Can I ask....

[prettygreenteacup]

I've been in a muddle about this for a long time, and I wanted opinions.

I'm now divorcing my exH, we split 3 years ago, unfaithful/abusive marriage. One of the things that really traumatised me and hurt me was the fact that whilst he was sleeping with other women, he still used me for sex at home. I knew our marriage wasn't right but also no idea at the time that he was sleeping with other people. It made me feel so violated and used, like my body was good enough for sex but my heart and feelings and our marriage wasn't important. I could have been given an STI for all I knew (luckily I was fine). He slept with multiple people whilst still sleeping with me and I was having sex with him being one of many unknowingly. I know typical affair symptoms etc but he gave none of those. He wasn't put off sleeping with me whilst he slept around. I would have much preferred him to "go off" sex with me whilst he was cheating.

How do you define this? I keep seeing the topic of sexual coercion but I feel like maybe I'm being dramatic in feeling like I was manipulated into sex unknowingly? It just left such a feeling of violation that my husband did that to me, knowing he was sleeping around. Maybe it's just part of betrayal trauma?

I can relate to this. I find it very difficult with hindsight to work out which parts of my last relationship were abusive. Am I being oversensitive? Was I just heartbroken? Do I feel foolish?

Probably a mix of the above. I work hard now to focus on myself and reminding myself what I will and won’t accept in the future. It sounds like you’re very fragile still, and that is understandable. I did the Oasis course through women’s aid and found it very beneficial. Hugs to you x

You are not being dramatic. Its a devastating discovery when you find out the man you are married to chooses to treat you so appallingly.

He did it because he could, and seeing he was abusive in other ways too sexual abuse often follows. I am so sorry that you are on this path but its good to perhaps find womans aid or your local womans aid shelter, their information can be found on their website. They often have courses or counselling. Its so good to talk to someone who understands and you may want to do that. I did and it made things better for me.

When you are in the midst of abuse, understanding why is almost like an obsession because we would never do this to anyone, so for someone who use to be so kind and loving, to turn into such an animal is difficult to grasp and understand. Please remember its not under your control, nothing you could have said or done would have changed anything about him, you did not cause this.

It is really - you were having unprotected sex with him when you wouldn't have, had you known he was cheating. There wasn't informed consent because he was hiding very relevant information.

Narcissism - he sees other people as objects for his used and pleasure

Hope you’re feeling a bit better today op

I don't think you are being dramatic. I would be very upset about this because he risked my health and wellbeing, potentially permanently impacting my sexual life and future relationships. I think I would try and focus on the fact that you are physically healthy and safe and try not to think of the 'could haves' because you could drive yourself insane doing so.
When you get these thoughts again in your head, turn them into 'what a bastard, and that's why I'm divorcing him, I am so lucky I didn't catch anything'.
Some people like to think they have a guardian Angel some people think it's bollocks, I think whatever you think try to frame it as: he's a bastard, I'm so lucky I got away safely'.

As for the having sex with the wife while cheating, some cheaters call it 'cake eating' and some do it as a way to keep suspicions away from spouse by trying to seem as usual and normal as possible. Many spouses recognise changes such as lack of sex as affair indication so to throw them off the scent they still have sex with them. Some cheaters have STI checks, use condoms, cheat with other married people who will be on the same page with regards to STIs. They think they are being careful but the reality is something could still be caught and passed between the tests.

Focus on your lucky escape, focus on where you are now. Don't let him take away more from you. You won't get back time wasted on thinking about him.

Not dramatic. To me, sleeping with other people and concealing it from the current sex partner is non consensual sex. The risk of sti's etc makes it a situation where you absolutely have the right to know and make a choice. Robbing you of that choice is a violation.