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Original poster

My son doesn't want to be near his sister - what do I do?

23 replies

PicaK · 27/01/2023 08:17

DS 13 can't cope with DD 7 any more. I'm divorced and he's more and more wanting to be at his dad's to avoid her. She has brain damage so is loud, volatile and if I take my eye off her she's in his face and /or hurting him.
Exdh has him 50/50 but only has DD 2 nights a week.
I'm torn. I miss him. But I get it and I'm starting to resent her. Wwyd?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 27/01/2023 08:18

Let him go to his dad’s. If you don’t allow it, he will go anyway at some point.

Showersugar · 27/01/2023 08:19

Could you arrange it so that DS gets 2 nights on his own with you?

Humphplumf · 27/01/2023 08:21

Gosh how incredibly difficult. My first thought is though, why isn’t ExDH stepping up and having DD 50/50
looks like he’s cherry picking the fun easy bits of parenting.
Could you work it 50/50 for both children. But I’m a rotation so you all get a break from DD including your son. But he gets some 121 time with both parents separately whilst the other had DD. And then a day when you have no children at all each.

So say DS went to his dad on a Friday night, how about DD joins them on a Saturday evening. Then you get Sunday to yourself. DD comes come Sunday evening and DD comes home Monday evening?

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 27/01/2023 08:25

Work with him rather than against him. If he understand you are also putting his needs for respite first, he is more likely to keep coming back.

After 12, his wishes will be considered at court if he decides he doesn’t want as much contact with either parent. So I suggest also to have some days on your with your son as well (and make them very special) while his sister is having time with his dad.

MichelleScarn · 27/01/2023 08:26

Do dd and ds have same dad? Whoever her dad is he should be supportive of his child. Is ds able to remove himself from situation when she attacks him?
Is ds registered as a young carer for respite etc.

bigbluebus · 27/01/2023 08:35

At 13 don't teenagers spend most of their time on their rooms anyway?
You say you are missing him when he's at his Dad's. Is that because you are relying on him for 'adult' interaction or as an extra pair of hands to help with DD?
He's 13 and much as you've brought him up to understand his sister's needs he's at an age where he knows his mates don't have to put up with this kind of 'annoyance'. Teenagers can be very selfish.

Please don't take my comments the wrong way. I had 2 DCs - one with a life limiting condition (including PMLD) who needed 24/7 care. We were lucky enough to get respite - 7 hours a week - in which to concentrate on our other DC.

ShakespearesBlister · 27/01/2023 08:51

I agree there does seem to be cherry picking going on. Dad's father should have her 50 50 as well. I think you also need some one on one time with your son as this won't be sustainable. You say you are starting to resent DD, your son will resent you both and refuse to come home before long. It's difficult but I think you need to look into how best to give the both the time they need from both parents.

ShakespearesBlister · 27/01/2023 08:52

DDs not dads

ShakespearesBlister · 27/01/2023 08:52

All these abbreviations get right on my tits lol

ManyNameChanges · 27/01/2023 08:59

I’d start with having your ds 1-1 when your dd is with her dad.
Review how much your ex has your dd and find a way to reduce the amount of time he is spending with her.
Look if you can get help at home, some sort of carer/childminder around ‘trigger’ periods - maybe at the WE or in the evening when you are trying to cook etc…. So you know your ds is safe.
Talk to your ds and ask him what would work best. Being the sibling if a child with severe SN is hard work for many reasons. He might benefit from counselling too.

ManyNameChanges · 27/01/2023 09:01

Btw I’d also ensure that at least one weekend day is part if the two days your dd spends with her dad.
You and your ds deserve to be able to have a full day break.

LilLilLi · 27/01/2023 09:02

If it is the same dad, on the nights he has your DD could you have your son? Time just for the two of you?

LoekMa · 27/01/2023 09:11

Humphplumf · 27/01/2023 08:21

Gosh how incredibly difficult. My first thought is though, why isn’t ExDH stepping up and having DD 50/50
looks like he’s cherry picking the fun easy bits of parenting.
Could you work it 50/50 for both children. But I’m a rotation so you all get a break from DD including your son. But he gets some 121 time with both parents separately whilst the other had DD. And then a day when you have no children at all each.

So say DS went to his dad on a Friday night, how about DD joins them on a Saturday evening. Then you get Sunday to yourself. DD comes come Sunday evening and DD comes home Monday evening?

You need to pick your battles. Sending a disabled child to a father who is only used to seeing her 2x a week will not end well

lunar1 · 27/01/2023 09:13

Does your DS get any time with you without his sister?

80s · 27/01/2023 09:19

Is your ex cooperative, and would your son agree to 3 days a week with his sister?
Like this?

My son doesn't want to be near his sister - what do I do?
GoodChat · 27/01/2023 09:23

80s · 27/01/2023 09:19

Is your ex cooperative, and would your son agree to 3 days a week with his sister?
Like this?

I agree this is a good solution

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 27/01/2023 09:36

I'd look into any possible options to give you and your DS a day a week together on your own. Are there any respite options available to you?

Also, could you plan time away for just you and your DS? Growing up a friend of mine would have a fortnight's holiday with her parents once a year while her brother would go on his own holiday to a respite place so that the rest of the family could have some time not dominated by his needs and recharge their batteries.

ManyNameChanges · 27/01/2023 09:43

Agree with @80s.

Even if he refuses to have the dcs 50/50, he would hopefully agree to something like this for him
M. T. W. T. F. S. S
S. S. - - D. D. S

(sorry not as pretty as @80s but hopefully you get the idea)

Mariposista · 27/01/2023 10:51

Your poor son. No advice but I hope you find a solution that works for him. My heart breaks for the poor lad, he sounds so unhappy.

Original poster
PicaK · 28/01/2023 08:27

Thank you. Some good advice on here I'm going to take.

OP posts:
Naunet · 28/01/2023 14:06

God, that poor little girl, her fathers made it clear who his favourite is.

Id let your son go, it must be hard for him, then you could spend time with him when your ex has your daughter.

SleepQuest33 · 28/01/2023 14:15

you need to explain the situation to your ex and ask him to have DD 2 nights a week without DS so that DS can enjoy being in your home.
also contact SS to ask for respite as this is affecting DS

SleepQuest33 · 28/01/2023 14:16

Don’t let your son go! Fight for what you and he deserve

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