Should we celebrate grandpa’s birthday?

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

Hi everyone,

this is going to be hard to compress into one paragraph but I will try and be brief.

My dad’s birthday is this Sunday - he loves steak and so we are going to a fancy steak house in the city. I mentioned it at dinner and he said he didn’t want to go and would rather go somewhere else (mentioned a local Italian my parents have been to twice in last month. I said this was a little ungracious as it’s been planned for him - he’s the only one who loves steak etc and it’s a bit of a treat.

He then said, “well I don’t see the point in celebrating birthdays, waste of time.” I have seen this in practice a couple of times - he has bought presents for my mum that he wanted, or made very little fuss. I responded, “fine - you know what? You don’t come because you don’t want to celebrate your birthday and it will just be a sunken fallacy. Nobody will benefit.”

Some further context - my dad is a grandpa to three children, two of which belong to my sister who he has had a tricky relationship with since she was an early teen. He still uses her as a scapegoat and now he can be quite mean to her children. Today, for example, he didn’t want her 4 year old to play trains in the room he was in and so quite firmly pushed him and raised his voice. My dad also refused to help her with her children when we were coming into the house but was more than happy to hold my baby and help me. I walked into the living room (where he was) and saw that my sister’s 4 month old baby was just on the floor and her 4 year old brother playing next to her, with no interaction from grandpa. Grandpa actually said to me, “Blank almost sat on baby Blank” and tutted. I was appalled. I replied that he was the only adult in the room and should have been looking after them, and not blame a four year old for being rambunctious. He said he couldn’t put his cuppa soup down. It’s laughable. I have seen him drop everything for my baby. It’s deeply unfair.

deep breath. If you’re still reading - thank you.

Essentially, he has just been a dick today (and is always) so what to do for his birthday? I’m so angry at him for being so dismissive/ cruel to my sister’s children - he is 77 ffs! Would you just go out for lunch with him? I don’t feel he deserves it - he has been so cruel lately. (He is also a functioning alcoholic so his moods are just gross).

I feel like you are viewing this with a whole heap of history.

If we reply to the issue re a meal for his birthday, I suggest that in most families, the person with the birthday is the one who chooses where they want to go. It seems perfectly reasonable to me, for the person whose birthday it is to say "Actually, I've been to this other place recently and it is rather nice. I'd prefer to go there". You sound quite rude in your response to him.

However, there is clearly a lot more to this than him saying where he'd like to go for his birthday.

He is an elderly man of 77. The parents of these children should be taking responsibility and not expecting him to take charge. Sorry I but I am team your Dad.,Why cam't he choose where he goes for his birthday.

Surely the birthday person gets to decide the restaurant?

The favouritism/scape-goating dynamic is more complex and maybe something to discuss with your sister. If he's rough or nasty with any of the grand-children, I wouldn't be having him round them or certainly not left alone with them, and I wouldn't trust to the favouritism to protect your own child.

I'm at a loss as to why you're having a relationship with this awful human. Isn't it bad enough that you were the golden child and your sister the scapegoat? Now this is carrying on with the respective grandchildren. Why the hell are you enabling this man treat your family like this? Don't your sister and her children deserve better? It doesn't seem like anyone is in their corner at all. I'm surprised she has anything to do with any of you tbh. And you seem to be condoning your fathers treatment of them. But I suppose it's easier for you, as you're in the more favoured position with your father.

Dinner - the birthday person gets to choose where you go

Everything else - there are a whole heap of issues that need to be dealt with!

The birthday dinner thing is bizarre it reads as
“he’s the only one who loves steaks” so you are planning on going to a steak restaurant, but then he says no he’d prefer to go to another restaurant but you say that makes him ungracious. Are you really going to insist everyone goes to the steak restaurant for the benefit of someone who doesn’t even want to go there? A birthday meal out should be fun not an opportunity to be mean to him, if you don’t like or respect him why organise a meal out?
Then you say he doesn’t make enough fuss about birthdays he’s 77 ffs and I’m sure your mum must be a fair age too, most older folks ( myself included) don’t want a lot of fuss or gifts on their birthday and when he states a preference for his birthday meal you ignore him anyway.
Maybe your sister should keep an eye on her boisterous 4 year old herself rather than trusting a 77 year old who is a functioning alcoholic ( according to you) to be the only responsible adult in the room. Holding a young babe in arms is a lot easier.
I’m guessing there is a background to this story otherwise on what you have posted here, makes you sound the person in the wrong.

Thank you for your responses - appreciate the time you’ve taken.

yes, there are a whole heap of issues enmeshed with this so my response to him is often based on history rather than present day. Very very hard to keep the two separate as over the years he has been emotionally abusive to my mum, my sister and , in part, to me.

in response to the poster who said I’m condoning his behaviour with my sister - you are wrong. I have backed her throughout her life and will talk to him today about yesterday’s situation. I didn’t want to last night as he was drunk and a different person - would have fallen on deaf ears.

I will ask where he wants to go for his birthday.

thank you x