Ever confronted someone who treated you badly and it ended up that YOU were the bad guy?

[Metabigot]

I struggle with this every day and need to move on. I was best friends with a girl, let's call her Natalie, for 20 years. She was maid of honour at my wedding, godmother to my son level of friendship. Naturally I presumed we would be friends for life.

Last year it all turned and the friendship became toxic. I can't understand why it changed but I do know that I went through a couple of bad life experiences, a personal relationship one and a work one and my friend of 20 years didn't want to or wasn't able to offer any support whatsoever and made me feel like I was the one in the wrong.

For context I had supported her through relationship breakdowns and failed ivf, and had always tried to be there for her. But my turn? She didn't want to know. Actually refused to let me explain my employment claim for disability discrimination saying ' is that something I'd want to know '?

Ended up with her treating me brutally on a trip away, calling me crazy and walking off witjout me when were away at a theme park together with our children.

I was going through a horrible discrimination case at work at this point which she refused to let me speak about. I get not using friends as free therapists but would expect a long term friend to at least listen and acknowledge my situation when in a one off crisis situation, all my other friends did.

Long story short I backed off at this point, didn't ghost but took time out to see if friend would show any concern or just reach out. She didn't.
Tried to get back in touch a few months later and explained how hurt I'd been by her dismissiveness and also some cruel words she'd said.

She fucked me off at this point basically, and I stupidly sought closure which resulted in a vitriolic dear John email saying all the things that made me a worthless person to justify her behaviour.

Reader, no one stays friends with someone they despise for 20 years so I just don't believe this is how she felt for allthose years. Something changed.

I am trying to move on but not a day has gone by in 9 months that I've not thought about this. I accept I'll never understand it, but it has devastated me. She also took a mutual friend (her friend first admittedly) with her, its like she has created a false narrative that I'm this crazy bad person. The dear John email didn't make any sense with baseless and ludicrous accusations to justify her behaviour towards me and refute that she had any responsibility for what she'd done to upset me.

I hate to over use the word narcissistic but it had all the hallmarks of a darvo. First she denied anything was wrong, then made me out to be a horrible, worthless person.

If I'd not called her our on her shitty and dismissive behaviour I reckon she'd have moved on, but I couldn't sell my soul like that and don't regret calling out how she'd made me feel.

How to move on? We were best friends for 20 years and it all turned to dust just like that. It's shaken my faith in humanity but I'm learning this is not uncommon and sadly part of life.

I want to let this go, but I can't forget it.

Why do you address the ‘reader’ in your post? So cringe.

Only Time in a case like this will help you as it don’t sound like you two are making up.

Keep yourself busy too, so you don’t think about it much.

Friendships come & friendships go. Let her go.
She doesn’t care about you so move on. Don’t give her another thought. That’s life. Make opportunities to cultivate new friends.

Meanwhile I don’t mind being referred to as “reader.”

Had you ever leant on her before, or was it always the other way round prior to this?

Sounds like she was very much a fairweather friend and reacted by seeing supporting you as an imposition, rather than turnabout is fair play.

Is your disability new? Some people sadly do respond horribly to life changes.

But every time you read an AIBU on here, you know there is another potential point of view — the reason most people post is that someone has told them their actions were unfair, though they believed they were in the right, and they’re looking for reassurance they’re right and the other person is wrong…

We can’t offer any insights, OP. It can be very sad when relationships end. Therapy?

She told you the truth from her perspective. The fact that you can't seem to accept that this is actually how she feels is telling, to be honest.

You wrote to her for closure, she did the same. You somehow feel hard done by?

Have a think about just accepting that what she says is true for her.

You will never really understand her perspective because it's clearly different to yours. It's possible she has her own issues or she doesn't want to be a support for others or it could be you were too clingy or maybe you just weren't as close as you thought. Also friendships can shift and change and that's ok.

The best thing you can do is move on. If you feel you are stuck have you considered counselling?

‘Reader’ is obviously mimicking and taking the piss out of the very well known Victorian literary conceit fgs.

I haven’t got a problem with it.

Anyway, OP, like pp mentioned - do you think the catalyst to all this might have been your (?new) disability? Because it sounds like it may have been an issue for your former friend for some reason.

Or was it the appearance of the new friend? Bit of both? Something else?

I liked the Austen touch to the post 😀

It seems to me she might have difficulties hearing negative stories from you. Perhaps she has some mental health/depression problems and can’t cope with anything negative? That would be the only defence I could think of for her lack of support and attempts to shut you down when you tried to discuss these things with her. However, she is obviously a ‘taker’ not a ‘giver’ and leaned on you for support through her problems. As she has ended things with an awful letter it may be better for you to leave things be and focus on the friends who can support you as she is not really providing any sort of reciprocal support in your friendship and will only be a drain on you when looking for support for her problems. You have other friends who obviously support you - they are the ones to focus on.

Sometimes it takes years and years, and a new situation, to really learn about someone, sadly this is what happened - she did not want to reciprocate in terms of support.

It will hurt like hell. But time will ease it. She sounds awful.

It's Charlotte Bronte who uses 'reader' as in, 'reader, I married him'. I like it though I didn't notice you used it until someone felt the need to point it out. It's kind of intimate.

Impossible to tell exactly what happened from your post BUT any so-called friend who feels the need to express criticism in a cruel and dismissive way is in the wrong in my view. Fine to explain the issues openly, but why the need to be unkind along with it? A good friend would maintain the respect, even if they felt they had to distance themselves.

I'm sorry you have lost a long standing friend after 20 years OP- that sounds really painful. I guess you can only try to put it behind you and look to make new friends or develop further the ones you have. It sounds unsalvagable so try to stop going over and over it.

You mention that she said horrible things about you but you haven't told us what they are. What reason did she give for not wanting to be friends any more? It sounds like she had maybe already decided to end the friendship quietly and she only responded telling you things from her prospective when you did the same. Why are you so sure that her accusations are completely baseless? Have you reflected on the friendship at all to consider whether you may have played a part in it's end?

Not the same circumstances but I had a similar experience with a long term friend. In time you will move on and just adapt to a new way of life.
She was your friend for all those years it’s going to take time to get over the friendship no longer being there.

For me it was slightly easier in that a year or so after it happened I saw her push away other friends within our group too (though I was closest to her so it bothered me a lot more), so I began to take it less personally.

I’m sure you both feel wronged in some
way, and it’s a shame that she couldn’t have better dealt with whatever her issue was, but all you can do now is focus on those who are around you

I was completely dumped by a best mate who I'd been inseparable from since I was about 10. I was blindsided. She made a ridiculous excuse about why she suddenly blocked me on everything (everyone we know did a WTF when they heard, so it wasn't just me dismissing her POV.)
Years later, and I'm almost certain there was a completely different reason behind it that was very little to do with me (a mutual friend had been SA'd, and I'd been supporting her- best mate was too close to the abuser to be able to cope with this, it was easier for her to make stuff up about me so that she didn't have to face it.) It was really nothing to do with me.

People do this to make themselves feel better for being a shitty person. I have it with one sibling and one now ex friend. They have done horrific things on me but have somehow twisted things to make themselves the victim. It did hurt but I am getting over it. People who really know you will know the truth and that is all that matters. Sorry you are going through it but as someone who has been there all I can say is do not let this take up space in your head or you will drive yourself insane and it is not worth it.

Things don't just end like this. There has to be more from it. You seem unable to accept there could possibly be any substance in her feelings but how sure are you that her feelings are not valid? Is it possible things were not quite how you viewed them? Is there honestly nothing at all you can think of as to why she sees things completely differently to you?

It sounds as if maybe she had already started backing away from the friendship before you fell out. Just thinking when she wouldn't listen to any of your problems, that sounds like someone who is irritated and doesn't really like the person they're talking to.

I think you should have left it and not looked for closure as you could have seen she didn't feel that friendly towards you anymore from how she was behaving. That said, she didn't behave well either but these things happen and sometimes there is no bad guy.

Don't bother with her anymore as she clearly doesn't want to be friends

You're right about closure. I won't ask for closure again in such circumstances as I've learnt its unlikely to be honest.

I have made 2 new friends this year so maybe it was meant to be time for change. I just will never understand it as we were definitely close until about a year before this, reading old texts etc there was a good relationship.

I've had friendships fizzle out before but nothing like this.

I did ask other friends to tell me honestly if there was any truth in some of the things she said and neither they nor I could see it so I didn't automatically dismiss it. I just don't agree with it but accept her rights to her views of me.

Anyway I have at least forged new friendships which eases the pain of loss a little.

I don't think it helps to see her as someone who was your friend for 20 years and then you suddenly discovered what a terrible narcissist she is. That is more upsetting and shocking than what may have just been a diversion of two lives and two points of view, maybe she had kept quiet about how she felt towards you over the years until the point when she couldn't anymore and hurtful things were said as you both outraged each other with your different perspectives. It doesn't make her right in what she said about you, but she may not be the bad person you now assume her to be, just very different to how you envisioned her role in your life was. This does happen in long standing friendships, many of us have been through it and it is devastating when it happens and takes a long time to get over.

What did her letter say OP?

*divergence

Yes I've had this. When I finally could not take any more of a friends narcissistic behaviour and treating me like a second class citizen she went nuclear. Long emails detailing all my faults trying to get me to respond. So many words, not one of them apologising. She tried to get my friends and bf to intervene. But she only wanted me in her life as support. She wanted me to be there knowing my place should she need me. No not doing it anymore.

It's projection. My life became instantly happier without her in it.

You will move on and you will stop missing her.