄

I have started to set some small boundaries but oh my goodness, the GUILT! I feel guilty for saying no, guilty for not stepping up, worried that if the thing is a disaster, others will blame me for not volunteering my time. Very interesting set of emotions.

I've just recently started counselling so this might be something I'll explore further.

I think it's useful to recognise that even within a loving family, it can be perfectly possible for a person's emotional needs not to be recognised or met. Having to set an example for others has nothing whatsoever to do with what you need or want, for example, so it makes sense that you learned to dismiss your feelings, or feel indulgent when you respect them at all.

When we come adults, we don't stop needing to be parented. We are deemed old enough to parent ourselves. This is why it's called 'Looking after yourself' and 'taking responsibility for yourself'. These are parental roles that we take on, when we are old enough not to be externally parented. Humans are very 'monkey see, monkey do'. You have been shown by your father that the way to be an adult and parent is to do things for others, and to put your own needs at the bottom of the list. Don't be indulgent with your own feelings. Obey an external validator, and that's how to live life well. Unfortunately, if the external validator isn't there to tell you whether you're getting it right or not, you have to do that for yourself, and that's what's not happening for you: you are not able to say 'You're doing something just for yourself? That's the right thing to do, well done!'

You can learn it though. Read about self validation. It's a fabulous, life changing journey.

This is an excellent post and I agree with your own statement that being a pastor’s daughter likely comes with its own challenges. In my experience of religious communities, I am from an RC background myself, they can be very much about denying the self to pretty extreme levels as you said yourself almost perfectionist levels. You will get there though. Even Jesus had his limits in terms of what he was willing to put up with.

@Watchkeys This is such a good post. Thank you! I was actually wandering round the supermarket thinking about it. I guess it's easy to assume that because you had a happy childhood that there's no issues resulting from that but then watching both my parents' help so many people (probs at the expense of their own needs) can rub off in a negative way too. And you're right, the expectation to be 'a good example' is a heavy load for a kid to bear. It didn't feel like it but liking back now, this makes a lot of sense.

@Allytheapple - really good point, thank you. I think some faith communities have misinterpreted 'laying down your life for a friend' as a literal command but you're totally right about Jesus and boundaries. He was exceptionally good at getting away by himself, taking a nap (when everyone else was panicking) and speaking the truth.

I started counselling last week to deal with what I refer to as 'the sticky end'. It's like I'm constantly on the go for months, doing, helping, not saying no etc and then all of a sudden I'm either floored by a bad cold/bug or I just spend 3 straight days crying for no obvious reason. A friend pointed out I have issues with boundaries and I'm always on 'high alert/high speed' as to who needs help next. Very odd and tiring way to live. This came up in the first counselling session.

Definitely been a 'lightbulb' sort of week.

I used to be a fixer and eventually realised that I just either irritated people by jumping in or got taken advantage of.
A year after dgs was born I was visiting ds and his dw was at work.
I arrived and shot into the kitchen to put the kettle on a start tidying up.
Ds said ‘ Dm when you come I’d like us to sit and chat, you don’t have to clean up.’

@Harrysutton Good point about offering advice over 'doing'. Maybe I don't need to 'do' everything but help others to do it instead.

I am not a people pleaser or fixer anymore

you need to be kinder to yourself op!! You will know who are your genuine friends are, you will have more time to yourself and you won’t be as run down 💐

This is a trauma response.

You need to learn to make sympathetic noises instead of volunteering your services.

I did come from a very loving family (no issues of abuse etc) but my dad was a minister and I think kids in ministry/pastoral families can face unique challenges. Top of the list is that as a kid you have to 'set the example' for others. So I think on some level, it's perfectionism too...after all, no one can do a job as good as I can do it, right? 🙄

I grew up in a strict Christian environment (with abuse thrown in too). I get what you’re saying about your background not being abusive, but I think it’s not unusual for religious environments to be emotionally neglectful of the self because the God-figure rules. Your own learning process/development as a kid can be neglected/trodden on in favour of you being expected to do the ‘right’ thing, or as you say, set an example and facilitate other people’s learning process. I imagine as a minister’s kid - I’ve known a few of those! - you could have been put on an especially high pedestal to aid your father’s image/authority in the church? So it could be that even in an apparently loving setting you experienced a type of parentification - adults expecting too much of a child in favour of God or others’ needs, and not being allowed the space to get to know your own needs well enough. It’s normal/healthy for young children to be narcissistic and grow through that/integrate it to develop empathy - maybe you were expected to skip straight to the empathy?

The golden rule is ‘love your neighbour as yourself’ - but if you’re not in tune with yourself and what you need, it’s quite difficult to know how love others well (rather than rescuing them - big difference!)

And YY, you have a lack of boundaries and a problem with perfectionism (which is itself related to boundaries in that it is based in not having a firm idea of the 'outer edges of yourself', i.e. your own real capability and limitations).

My DH is a 'fixer' and always quick to run to the rescue of others. It takes a miracle to get anything sorted in our house. Irritates me so much, like our family is at the back of the queue with him.

when you change from a completely unboundaried person to a boundaried person you tend to lose people along the way, who had come to see you as a person they could use to meet their own needs

This ^
Families tend to ascribe roles to each member "the caring, helpful one, the pretty one, the funny one". If you start changing that narrative it can cause push back.

I think once you are alert to your need to please then the pattern can be changed. It can be uncomfortable for you and those around you but definitely possible.

Are you uncomfortable with giving yourself treats and rest? If so that's a good way to start. Plan something for yourself and acknowledge you care for yourself.

Some times people pleasers are simply people who need to "be needed." It can be as strong a need a anyways any other physical or emotional need. It can also be a bit of self-importance and arrogance to think that " they come to me first , or they have no one else to rely on."

Some times when I over extend myself trying to please others , my friend says to " imagine if you were to die today, do you think that all of these things would go undo? Do you think that any of these people would be unable to function if you were no longer here?"

That reminder allows me to step back and remember that no one's needs or happiness depends totally upon me.

I've had a dose of that! I've learned over the years that, as other people have said, mostly people just want you to listen to them, and not solve their problem. Sometimes they are just trying to figure things out. Sometimes they need to solve their own problem in order to protect themselves from recurrence-for example a teen with their messy room or homework, or some friend problems.

Look up the drama triangle. Most people are naturally drawn to one of three roles in relationships but there is a heathy version of each as well as an unhealthy version. Rescuer (unhealthy) can become coach (healthy), which will still suit your personality and desire to help, without taking too much of yourself and turning you into a victim. I found it really helpful.

I was a 'do anything for anyone' sort of person, first to volunteer for things. I saw it as a transactional thing that if you helped people out with their stuff, when you needed something then they would help you.
Until I realised it wasn't, and when I asked for (non personal) help, no one would. But kept asking me.
Now I only do things I feel like doing, and it's much better for me

Watching with interest as my friend is an inveterate fixer! She is superwoman in about 8 different ways so it’s not something that has ever seemed in question, if that makes sense, but I think she is kind of beginning to understand that there’s a bit more to it than meets the eye, and that she needs her energy

Never heard of the drama triangle. Thank you, that’s fascinating