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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finding the school parents unfriendly

24 replies

ClaraSais · 26/01/2023 21:39

Hi all.
please don’t judge as I’m struggling quite a bit with this and have done since my daughter started school in 2021.
I live outside a village and even though I am friendly and talk to other mums they seem to only talk to me when they want too. I’ve even been to the local baby and toddler group and it’s me making the effort to socialise.
there’s now been a a massive leaving off a fb group chat because someone swore (it wasn’t abusive and it was a fair opinion but)
I actually come back from school runs feeling quite sad and lonely. I feel inferior and looked down upon. My daughter has her own struggles too.
i also thought I had a close friend but I was dumped as soon as a new mum moved to the village. My daughter has been excluded and it’s heartbreaking to witness.
I think them now leaving the fb group chat (quite a few) wasn’t very nice tbh and not very well handled.
im honestly so fed up and exhausted with the playground politics. It’s petty and pathetic and I’ve bigger responsibilities like looking after my housebound dad also. Any kind advice please?

OP posts:
Led92 · 26/01/2023 21:41

Can you try the peanut app or bumble friends and meet people that way who are actually looking for other mum friends?

jtaeapa · 26/01/2023 21:41

Ignore them all. Your dd will make her own friends and she can see them in school.

Wolfiefan · 26/01/2023 21:44

Your child can make friends at school. You’d do better doing a hobby and finding likeminded people like that.

FuglyBitch · 26/01/2023 21:44

Similar experience as yours. That’s why I quickly returned to work and kept myself busy with the kids on the weekends. Lots of clubs/activities. Then going to see grandparents, so never need to interact with a non-inclusive group of people

Savoretti · 26/01/2023 21:46

I’ve had 3 children through 6 schools in total and playground politics go in in them all. Don’t try to make friends with school mums is my option. There are always so many cliques; they are worse than the kids. Just smile and be friendly, that way you won’t be involved but neither will you get on the ‘wrong side’ of anyone so there should be no stress

TheSnowyOwl · 26/01/2023 21:47

Some people just aren’t very nice. Just because your child goes to school with a similar aged child doesn’t mean they have nice parents who you will get on with. I’d look to find and establish a friendship group elsewhere. Does your child have any hobbies as volunteering there could be a start.

Pootleplum · 26/01/2023 21:52

Same here OP. I was really surprised as have easily made friends at every stage of my life and in every workplace. School playground is really unfriendly. I've made my peace with it now and I'm smiley and warm but get in and get out, no chatting. One weird thing is that some of the parents who are now in the school playground were at my DC nursery and used to chat and be friendly! But now - nothing.

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/01/2023 21:53

Stop looking for friends at the school gate.

Just because women have children the same age doesn't mean you have anything else in common.

Get a hobby, volunteer, get a job. Things that will enable you to connect with people you have similar interests in.

Your child will make friends. If doesn't matter who you hang out with or don't.

purpledalmation · 26/01/2023 22:05

It always been the same.

Ghostbuster2639 · 26/01/2023 22:08

I think like many mums you’ve expected that you’ll make lots of friends when your child goes to school. This isn’t true for many people and in fact lots of people, myself included, don’t want to make friends with other school parents. It’s often nothing personal.

I agree with pp about making friends elsewhere.

stevalnamechanger · 26/01/2023 22:10

I'd recommend joining a gym or some classes and making new friends centered around a common goal

Ignore the bitchy playground crew

ClaraSais · 27/01/2023 08:12

Led92 · 26/01/2023 21:41

Can you try the peanut app or bumble friends and meet people that way who are actually looking for other mum friends?

Hi - I’ve tried that but after one meet everyone stopped meeting but thank you x

OP posts:
ClaraSais · 27/01/2023 08:15

Thank you for all the feedback I appreciate it. I’m plenty busy with my dad and the kids at the moment. @Pootleplum totally agree I’m just going to go in and out and leave them to their petty playground politics. It’s when the children get excluded and it effects them that upsets me x

OP posts:
piggypoole · 27/01/2023 08:19

Just keep your distance. Can't get roped into gossip and the fall out . Just grab your kid and go !

UpUpAndAwol · 27/01/2023 08:26

I have two DC and my experience with my oldest child was like yours but my second completely different. I have two lovely friends from the parents in that year group. My oldest child I don’t know any of them other than to wave hello at. Same school.

it’s a very small ex-mining village and I do find the people quite guarded overall. I also find the school similar. Not unfriendly but lots of layers of barriers and boundaries.

anthurium · 27/01/2023 10:04

Watching with interest, and no real advice. People meet in all sorts of ways, rather than categorising themselves (as apps have us behave). I'm a solo mum by choice so at the moment, I'm the only single/solo parent that I know of in my community of parents, it presents different challenges.

I'm tentatively looking forward to the idea that maybe I could expand my social circle via this new phase of my life, but I'm dreading the "nursery/playground" politics of it all. I've little downtime to explore other possibilities of socialising. I hope you find some welcoming new friends Op!

Babyg1995 · 27/01/2023 10:08

Ignore them I hated the school run dramas I always avoided it would give a polite hello and that was it .
don't give it the head space op So not worth it

Beamur · 27/01/2023 10:09

My suggestion would be to volunteer for Brownies or whatever the Scout equivalent is. Fun for your DD and a nice friendly atmosphere and network of adults for you.
School Mum groups can be cliquey, and however nice you might be, if you are outside of the group it can feel like a lonely place.

ethermint · 27/01/2023 10:21

single parent here. I went through very similar and drove myself a bit potty with it making myself really upset. I don't get how some parents can be so downright rude! It was things like a kid and their mum would pop over for a playdate, we'd have a great chat, then the next day she acted like she didn't know me when I saw her! Another one looked the other way in the corridor when I walked past etc etc. Really odd (and I don't think there's anything particularly odd about me or my kid!!).

I just put it down to cliquey, snobby behaviour a bit like being back at school again.

The only way to deal with it is to completely mentally detach from any expectation that they will be friendly, stop trying to be friendly with them, if someone talks then it's a bonus but don't initiate any conversations unless they arise naturally, and even then don't expect anything more than a quick chat.

Act as if they are strangers and release your expectations for anything else, mentally detach and focus on the rest of your life outside of these people (family, friends, clubs etc).

It's unfortunate that in this day and age people act as if they are in the playground themselves still! There's so much snobbery, classism, cliquey, alpha type behaviour still.

I have come to the conclusion that either people are very busy with their own lives, stuck up or repressed. I think it's a british thing in particular, a cultural issue that runs deep in our society. That's how I've accepted it.

Just know you're not a bad person and it's more about them than you - and get on with your own life as if they never existed!

Not always easy but primary school goes quickly and it won't last forever.

Pootleplum · 27/01/2023 13:30

@ethermint this is exactly what happened to me with the bizarre blanking after play dates etc. Really odd and the first time anything like that had happened to me. Because it is so weird I haven't been that bothered. But I would really like to understand it.

And I fully agree with lowering expectations and withdrawing.

ClaraSais · 27/01/2023 13:33

Lots to ponder here, thanks everyone x

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 27/01/2023 14:23

I agree with a pp - just because someone has children at the same school as your children, it doesn't mean you should be friends or have anything else in common.

I understand it's upsetting if you think your DC are being left out of things, but try not to mix the 2 issues up.

Mary46 · 27/01/2023 17:48

Ignore op you best out of it. Met few nice mams through my daughter's year. It can be clicky at school gates. I find a hobby can be good too for meetups. I remember a dad asking me to carpool for a party. Mine wasnt invited.. I just did my own thing after that!

MalcolmTuckersBollockingface · 28/01/2023 21:05

I had a similar experience and agree with the advice to not give it headspace and to detach. I just find it all quite baffling.

Ethermint's post is spot on especially the bit about some parents regressing into a school yard mentality, themselves. I do think there is some truth to this being a repressed, characteristically British, way of carrying on.

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