How did you tell your DP/H it was over?

[ClaphamAndCheese]

I want to leave DH or rather I want him to leave. I keep saying he's lazy, doesn't listen to me. He shouts at me and then doesn't talk to me for a couple of days and then all is forgotten but the original argument about him doing sweet FA round the house is forgotten again. I do everything.

He thinks we are OK though. I think he thinks I'm so committed to our 2 DD that I wouldn't ever "break up the family". Also he just doesn't listen so even though I say I'm unhappy he just gets angry and then seems to block it out.

I'm not interested in any more fights. He does not want to change. Does not believe he should. Thinks when I'm speaking up I'm being a nag or unreasonable or just annoying

I've suggested counselling. He cried and refused to talk about it.

How did people do it? Say the words i mean? What happens afterwards? One of you sleeps on the sofa? Just carrying on living our lives under the same roof? He won't accept it. I just can't imagine saying the words. It feels totally unreal. Do I just turn round in the middle of dinner and say I want to split up? He will laugh at me!

Any stories or advice? I feel like I'm gonna be trapped like this for years. Pretending to be OK while looking at divorce online in secret.

We had sex last week and him kissing me made me repulsed. Like so gross. Just willing for it to over. I'm only 30. Can't do thay for rest of my life

I need some motivation! Some of all of your bravery!

Speak with a solicitor first off. They can let you know how best to approach this. For me our relationship has been sexless for a long time, so I am prioritising unpicking things financially first with a low opportunity for him to put blockers in.
many solicitors will give a few hours of free advice, and I found it invaluable. When you know how things will play out you then know when to have the talk with him and what you need to cover. My conversation will be very much an it’s over, rather than hashing over who did what and if this changes etc.

Honestly if you let him stay on the sofa or in the spare bedroom things won't change either. He will still be useless, expect you to do everything but potentially be angrier and nastier. You say yourself he won't accept it.

I was trundling along with my ex for years he didnt think I'd ever leave him and said as much. I'd asked him to go but he wouldn't, he didn't think I meant it. He went to visit family for Christmas and I told him not to come back. Stopped contacting him entirely (didn't block as we had things to sort out just stopped engaging at all unless it was necessary). Changed the locks and told him as much.

Do you own the house or rent it?

If you are very financially interwined you need legal advice but if not you could just up and go you don't even need to explain any of it to him, it sounds like he doesn't really listen to you anyway in which case just crack on with leaving without consulting him.

I agree speak to a solicitor first. I found they will give you a free introductory consultation, but it’s generally an hour or less.

I didn’t know how to bring it up so I told him I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling. It was my line in the sand, counselling or divorce.

In true bastard fashion he said “fuck off, you can have a divorce” I think he thought it would scare me into backing down, but it was exactly what I wanted.

Even though he suggested the split, he blames me 100%. Im divorcing now, and all his anger and bullying behaviour is directed at me 24/7. I just have to keep telling myself it will be over one day. There’s so many happy divorced women on mumsnet and I want to join them.

OK. I will speak to a solicitor first. I can deal with the practical side of things. I already do all of that. Everything is sorted by me so I don't mind

Its more persuading him that I really mean it. He has nowhere to go. I don't feel brave enough

Send him your divorce petition in the post. That wakes them up to the situation pretty quick. Then just say well sorry but you refused to talk about it so I had no choice.
Whatever you do don't make it look like you want his permission. Mean business.

Don’t look to persuade, this is happening- it’s not up to you to convince him. It’s why I wanted to speak with a solicitor early on, and for me it really helped.

I don’t want to get into a conversation if I am not happy blah, blah, blah and him say he’ll try to change etc. we’ve been having those conversations every three or 4 months for 5 years. get it underway and then at the last possible point notify him that it is happening.

Once you’ve said it’s done, you only have to start the conversation once. Be clear that this is happening, state your reasons and be firm.

If he has nowhere to go he can look at a website called Spare Room (I’m sorry, I don’t think they allow direct links on here).

You’re too young to be feeling so unhappy. You’ve said that you’d be willing to go to counselling and he has turned that down so what are you supposed to do ?

He knows what you’re asking of him and - honestly - it’s not a lot, is it ?

Be brave and just get the ball rolling. Good luck, OP

It’s not persuading him, it’s baldly informing him. I sat my ex down with a “right, we need to talk” and simply said I no longer had the energy to deal with him as well as the children. We had been carefully polite with each other for a year, he wasn’t surprised he’d just been pathetically waiting for me to do it all so he could play hard-done-by-sensitive-soul to gullible women after. Every day since I told him, I have been at peace, even the hard days. Good luck, oh and yes to solicitor!

Just tell him.
I gave my ex an ultimatum- no drink or it's divorce - he had finally assaulted me (grabbed me by the throat and left bruises, woke next day not remembering and asked "who did that to you"). I said this is it and I know you can't stop drinking so here's the website to find yourself a room and here's the deposit.

He lasted ? maybe a couple of weeks then came in completely blootered. When he woke up I said right you blew it - get out.

Took him a week or two to leave but he did. I had to keep in touch (helped him to move his stuff out) but after that as well - until 2 years later when I could divorce him. It took a while for him to sign the papers but (to give him credit) he eventually did.

I haven't heard from him since and that was a decade ago. 50 years old and got married to an absolute lovely man just over a year ago.

Fingers are crossed for you

Good advice

I could of written this myself. I have no advice other than to bite the bullet. I wouldn't tell him mid argument as he will believe it was just the rage talking.
I'd tell him when you are getting on and everything is calm. Tell him you need to talk and you'd like to sit down and discuss like adults. He should hopefully then take you seriously. Best of luck x

I need to find the courage to do this. Given other times I've tried my plan includes some of the things above, like not talking about a reason or his behaviour or why we are where we are. That way he can't gaslight me about it all being my fault or promise to change, though the former is much more likely than the later. I'm planning on taking half the money out of the joint accounts just before I tell him after which I won't touch them and cutting up the joint credit card, that might get the reality across to him.

I'm just saying something like, "I'm done, I don't want to be married to you anymore and I'll be filing for divorce." If he asks why rinse and repeat. "I'm done, I don't want to be married to you anymore and I'm filing for divorce." Then I'll be saying something about giving him some time to think about what he wants in regards to the kids, but that we'll need to talk about that and about how we'll tell our DC within the week. Also that he should open a separate account and inform HR to use that one from now on. I'm going to try and be completely practical about it.

You don't need to persuade him you mean it, you need to just mean it. That 'I'm done' line sounds the best one to go for, but first get stuff sorted so you are ahead of the game!

Get your own bank account with wages and child benefit paid into it.
Take 50% of any joint savings.
Get copies/screen shots of any of his bank accounts/pension/shares if you can, and he has any.
Go online and start the divorce process.
You will have to live together if either of you aren’t prepared to rent, but do you have a spare room you can move into ?