Adult parents involving me in their marital issues

[GougeAwayIfYouWantTo]

My parents are going through severe marital issues (discussing divorce), and they heavily involve me in these problems. It usually starts because my mum just cannot hide her anger, so I ask her if she’s ok and the deluge of stories about my dad begins. She is happy for me to talk to my dad, and naturally I want to check that he’s ok (my mum is very angry & aggressive, whereas my dad is the total opposite so I absolutely want to ensure he’s ok. I’ve been on the receiving end of my mum’s temper and it’s not nice).

Their relationship is utterly dysfunctional and toxic and I am fully behind a divorce if that’s what they want, but I’m finding it exhausting trying to deal with it. This week alone I’ve spent hours each day talking to both of them as they’ve had a particularly bad week.

For context, I am in my 30s and they are in their 50s. He is my step dad, but I call him dad and see him as my father.

I want to support my mum, but I’m not sure how appropriate this is. Occasionally she’ll reference their sex life, or allude to it and I find this really uncomfortable. She’ll tell my dad what she’s told me and then he’ll apologise to me as he’s so embarrassed and it’s just so awkward!

Is it normal for parents to involve their children in their marital disputes like this?

I was all too aware of issues between my parents from around age 7 to 23 when I moved out. I hated it and it impacted on me and possibly my own early relationships.

As I was too involved i ended up hating my dad for years. Some of his behaviours were totally unreasonable and he was (still is) a selfish bastard but if they’d have handled it all with more awareness I think I’d have been better equipped in my early years for many things.

Adult parents? As opposed to what

God this sounds exactly like my mother.
I also got blamed for all sorts of random shite as well.
She still thinks I took her clothes- I didn't. I wouldn't be seen dead in her stuff.

She now tells me she thinks my stepdad cross dresses and about her sex life. I stay away as much as possible and rarely engage with messages or phone calls.
It's been lovely.
I'd go as little contact as possible for your own mental well-being.

Can totally relate to this! Honestly best to distance yourself for your own sanity!

Can DM go to counselling , does she have a sibling to offload to?

Sorry but your dad’s probably relieved to see light at the end of the tunnel as in getting away from your mum that’s why he seems ok

It’s very hard OP. My dm has offloaded on me since childhood, and it’s been particularly difficult since my df died. He was no angel but he was my dad and I love him.

l spend a fortune on therapy and she refuses to consider it, though it would help me enormously if she would.

It’s incredibly hard to draw boundaries. Sometimes all I can manage is to lower the volume on my phone while she talks herself out.

I wish my dps had got a divorce. I think it would have been so much healthier than relentlessly upholding their marriage vows and destroying each other.