Should I end my marriage?

[Singmu]

first time posting on here but I need somewhere to put my thoughts and maybe hear from other mums. I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second child, have a 13 month old LG already and married. Apparently due to my calculations I am 11 weeks and only realised . To be honest both my husband and I were a bit shocked although I really wanted another one sooner rather than later so I am happy although very nervous and scared about having 2 under 2. My husband says he is over the moon but I don't really believe him. We've had lots and lots of fights previously even went to couples counselling and it worked for a while , then it didn't and just before last week I thought things were on an upward turn. The thing is he doesn't help me with cooking, cleaning , laundry, dishes, doesn't drive , works from home (I am a stay at home mum but sometimes do professional singing and drama teaching with kids) so he is there ALL THE TIME. He stays at home most of the time and then sometimes he goes out on a night out and doesn't come until 3:30am wakes me up and then I'm the one up with the baby. Or just doesn't tell me when he is coming home . This is a recurring thing he did when I was pregnant last time and just after having our little girl. Basically I'm fed up of this and I'm really considering leaving the relationship, but perhaps co-parenting with him. I just don't think he respects me or cares about me much anymore. He is a great dad to our little girl, takes her when I have to do something, provides for the family but I don't know Im just sick of having the same arguments again and again. I just don't feel respected or listened to sometimes and I feel I wish I could be with someone who doesn't do all the things he does. A lot of the time I feel like I'm dragging us all through life and now there's going to be another baby as well. Am I the one in the wrong ?? Sorry for long post

sounds tough - whatever you decide, it will all be ok in time. Men like this don't tend to change imo but hopefully some others can come on and give support.

first of all when you view you DH as helping that in itself is a problem. Him contributing to the running of the home and parenting is what he should be doing it is not ‘helping’. Unfortunately many men think when they have a SAH wife that they can do nothing. That is why before making a big decision about not returning to work you should be clear about what that looks like. For you it has become untenable and his clear lack of respect for you is clear in your post. He lives like a single man so him or you leaving wouldn’t make a difference. However adding another baby to the mix isn’t ideal given the current situation

Was he like this before you married him or has he became like this recently?

If it's a case of he's always been this way then 1) why did you marry him? And 2) men like this don't tend to change

Oh and 3) he's not a "brilliant dad" if he doesn't share the childcare and housework equally. Part of being a brilliant parent also includes the housework and supporting your partner, not just taking the baby for 5 minutes when mum needs a break. And honestly I'm speaking from experience on this one, I used to say the same about my ex "he doesn't help with anything around the house but he's a great dad"... Whereas my partner now doesn't have to be asked to do anything, he just does it and doesn't complain. Everyone deserves someone like that, especially in 2023 x

This is exactly how I feel. He actually did say to me once that he thought it should be my responsibility to organise EVERYTHING in the house because I wasn't working (even when I do occasionally go out to work) . Eventually he conceded that this was wrong but then nothing's changed. I really don't know what to do or say to get through to him anymore. He admits my work load is unequal and promises me things will be different this time around but I don't believe him. I haven't even told my family about the second baby yet. My father was exactly the same but I love him so much and my parents are still married after 40 years. However, the way my dad treated my mum I would have left him too and maybe there would have been less arguments in the house.

Another vote to say that a "great dad" doesn't treat mum like a skivvy or see women as domestic servants! Judge him by actions, not words.

He needs to pull his weight - have you raised this? He might improve if he knows what you're thinking about if he doesn't.
He sounds immature selfish and infuriating but with no. 2 on the way you've got a helluva lot of work ahead of you - if he's nice to have around and not abusive then it's worth giving it a chance to get better- any help is better than none. As they say, no one will love your kids like their own parents - abuse aside obviously.
Lots of blokes are shiv when they're babies but get better as they grow up and start talking walking etc - such a magical journey and he should be doing everything he can to support you and make the most of it.
Think you need to get some sturdy boots on ready to give him a significant kick up the backside! Metaphorically speaking lol.

It won't get better.
It definitely won't get better with another DC in the mix.
It's a difficult decision to make especially when you have DC and need to factor in money, housing, childcare, then add feelings / love into it.
I've just come to the decision to split with my oh after 15+ years, I've always thought we were happy but he said something about our relationship which pushed every button I possess.
It was like a switch was thrown, a light came on and suddenly I've seen him for what he really is and have realised I'm not actually happy and he's never going to change or attempt to make me happy.
We've had a week of discussions and I've been very clear it's over.
I never thought I'd say that, I loved him to death, couldn't bare the thought of never seeing him again.
Do you know what I feel?
Relief.
Take some advice from someone who's been around the block.
Save yourself, you can do it alone, apply for benefits, make a life for yourself before it's too late.
Good luck op

Thanks for your replies guys. He really is a great dad I didn't share everything but he is. However we did talk and we're going to go back to marriage counseling for a while and if things don't improve I will have to reassess. Wish me luck .

Was he like this before you married him or has he became like this recently?

The most irritating phrase on Mumsnet. Women don't know how men step up once babies come along, until.. babies come along!

So many tales of 'decent' men pre/marriage and kids then expect the wife to do all the work. This can't be predicted.

I totally agree and was a bit offended by that comment but decided to not say anything - thank you for pointing this out!!