Should I message my gf's 'relative'

[thebartenderatethethief]

I've NC because this could link to other threads, they're not relevant but in case someone (and I know some involved people are on here!) puts threads together and guesses who I am.

Okay me and girlfriend have split up but are still talking.

Whenever gf visited/visits ME, she's lovely. Loving, attentive, fun, great.
Whenever I visited her, she was cold, stand offish, quiet, seemed very bored of my company, ignorant. There was a 'last straw' moment some time ago when she was very awful to me and I haven't visited her since.

GF's/ex gfs' Sister in law (married to her Sister, gay female like we all are), was ALWAYS lovely to me while visiting gf. She'd notice when gf hadn't said a word to me for hours and/or had gone off with her friends leaving me wondering where she was. She'd ask me about my day, if I was okay/wanted a drink (bear in mind I'd usually be in a room/place full of people I didn't know when I visited to spend time with gf) we got along, talked a lot, did a similar job, spent quite a bit of time together-had things in common-she was one of the few things that made me feel a little bit better and not as left out. I really appreciated her being a bit empathic for me. She also was the only one who bought me a card and present on a recent significant date. There are absolutely NO romantic feelings on either side, in case anyone's wondering.

Anyway, I've not visited in a long time so not seen any of gfs friends/family.
Sil has now also separated from ex gf's sister, quite a messy break up involving 3 children, an expensive mortgage,a business etc. etc.

I don't know if it would be wrong of me to text gf's SIL and ask how she's doing?
I am thinking no, because she's split with gf's Sister and they're close and it may be a betrayal? But I am also thinking yes because I appreciate her, I haven't seen her in ages and probably never will again and I do still like her and care about her as she did with me.

If it’s important to you to show your support, then you could do, just saying something like ‘I appreciate all the effort you went to to make me feel more comfortable when I was dating ex, so if there’s anything I can do, or if you need a listening ear, then please do get in touch. Wishing you all the best, Bartender’. There’s no need to discuss your ex at all and you don’t know anything current about her sister, so it’s not as though you’d be able to pass information on. Your ex is probably not going to be happy about it, but if she has been horrible to you, why do you still want to be friends with her?

I’d think very carefully and honestly about your motives before you do contact her though. Is it really sympathy and wanting to reach out because you have the opportunity to support her? Or is it connected to your ex at all? Would you do it if it was the ex sister in law of anyone else, rather than your ex?

Yes drop her a line.

But I think building an actual friendship may not be the best way for you to move on

Thank you Nagado.

That's a good idea and I like the way your example reads.

Well, I do know (just learned in fact) that despite how awful their break up was and how much complication there is to it, they're all getting together for a bottle of wine or three tonight so they're all still fairly okay with one another it seems.

Yes, I'd not discuss my situation at all-definitely not to do with that. I guess she may not care either way,I don't know her well enough to know that, but I do want her to know that I haven't forgotten about her, and let her know It's an option to still be friends with me (albeit from afar) if she so wishes.

Thanks Lured. Maybe not, I will think about that.-I mean, she has a DD who plays a certain sport that requires coming to my town sometimes-if she wants she's welcome to stay here when they do that, that sort of thing-I want to be genuine and let her know that our friendship (no matter how it wasn't a deep one and we met through others) is separate and I am still there for her.

Well, I do know (just learned in fact) that despite how awful their break up was and how much complication there is to it, they're all getting together for a bottle of wine or three tonight so they're all still fairly okay with one another it seems.

In that case, I wouldn’t message her. It’s likely to get back to your ex and her sister and all that will happen is your motives will be attacked. It’s one thing offering support to someone on her own, but you don’t want to be the common enemy that binds them. More trouble than it’s worth if they’re still socialising.