I have destroyed my life

[HelloMotto1986]

I hope someone can say a few encouraging words pls. Please dont judge. My life is a mess. I come from a very dysfunctional home with absent father and malignant narcisissitic and alcoholic mother with whom i no longer maintain any contact. I met my partner at 22 craving stability and protection. I was undoubtedly extremely codependent and for years have suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks as a result of my traumatic childhood. My partner is older by six years. He is a very good human being overall and has supported me over the years with my issues. However, I also think that he is very codependent on me. Over the years i have never felt particularly happy in my relationship but automatically assumed it is to do with my anxiety and depression. For most of our relationship, we have had a dead bedroom but i was focused on dealing with my depression and anxiety and that somehow did not bother me too much as he was supportive with my mental health issues. A few years ago, I met someone at work whom i felt an intense attraction for but there was zero chance of this developing into anything as he was from a strict Jewish family who only accept other Jews. Nevertheless, i have dreamed about him for years. Strangely enough, i have never connected this to conclude that the fact that i am so attracted to this guy is that I am not happy in my relationship. I think it is my childhood, lack of self awareness and knowing myself, being a people pleaser. I have somehow assumed that this is just a soulmate connection that I will have to get over with when he gets married! He no longer works with me. Anyway, here I am. I am in an unhappy relationship with a toddler in my late 30s and finally want to leave. I have no family to help me but i will have to cope. The pregnancy was unplanned. When i got pregnant, i was thinking about abortion even though i wanted to have always wanted to have a child. But I did not think it was right to bring the baby into an unhappy relationship even though i was coming upto 35. Then my partner convinced me to keep the baby even though i knew in my gut that it was not the right decision for me. I did not want to be a single mother. I agreed as he was older and desperate to have a child at 42. I am full of regret about wasted years, getting myself into this situation, going ahead with the pregnancy, resenting my partner and despondent about the future and possibility of ever being in a happy relationship. Managing financially is another stress. I think we were never compatible romantically and sexually but i ignored the red flags in search of someone stable, not having any family at all. Now i am older and wiser and cannot fathom how i am where i am. Has anyone been able to find love again that was long lasting with a small child? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I am sorry this message needs some formatting and corrections. I feel very low today.

Feels like you probably needed him and he was a stepping stone. Without him you may have had a much worse time. Yes you can move in from this and it feels like you are in a much better place now than at 20. It’s tough but not impossible.

I started a new life on my own with DC in my 30's. It was tough rebuilding my life from scratch but felt amazing not having to carry the mental torture of pretending to be happy in a terrible situation. Years on now and my life is so much better. So, yes, in my experience there is happiness and love to be found later in life.
Sounds like you need to start focusing on yourself and what you want from life, then start thinking about the steps that would get you there

Thank you Both.

BuffyTheBuffetSlayer, can I ask please if you have found someone else after and how old was your child?

I say this gently and with kindness but it’s concerning that your first thought appear to be how quickly can I meet someone else?

You clearly have had an incredibly destructive childhood and that has obviously deeply affected you. But the solution is unlikely to be a new partner. You need to try to do some work on yourself. Can you access any form of counseling? Whatever you do, jumping from one relationship to the hope of another isn’t going to fix anything. If you leave, you should leave to be on your own with your child building a solid safe unit of two. Whether or not another partner comes along is immaterial.

@Noname99 you've said exactly what I was going to say. You need to work on yourself OP and give yourself some time to find who you are, then whatever happens happens. Jumping into another relationship, or looking for one to jump into isn't the answer at all. It's just going to make things harder for you In the long run. I mean all this In the kindest way.

OP do you see that the first issue people have picked up on is you wanting to meet someone else? You need to find a way of this existing relationship and parent your child alone for a couple of years, maybe longer. Is that not acceptable to you? If so then you need counselling, get your self esteem up for the sake of the child that you did go ahead and have - show them a better way.

"find a way out of this existing relationship"" that should say

I’m also concerned your first and only real question is how can you meet another bloke.

Yes, this is true OP. I think you need a lot of counselling. If you can’t afford it (and it doesn’t always work - indeed, some counsellors can make things worse), read some self-help books.

Obviously I don’t know you, and this is just some armchair psychology, but it sounds to me like you crave the love you never had as a child. This makes you vulnerable, and plenty of men out there will sense that and take advantage. I’m not saying don’t leave. In my experience, almost nobody ever regrets leaving an unhappy relationship. That doesn’t mean they automatically find happiness elsewhere though.

The dream guy at work was almost certainly just that - a dream. You were projecting onto him all the things that were lacking in your life. I believe some people call it the ‘Mr Darcy delusion’. In other words, turning a stranger into something he isn’t. You need love and intimacy and stability. But you won’t find them by falling in love with some random guy next door, or on Tinder, and convincing yourself he is going to heal your wounds and save you from your past.

Work on yourself, understand your past, and grow. Once you are stable and able to cope on your own, you will be ready for a new relationship. And it will work because you will love the new partner for themselves - for what they are, rather than what they are going to give you or what you can turn them into.

You haven't destroyed your life. You have a LOT of life ahead of you, and a lot of years of your child's childhood to enjoy. If you regret the wasted years, then use that regret to fuel making a change now. At the moment your child has a mum who isn't her full self, living a full life. That isn't good for them. Don't waste a day more than you have to for their sake if nothing else.

Focus on how to get out of your relationship, rebuilding yourself and being the best mum possible for your child.

Another relationship may come in due course (and yes, there are many, many examples of single parents going on to have very happy relationships) but that shouldn't be your focus right now. You don't have to be in a relationship. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy or successful. Relationships should come much later on when you have healed and built up your self esteem.

@perfectcolourfound this is good advice.
Sorry you are feeling low OP. Better times will come. Focus on yourself and DC now x

I appreciate all your advice and i get that we should all be happy on our own. I know that too but i also do not want to be alone for years. This is especially that I literally have no family, like nobody.I am a one man band plus now my child. But i also know that this needs to be a good reationship but this time not just stability but also love and intimacy which is not present in the current one. But at the same time i think my chances are not great as a single mother. I have been in therapy a lot. The last counsellor pressured me to keep the pregnancy and told me that I would be a bad person for terminating…, the same as my partner did. I never want back to see her again. The Jewish guy was definitely someone there who enjoyed the attention but had no serious intensions. The fact that we worked together on the same team and I could not distance myself ( i have a good professional job at a very reputable company with many progression opportunities so i could not have easilyleft) made it impossible to assess my own miserable situation.

perfectcolourfound, thank you, this is a very kind comment😘

Thank you!