Sister in law overstepping with my daughter

[Pinkpongona]

I have a strained but can remain civil relationship with my SIL.

After huge safeguarding issue affecting my DD because of SIL family member, we had little contact with them for years.

Fast forward to now, SIL has came back into our lives. From my view, it has been to enjoy our things or when she needs our help. She takes over our home when she's around, disciplines my kids before I get a chance, can be passive aggressive with me if she feels I've slighted her. She is also very hot and cold with me. I never know where I stand.

She is DH sister and they have a bond, I don't wish to come between them and I am polite to her. I do refuse to enable her selfish behaviour and only agree to time spent with her which I can tolerate.

Recently, I have noticed that she's really focused on my daughter. My DD is 8, a really sweet kid. SIL has never babysat her, taken her anywhere etc (before safeguarding issue). However, the past couple of months she has asked to take her out multiple times.

I don't feel comfortable with this, as I feel she singles my daughter out. She never asks to do anything with my DS and she also treats him different. She has little patience for him.

I don't like her but feel that's my own selfish reason for not wanting her to spend time with my DD.

She failed to safeguard my daughter in the past, only thinking of what she wanted. This is my main reason for not wanting my DD in her company alone. I was furious SIL actually expected to be allowed to take her out. I politely said it didn't suite but she went behind my back and asked her brother. Thankfully DH supported me but equally would be ok with his sister taking our DD.

To be clear, SIL wouldn't harm DD directly, but refused to acknowledge the need to protect her from a member of her family. Quite happy to have her with the member without supervising or realising that it was difficult for us. Member is no longer in the picture so no longer an issue there.

I feel like she is trying really hard to win my DD over by being the fun aunt. She can be very exciting.
I don't feel it's for genuine reasons eg simply wanting to bond with my DD.
I think she would also enjoy the fact it would hurt me.

She called her other niece ugly (behind her back) and has recently fell out with her other SIL too. She likes to triangulate and other SIL called her out on this.

How would you handle this? Would you allow her alone time?

I feel her behaviours are toxic and honestly wouldn't mind if I never saw her again.
I will not be allowing alone time but not sure DH will always support me with that.

Do you have any experience with difficult family members? Interested to hear how you deal with this.

How would you handle this?

I’d stop having her in my home or anywhere near my kids. DH can see her elsewhere if he wants to.

Would you allow her alone time?

Over my dead body.

Do you have any experience with difficult family members? Interested to hear how you deal with this.

Yes. A lot of us do. No one who isn’t pleasant to DH and me gets near our children.

I agree with everything @AnneLovesGilbert said.
Nip it in the bud now before she gets her feet too firmly under the table.

I agree with everything @AnneLovesGilbert said. She's obviously done something to warrant you not trusting her, don't give her another chance to fuck up.

Trust your instincts. She never gets her alone. She needs to build up trust with you first if she wants you to trust her with your precious daughter.

This^
good that your DH agreed with you.

can’t you speak to your DH about having more boudaries with her. Can’t he visit her, instead of her coming to your home etc.

Do what is right for your children. She doesn’t get to swan in and treat both of your children differently and show favouritism.
I wouldn’t let her in my house if she was behaving like this and being rude to me in my own home.
The fact that she didn’t protect your daughter in the past would cause me not to trust her ever. She sounds like a self serving bit@h!
This is your child and it’s up to you to protect her from this person’s influence and ignore the fallout

I didn't trust DHs family to protect my DC from one person (a convicted sex offender who had spent time in prison) so either I never let them out of my sight if we absolutely had to see them, or let DH visit alone.

Your children are not there for the entertainment of others OP. Please keep your little DD safe.

Insist dh lets you know when she is coming.
So you can take dd out...
Every time.
Don't subject your dc to her drama and mind games.

Your DH can meet her away from your home.. under no circumstances would I let her near my kids.
Make it clear to your husband this is a dealbreaker.. now and ongoing.. his choice to make.
Trust your instincts...always...

agree with all the other posters above - keep her away from your kids
she failed to safeguard - trust your gut.

you only get one shot with kids - they trust you to do the right thing for them - do it - keep away from the SIL

Thank you for your reply.

Funny thing is they don't do alot together. Mainly keep in touch by phone.

SIL just inserts herself into our family life when it suites her.

Nice to know I'm not overreacting.

Thanks for your reply.
That is how their relationship works most of the time yes, keep in contact with each other.
It's just been recently that she's inserted herself into our family life, or should I say wanting to get close to my DD. I am only guessing but think that part of it is because she has fell out with her other in-laws so we're getting more attention than usual.

I can totally see where you’re coming from.

I think the guilt from “stopping them having relationships with family members” is mis-placed when that family member is toxic.

Better to teach your daughter about red flags and toxic behaviours than to encourage relationships with people who like to hurt others.

I am not sure on this.

Imagine you had a sister you were close to, but your partner didn’t like.
Would you he Ok with him telling you not to have your sister around your house - just because he didn’t like her?

As far as letting an 8yo go places with a family member - I’d probably wait on that a bit. Not specifically because of your relationship with her - but in general. I think I am probably a bit overprotective, but unless my Dd spent a lot of time with that adult - or it was a play date with a friend+mother - I didn’t really let my kids go with other people at that age.

Btw - I doubt she is building a relationship with your Dd in some kind of plot to draw her away from you; or to hurt you. I think your head is making up irrational scenarios, because you don’t like her.
More likely is that she simply likes that niece more than the others. Maybe she reminds her of herself as a kid. We are programmed to feel attachment to our blood relatives and bond with them.

Why does she come to your house? She sounds like a pita. Limit her visits and no time alone with your dd.

Your SIL can't be trusted. No to alone time and as little contact as you can manage. Agree with AnneLovesGilbert. It's just not worth the risk, your DD's safety is the most important thing here. If you ignored your gut and were proved right, doesn't bear thinking about.

Not in a million years. She can’t be trusted because
“She failed to safeguard my daughter in the past, only thinking of what she wanted”
and
“refused to acknowledge the need to protect her from a member of her family. Quite happy to have her with the member without supervising”

So she clearly puts her own wishes before your child’s safety. She can’t be trusted with any child. And nothing is more important than the children’s safety. It’s the most important thing you have to do as a parent. My parents didn’t keep me safe and the result was catastrophic for me. I hate them.

I wouldn’t have her in my house and tbh wouldn’t even feel the need to be polite to her.

As a pp said, your children are not there for the entertainment of others.