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Original poster

How do I let go?

11 replies

cluelesspotato · 28/01/2023 16:23

I met a guy via OLD. Months later, he decided to move back to an EU country where he's from. I'd already fallen for him but I was supportive and wished him well, but we continued spending time together.

He has now moved and my heart hurts. We agreed to move on with our separate lives as I can't travel to see him (think windrush) and I suppose it's not worth the going back and forth for him; understandably so.

I'm shattered. I haven't liked someone like this in a long time. I'm in my late 30s. All my friends have settled in one form or the other. I don't have much family and social ties. So, more than anything, I wish my friendship with this guy materialised.

I don't know how to put my broken heart back together and I'm also just wondering whether my personal life would ever take off. I always just seem to be left behind.

Just putting my thoughts down. If anyone has any kind words, I really could do with some.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 28/01/2023 17:18

I think you're placing a lot of importance on a relationship with a guy you knew for a few months. What was your life like before you met/knew of him?

Original poster
cluelesspotato · 28/01/2023 17:30

Watchkeys · 28/01/2023 17:18

I think you're placing a lot of importance on a relationship with a guy you knew for a few months. What was your life like before you met/knew of him?

I completely agree. It was 6 months and whilst he was able to detach quickly, I couldn't.
Prior to meeting him, I'd just immersed myself in work and enjoyed hobbies alone - reading, running, the arts etc. And I'd had no luck in dating- mostly being ignored, slow-faded, or ghosted by men. I know something's not clicking for me. Just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
cluelesspotato · 28/01/2023 17:41

I was quite happy to just have those feelings after such a long time, I didn't realise I was getting myself into a rut and would hurt in the long run.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 28/01/2023 18:01

It sounds like you want attention and he gave it to you. You weren't getting attention in your hobbies because they all sound pretty solitary. You're looking for somebody to listen to you, you're looking for connection, for understanding, looking to be known and appreciated, and he made you feel that way, is that right?

But he didn't know you. If he had, he wouldn't have got so involved with you, knowing he would have to leave you. He would have known how much that would hurt you. He would have known that your feelings weren't casual.

I think you need to meet lots of people. Not necessarily relationship prospects either, just people who 'get' you. Are there activities you could do where your people might be? Running club? Art classes? Gallery tours? Bookshop events?

Original poster
cluelesspotato · 29/01/2023 00:11

Thank you for taking time to respond and for the kind advice too.

It's true I needed to feel connected and seen and I was glad he showed me some attention.
But he clearly didn't know me or care enough if he continued dating me knowing he'd up and move eventually.

My hobbies are very solitary. And when I've been to events with people around liike some you've suggested, I end up going home having not interacted with anyone.
I'm the last in the room to get noticed and people tend to try to get out of the interaction.
I can certainly want to do and be more.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/01/2023 11:20

Why do you need them to notice you? Why isn't it about who you notice?

Original poster
cluelesspotato · 29/01/2023 14:39

Watchkeys · 29/01/2023 11:20

Why do you need them to notice you? Why isn't it about who you notice?

I certainly do notice people. However I think it'd be nice if I also felt noticed sometimes. I sometimes approach people to start a conversation, but hardly get approached.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 29/01/2023 14:49

I do really feel for you. I think that you sound quite sensitive ( I am the same) Some people can bounce back up better than others. Personally I would do something physical that just makes you feel fresh and alive - join a hiking group, most hikes are a whole day. It's a hard time of the year, it's cold it's gloomy, but please be kind to yourself. I have had break ups with people I have dated for months and been more upset then break ups with people I have dated for years.

Original poster
cluelesspotato · 29/01/2023 17:00

Livelifelaughter · 29/01/2023 14:49

I do really feel for you. I think that you sound quite sensitive ( I am the same) Some people can bounce back up better than others. Personally I would do something physical that just makes you feel fresh and alive - join a hiking group, most hikes are a whole day. It's a hard time of the year, it's cold it's gloomy, but please be kind to yourself. I have had break ups with people I have dated for months and been more upset then break ups with people I have dated for years.

Thank you for your kind words.
I am sensitive and I have been working on taming my emotions. Hence, why I tried to be supportive of his decision to move even though my heart broke inside.
Good advice to go out and do energy-exerting things. I've been going to the gym every day. I'm looking forward to the slightly warmer months as I do not enjoy being out in the cold. But yes, hiking is on my to-do list.
Last year, I had no one but I was happy. I went hiking in random cities and did a half-marathon. Then I dipped my toe into OLD and feel so unfortunate that out of thousands of men I could have met, I clicked with one who decided to leave the country and I so happen to not be able to travel! I often wonder how the universe works...

OP posts:
page1of4 · 29/01/2023 18:01

I've been seeing someone the same amount of time and I love him so I'd be devastated. Perfectly normal reaction, treat it like the grief it is, feel the pain, get angry, get sad and eventually you'll get to the point you process it and accept it wasn't to be. Sorry this has happened to you, all you can do is give it time and look after yourself

Original poster
cluelesspotato · 29/01/2023 21:03

page1of4 · 29/01/2023 18:01

I've been seeing someone the same amount of time and I love him so I'd be devastated. Perfectly normal reaction, treat it like the grief it is, feel the pain, get angry, get sad and eventually you'll get to the point you process it and accept it wasn't to be. Sorry this has happened to you, all you can do is give it time and look after yourself

Thank you for the encouragement. I feel much better today, just being gentle with myself.
I will go through it and eventually be fine. And hopefully meet someone else who's more suitable.

I hope yours works out for you. Loving someone and being loved in return is a beautiful thing. Flowers

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