Can a person date / have a relationship if they don’t really believe in love that much?

Zanatdy · 27/01/2023 19:18

Well they can, but not nice for the person they are in a relationship with. I’ve known people like that, men. They don’t necessarily don’t believe in love though, just don’t want to be tied down to one person. For me it was very painful, even though he was upfront about it. I guess I thought he’d change his mind, but it was always a casual arrangement and I saw him once a week, term time. I was young, I’d never date someone know unless I knew they were up for a relationship as I’m not interested in casual relationships in my mid 40’s

Alcemeg · 27/01/2023 19:19

What do you think "love" is?

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 27/01/2023 20:13

They don’t necessarily don’t believe in love though, just don’t want to be tied down to one person.

This is not my issue, I have no trouble being with one person.

What do you think "love" is?

This here is my issue.
I don’t know.
And often I wonder if anyone else knows either, but they say they do / seems to know…

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AndyWarholsPiehole · 27/01/2023 20:28

Have you never loved anyone? Not even a parent or child?

Alcemeg · 27/01/2023 20:32

FWIW, I lost faith in "love" too, as in: that fluttery romantic thrill that doesn't last. Except that it did last in a couple of super-hot sexy relationships with narcissists.

I think everyone has something different in mind when they talk about love, so it's hard to say you don't believe in it.

I do think it is possible to find someone you consider awesome, who has the same respect for you, who makes you laugh, who you trust and feel safe with, who "gets" you in ways you never expected to be "got." For me, this is what love it, and it's not a belief so much as something I realise sometimes when I'm running upstairs or emptying the dishwasher, fuck I'm glad I'm with this person and no one else.

Finding that person, of course, is another matter. Took me half a century. I think if you actually found the right person, you wouldn't have any problem sticking with them. It's good that you're not pretending to have found them when you haven't. I think everyone is under a lot of pressure to make do. Keep looking.

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 27/01/2023 20:36

AndyWarholsPiehole · 27/01/2023 20:28

Have you never loved anyone? Not even a parent or child?

Don’t have kids, my parents aren’t the greatest and honestly, I’ve has pretty bad luck when it comes to people.

I did have a dog and I’d say she was the one who taught me what love is, or as far as I’ve come with that concept (if anyone here isin’t a dog person - leave me alone!).

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Rheia1983 · 28/01/2023 01:02

I didn't believe in love and was highly sceptical of anyone claiming it existed. Why? Childhood abuse and abandonment. I shut down and did my best to be an island.

As an adult and when I was ready, I had to learn with the help of therapy and via concrete experiences what love actually felt like in my body. The snesation of lightness when I saw a dog/cat, the warmth of seeing a little child grinning/laughing, the yearning pain inside when I saw a mother stroke her child's hair etc.

I was only able to successfully date several years after I was able to allow myself to feel, saw how vulnerable and scared it made me and made peace with this.

I'm in a relationship now and have to remind myself everyday that yes, the love I feel makes me vulnerable and that I can and will get hurt. But that's ok.

Tuilpmouse · 28/01/2023 07:20

Based in a recent thread on here, I'd say a lot of people have confused or contradictory understanding of love.

I think it's because we have an expectation that "true love" should last forever, and that this love equates to the "in love" feelings of euphoria and ecstasy, which generally don't last...However, it seems those feelings don't dim in few people, whose intense feelings last a lifetime (or so they say) so it can seem that this "true love" is real, but yet feels completely unachievable, and if we define love like this, then we can understandably give up.

Defining love as more of a sense of deep connection and affection, rather than never-ending intense passion, makes more sense. And something that isn't defined in comparison to others and their apparently perfect relationships, but by the unique relationship we have our partner, accepting its imperfections as part of what makes us all human.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 28/01/2023 07:35

For me love is a real thing so it's not a choice to believe in it, like, say, believing in ghosts would be.
My DH had an upbringing that wasn't abusive but was fairly austere emotionally speaking (no hugs for instance, so emotionally deprived really), he had a much harder time of it trusting that what we had was the right kind of glue to make our relationship worth committing to (i.e was our love real).
I think dogs are great for demonstrating love as they are so good at it and the risk of rejection isn't really there so you get to experience live without huge risk. I personally had a wonderful dog when I was 9 and she saved my life with her love.
In the end if the bond you have with someone is strong, mutual, caring and supportive, you both make each other feel like you always want to be the best version of yourself you can be, and you can't imagine life without them... That's love. Which is a more tangible way of saying it.

I can imagine if you've never felt it, that would be hard to picture though.

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 28/01/2023 07:40

I think I know what thread you mean and I’ll quote myself from there

”I always thought the ’in love’ part was after you got to know them, the ugly side and all and got beyond look, superficial status stuff, looks and if they have it - sex.

The part where couple chooses each other, not hormones or co-dependency or money or status, or possible - if they want them - kids.

What / when is that part?”

And now I see you were the one who replyed to me!

feelings of euphoria and ecstasy

This isin’t love for me either.
I think we pretty much agree, except in love to me is whatever comes after the faff.
That’s why I often disagree the way most people see love.
To me it has nothing to do with hormones or sex.
(And sadly I’ve read/heard so many times sex is a must, I don’t have rigid rules like this)

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Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 28/01/2023 07:50

Thank you for the thoughtful and intelligible (😁 I’m just saying this because it’s difficult topic for me to understand) @CleopatrasBeautifulNose

I personally had a wonderful dog when I was 9 and she saved my life with her love.

❤️ same, my dog did that for me too.

I know it’s very personal and you do not have to answer, but may I ask how did you recognize it was real love between you and your partner.
And how it was difficult to him?
Again, this is very personal and I do understan if you don’t want to write about / I’m asking too much.

I can imagine if you've never felt it, that would be hard to picture though.

This is probably it, I just ’see’ nothingness.

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page1of4 · 28/01/2023 08:13

For me having just fallen in love.... it started with me absolutely LONGING for him when he wasn't there and being the horniest I've ever been. Lots of belly flips and butterflies, couldn't think of ANYTHING else. As the months have gone on that's settled down, but I still long for him, it's like a heavy feeling in my chest. I'm so content when I'm around him and if I ever think of losing him, my stomach turns. I'm happy when I'm with him, I miss him when I'm not and I can't imagine life without him now. That's what love is to me.

Puppalicious · 28/01/2023 08:20

@page1of4 but that’s what people are saying - that chemical flutters experience lasts about 2-3 years generally so if people think that’s all love is a long relationship will end in disappointment. Whereas others say it’s what comes after that which proves whether there is real love.

OriGanOver · 28/01/2023 08:53

@page1of4 I have had that experience. It was beautiful. I thought - Yes! This is true love! It does exist. We broke up a year later. He completely love bombed me and lied about who he was.

The successful relationships around me (my grandparents, my aunty and uncle and a few others) have a comfortable quality. They can talk about anything inc ex partners, harmless flirting with the dr, going to bed at different times and in different rooms on occasions, having their own hobbies and interests - but also putting each other first. I'm not describing it properly but it works. They're happy and secure - not codependent but also their partner does meet their needs.

I definitely agree it comes after the first 2/3 years when the butterflies have died down.