Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW discusses SA - need help learning to trust myself again with men

15 replies

Imoverthinkingthis · 27/01/2023 19:19

I have a horrible track record with men, I was with a coercive controlling ex who was also an addict for decades. I finally got free from him and have spent several years happily single, not even dating.

Last summer I had a brief fling with a man which ended when he raped me. I didn't report this and suppressed it into an internal ball of "life is shit don't go near men again". Avoiding men didn't last and I went on a few lovely dates with a new man, I had the realisation that I'm not ready to sleep with someone again and have been in a complete mental health spiral ever since and rudely ghosted him. I'm under the MH teams and requested a review appointment to get on top of this spiralling.

I spoke to the (male) psychiatrist the other day, he asked what triggered this and I explained the above. His response was "what's the worst that could happen if you carry on dating this man?" Well the worst happened last year...that's what could happen again and that's what I'm terrified of happening again. It felt like he gave such a male response to my situation. It's not like I'd been in a car accident and was scared of driving!

I need to know if I can ever be in a position where I can trust a man again, or more to the point where I can trust my own judgment where men are concerned. I need therapy, but the lists are long and while on the NHS treatment plan I'm not allowed to seek private therapy for some reason. I'm desperate to feel normal. If anyone has any advice or places I can read advice on how to have a healthy relationship I would be really grateful.

OP posts:
itscomplicatedagain · 27/01/2023 23:47

That sounds horrendous what happened to you. I've read about The Freedom Programme and I know it runs for free in many places. It's to do with abuse in relationships as I understand it but it may help you feel stronger. Hope you find the support you need.

category12 · 28/01/2023 00:09

Sorry about your experience.

Can you request a different, (female) psychiatrist? Seems wrong to be in the care of a man who says something so dumb.

Original poster
Imoverthinkingthis · 28/01/2023 11:02

Thank you. I would ask for a female doctor but I suspect it's a case of you get what you're given and suck it up. I might speak to a duty worker on Monday and run it past them because it's really playing on my mind.

I will have a look into the freedom programme

OP posts:
category12 · 28/01/2023 11:08

Got to be worth asking. If there isn't a good trusting therapeutic relationship between you, then it'll be difficult to progress.

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 28/01/2023 12:33

Imoverthinkingthis · 28/01/2023 11:02

Thank you. I would ask for a female doctor but I suspect it's a case of you get what you're given and suck it up. I might speak to a duty worker on Monday and run it past them because it's really playing on my mind.

I will have a look into the freedom programme

You can definitely request a female doctor, especially in cases of SA.

Why can't you seek private therapy while you wait for NHS therapy? I've done that before. No one ever asked or told me not to, and how would they even find out? I would do that now, if you can afford it.

EarthSight · 28/01/2023 17:13

I spoke to the (male) psychiatrist the other day, he asked what triggered this and I explained the above. His response was "what's the worst that could happen if you carry on dating this man?

I assume he knew what happened to you? If so, he's an absolute dickhead and is unsustainable for his role. I mean come on!! What's the worse that could happen??

EarthSight · 28/01/2023 17:13

*unsuitable

EarthSight · 28/01/2023 17:14

Definitely ask for a female one.

Summerhillsquare · 28/01/2023 17:45

Genuine question - why? Is it essential to have a sexual relationship again? Where's the pressure for this coming from? You are not wrong or 'broken', just having a natural reaction to a traumatic experience. Time helps, as does distraction.

Original poster
Imoverthinkingthis · 28/01/2023 20:40

Summerhillsquare · 28/01/2023 17:45

Genuine question - why? Is it essential to have a sexual relationship again? Where's the pressure for this coming from? You are not wrong or 'broken', just having a natural reaction to a traumatic experience. Time helps, as does distraction.

It's pressure I'm putting on myself. I'd like to be normal, I'd like to have a person, I'd like to be someone's person. It probably sounds stupid doesn't it

OP posts:
Original poster
Imoverthinkingthis · 28/01/2023 20:40

EarthSight · 28/01/2023 17:13

I spoke to the (male) psychiatrist the other day, he asked what triggered this and I explained the above. His response was "what's the worst that could happen if you carry on dating this man?

I assume he knew what happened to you? If so, he's an absolute dickhead and is unsustainable for his role. I mean come on!! What's the worse that could happen??

He did. He seemed absolutely non plussed by it too.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/01/2023 21:20

It doesn't sound stupid, it's a totally normal thing to want in life, and why should the horrible men from your past get to rob you of that?

He's definitely not the right psychiatrist to be dealing with your trauma, tho.

I don't really understand about the NHS programme not allowing you to have private as well, but if when you talk to your duty worker they're unhelpful about changing psychiatrist, would you be better going private instead, if you can afford it? It's certainly not unreasonable to ask for a different one.

Summerhillsquare · 29/01/2023 12:47

You ARE normal, these are the reactions of a normal healthy person. Society medicalises women, tells us we are 'wrong' to be afraid, traumatised, anxious - these are self protection mechanisms.

Original poster
Imoverthinkingthis · 31/01/2023 13:50

To update you because you've been so kind with your help.

I spoke with the team and requested a female doctor, they don't have one but a neighbouring trust does so they're going to make enquiries to see if I can be managed through them. They were so kind about it.

OP posts:
category12 · 31/01/2023 16:45

Imoverthinkingthis · 31/01/2023 13:50

To update you because you've been so kind with your help.

I spoke with the team and requested a female doctor, they don't have one but a neighbouring trust does so they're going to make enquiries to see if I can be managed through them. They were so kind about it.

That's good news. Well done for asking, it can be hard to speak up sometimes.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page