Tips to get my identity back

[LostidentityM]

I'm a single parent who works hard and I'm completely devoted to my children. But I have realised that I've focused my life on them and don't have much else. I suspect also that i have no confidence in myself as a partner so its easier just to be a mum, though I do have lots of friends. How can I be more than just a mum? Does anyone else feel this way?

Embrace being a Mum - I went through about 10 years when it was my job and being a Dad.

If you've got an interest - anything from cycling to crochet get going on that as well

@ManAboutTown that's the thing, if I'm not being mum on those very rare occasions, I'm seeing friends. But I don't feel I have much else.

It is a bit tough when you have kid(s) to take care of - is there something you did before you became a Mum you can go back to?

@ManAboutTown I was/am someone who worked a lot pre children, then in my spare time I'd see friends, eat out, see shows etc. I didnt have hobbies! But now I'm starting to wonder what I am as opposed to just mum!

Doesn't sound like you had a dull life- eating out, seeing friends and shows is being something in itself but if that isn't enough take up another interest maybe one that involves the kids - I did some sports coaching when my kids were younger and met a ton of good folks through that

Logistically, you can't go out as much as you used to but you could still one or twice a month?

Could you have the childcare to attend a class or a course in an evening as it sounds like you like socialising?

Could you look back to when you were a teenager and see what hobbies you used to enjoy? Some or even many may not interest you now but you might still be into something from back then.

Do you want to learn something like a language, instrument or skill?

I think would make a list of when I'm free and for how long, could be 20 minutes could be 2 hours, look at your calendar and mark all the free time.

Then I would look at whether it's important to you to do it around people or alone, or maybe a mix of both.

Then I would look at budget. Some things are free like walking groups or park run or language exchange or volunteering.

Then I would make a list of all the things I would like to learn or be able to say I can do or have achieved, and start making baby steps towards them. And if it's not fun, cross it and move on to something else.
You might like to make a 'brain map' of what identity means to you in general terms and then what your current identity is and then what you would like your identity to be, what do you think it's lacking (creativity, fun, social connections,... whatever!), which values or hobbies or skills do you wish to have for your name? What sort of people would you like to meet or life do you want to lead and what kind of interests are conducive to leading that life and meeting such people? It's thinking what tribe do you want to belong to, what sort of life style and values do you want in your life?

Come at this from a place of excitement for this new adventure of discovering new interests and focusing on yourself, this is something for you, rather than I have to find something because my life is so boring and I have no identity. Frame it as an exciting opportunity that can take you anywhere.

@chococherrychoochoo amazing post, thank you! I have no time in the evenings at all due to work and childcare.

I did used to enjoy reading. Sometimes the gym but I can't imagine spending a free day at the gym when I could be meeting friends. Sometimes yoga but again I always prioritise friends. Its like I want my energy to come from others rather than myself

chococherrychoochoo

Great post! I was going to suggest something similar.

I felt a bit this way when my marriage ended. I just had no idea who I was anymore.

So I did a bit of a pen portrait of myself. Started a s a mind map of who I was - my likes, interests, values, standards, character. I phrased everything positively and as though it was already happening whether it was or not.

Eg I do yoga rather than I want to do yoga because the latter was true but I had to make the former true.

I included everything from my political leanings, social attitude, self care routines in order to give me a real sense of who I was and what was important to me.

Then I set each thing as something I could achieve tomorrow (eg file and polish nails), next week (take up yoga) or next month (find a new job) and colour coded them accordingly.

I still do it now periodically if I start to feel I'm losing my way.

So what exactly is it that you’re prepared to change?

(Or are you just wanting to state the problem, have it validated, but then continue with no change?)

It sounds as if what you concretely lack is time to concentrate on something outside work and children? You mention lots of friends, but not family. Do your friends form the sort of support network that might mean taking it in turns to babysit, maybe one evening a week or one morning or afternoon at the weekend, so you could pursue something just for you? Something active if your work is sedentary, or something contemplative or intellectually challenging if that would be a change from work.

Really it depends what you’re interested in and what’s available within a convenient distance - you could take a course in gardening or art or car maintenance. You could join a choir or a theatre group. Study creative writing or dry stone walling or non-Eurocentric philosophy. Up to you. The biggest effort would be allowing yourself to take the time.

@SurpriseSparDay I guess I don't really know who I am other than a friend or a parent. But I really am taking a lot from these posts, mind mapping etc

Why not make a hobby of finding out who you are? Read books on identity, look up online blogs about extending your comfort zone, feel the fear etc. Try some new things out - even if you can't get out much due to parenting, you can still read more widely, listen to different kinds of music, do some free online short courses.

A good way to work out who you might be is to think about which women you truly envy or admire in the public world, apart from the obvious envy of wealth and beauty. Is it politicians, fashionistas, bake off winners, charity frontline workers, singers, bestselling authors, social commentators, academic specialists etc. Narrow it down to work out which things they do that fascinate you, then book a short free course in a related field - 101 psychology or archaeology or how to make your own pasta etc.

I believe journalling is a great way to get to know yourself so maybe try writing down what you think of the course - what you like and dislike which areas of it most sparked yoru interest mad continue to develop your skill and knowledge in that area. Then look for an online community who shares your interests.

You could also see if another local mum is willing to do a weekly babysitting swap so you can each go out to a fitness session or adult ed class.

I remember going to a special interest conference when DC were about 3 & 4 years old. One has SEN so I had barely left them in years. I felt the mental equivalent of rehydrated just listening to those speakers and being surrounded by people who loved what I loved.

You say that you used to enjoy reading - I think that's a good place to start. Not only because it's free and easy to fit into your life, but also because it gives you ideas of who you want to become. You know - when you feel inspired by a fictional character, or find something really interesting in a non fiction book and want to find out more about it.