Always about them

[halloumi1]

I’ve always had a poor relationship with my mother and my grandmother. I carry a lot of ‘baggage’ from my child/teenager hood such as excessive people pleasing, never feeling good enough or that I’ve always done something wrong and anxiety to be around them.

There were incidents of a physical nature at times as well as a lot of emotional issues as well as constantly bad mouthing my dad to me (we have a great relationship - she also later in life said if he didn’t pay towards my wedding, yet she had, she’d refuse to attend) yet my mother then going on to marry an alcoholic followed by an emotionally abusive and controlling man who physically assaulted me in front of her, that she chose to stay with after and whilst knowing he behaved as he did towards me.
They also never seemed to be able to respond ‘normally’ to things so if a negative event happened, their reaction would be completely off the scale and quite frankly made me question their mental state upon many an occasion.
I was always a ‘bad’ child (despite being quiet, getting great grades and never bringing any trouble to the door) yet when I proved myself as successful, comments were how much they gave me enough rope at times but knew I would do it. I could never do a lot right and every aspect of my life was open to a negative critique or my mother trying to prevent me doing it. If I had a friend, she would bad mouth them after meeting them, same for a boyfriend or somewhere I might want to move. She’s never been there for me but thinks because she had a roof over my head and has provided financially, that’s okay.

When I became a parent I decided I would never allow my children to be subject to that so have kept them at arm’s length. DH and I have very busy and varied jobs anyway which helps, but we rarely see them and I take a few days to reply to messages. Partly because our lives are so busy anyway and to manage their expectations.

I did try NC once but you can never explain yourself or exert boundaries without them constantly throwing it back at you or playing the victim. My mother wouldn’t accept it and just kept messaging my DH telling him it was time it was sorted.

So (apologies for the length), fast forward to now, I’m overdue our second baby. Fed up but focusing on spending lots of time with our DS and not responding to messages from anyone, DH handling anything I don’t need to. Over recent days, I’ve been subject to a barrage of messages from mother and grandmother - starting by asking for updates, stating they knew my due date has passed and they haven’t heard anything to then dramatically stating how concerned they are as I haven’t responded and demanding I message back to alleviate their concern. All within a very short few days.

The messages have only made me feel awful so I asked DH to send a message to them both, as if he was writing a group message to a lot of people. It was truly polite and just advised we appreciate any messages, I’m not looking at my phone right now as there is no news and trying to remain relaxed and calm, people will be informed once DS has met baby and that DS was not born at this point yet either.

DH received a massive essay back from my mother stating how I haven’t been responding to her, hence her concern for ‘my daughter’, she isn’t causing me stress and it’s the lack of communication that’s the problem. Clearly another thing she can’t respect boundaries around.

I think because I’m a female, having a female child around them scares me even more so than my son. I get the idea that you can’t change these people. I don’t know what I’m asking really - perhaps how I take this forward? What would you do?
Based on the fact she respects nothing and if she can’t get her way, involves my grandmother who blindly takes her ‘side’.

Thank you for reading

Block them. You don't want them in your life or your kids lives. It doesn't matter if they claim not to understand. Block them on your and DH's phone and if they turn up, get your DH to ask them to leave. Before calling the police.

The abuse you endured at their hands is something you will always have to deal with. But you can choose not to deal with abusers now.

I'm very sorry for what you've been through. Please block these people and focus on yourself and your babies.

It doesn’t sound like they’re ever going to collaborate with you on your vision of how the family should work. They don’t have to behave as you tell them to (even if your request is reasonable). Nothing you can do if they ignore you…

And by the same token, you’re within your rights to delete messages, put your headphones on and put your feet up. Zero given.

Good luck with the birth!

Once I became a dm my own dm became insufferable
. I tried hard I really did.
Ended up going nc. Best decision ever.

Why did you let them get at you via your DH? He should have blocked them. You both should. They're toxic and you can't have an arm's length relationship with people like this. You need go full NC to protect your kids because your mum and gran will probably try to turn the kids against you when they're old enough.

Thank you all for your replies.

Always helpful to have others from outside the situation be able to share some rational thoughts / advice.
I would definitely like to look into some sort of therapy this year, once baby is born and things even out a little in the aftermath.

I really have tried - I’ve often thought it must be me, blamed myself, worried about not having much of a family but as I’ve got older, I’ve realised they won’t change. It’s a hard thing to accept that those you should be able to trust and have positive relationships with, fall very short of that. It’s just difficult putting that into practice when you’re always used to feeling in the ‘wrong’ and thinking it must just be you.

When DS was just a newborn, she would come over and make snarky, loaded comments about how he was always asleep when grandma came over, as if we’d hatched a plan together to always make a newborn sleep, just to spite her and prevent her seeing him properly. I might be impacted myself but one thing I would never allow is anyone to hurt my children.

It's not your fault. You were a child and they mistreated and abused you. As a child, it's safer to blame ourselves than to acknowledge that our own parent is in the wrong. But now you're an adult with your own resources, it's unsafe to keep blaming yourself.

Please delete and block. You have your own family to think of. Just focus on them for now. And when you are ready to think about all this, get some professional support.