I Shouldn’t But I Miss My Ex Husband

[JoanCandy]

Someone please help and talk some sense into me ?!
My DexH and I were together 16 years altogether, the last 6 years were a shit show, to be honest. We’d split up, get back together, try and just be friends, go completely NC … the ups and downs of it all have been draining and my mental health I feel has suffered as a result.

In the midst of all of this we did actually get divorced and he now lives about 3 1/2 hours away so no chance of bumping into him, which is a relief.

Since new year, however, I’ve felt myself slipping further and further into a depression. I miss the good bits of being with him. I have absolutely no intention of attempting yet another reconciliation again but where I once felt strong I feel so sad about it all now. I’ve been gathering the last bits of his stuff to send onto his mate to give to him and I’ve come across photos that just remind me of the many good times we had until it all went pear shaped.

We split because he became a massive cock lodger ! He’d always had an inclination to be that way but it got worse and worse along with his dependence on alcohol, which by the end was really starting to adversely affect his health and therefore his ability to work or even just to take part in the running of our home and family stuff.

It’s such a waste, he has/had so many good qualities and that’s what I fell for. Looking back over these photos has made me really pine for the man that I fell for and was so proud to call my partner and then husband.

I’m just having a whinge and feeling sorry for myself !

It will pass, won’t it ? If you’ve been through this then how did you cope ? How long did it last for you ?

Thanks for reading this far.

I’m sorry you feel this way. It will pass. Allow yourself to grieve for your marriage. There’s no magic button you can press that will eliminate that chapter of your life, you are grieving for the good times and it sounds like you have accepted that it’s best to leave things be.

You sound like you’re doing brilliant even though you may not feel it. Try to focus on what your future will look like rather than dwell in the past. All the best.

@Thewildling thanks for that lovely reply, I really appreciate it. I have been doing well, on the whole.
I think the time of year isn’t helping also the job I do has meant I’ve had to have this month off, we start up again in a few weeks, I’m sure that that will help. Thanks again.

It's really easy to look back on the past with rose tinted glasses. You're grieving for the man that you wanted him to be and not the man that he is. Perfectly normal, but I'd make sure that you get rid of all of his stuff, have a good old shout/scream/cry, then dust yourself down and make the best of all the positives that his absence from your life brings.

I think it happens in stages, and 16yrs is a long time. If you're definitely not going back, let it wash over you like a wave and crash you out for a bit. the sadness and regret deserves a voice. It will pass more cleanly then. I'm sorry this happened, what a shame x

Tony Robbins: you’ll be stuck in your pain and problems until you find something you value more. Go find it. I don’t think you miss him, you miss being in a relationship, company, friendship, social security, but not specifically him, like you believe.

Thanks for these replies, I really appreciate them and all of you for taking the time to post.

I’m still very, very low and I just can’t seem to ‘pull myself together’, it’s so unlike me. I keep dwelling on the good aspects of our relationship , I’m missing the comfort of his familiarity and all the stupid small things that we did together. Argh !!! 😂 This stuff is hard ! But my resolve is firm and I actually have no desire to contact him … so that’s got to be a move in the right direction ?

@JoanCandy - it is grief. To have loved someone and for them to change (so that they became unlikely) is similar to a bereavement.

The post by @Lovestoned is very accurate. It's natural to miss the good times but it may help to write down the bad times and when you have thoughts about him try to focus on something else.

Grief is a natural stage that you can move through

It's important to separate the real man from the fantasy man. Every time you long for the fantasy remember 3 times he upset, hurt you or lied to you. Rememberbwgat he saud and did, remember how hurt and disappointed you were how, unsafe, impoverished belitted whatever bad things thise memories evoje focys on those. Colour those bad memories in. Do not daydream about the fantasy, when you find yourself thinking of him or remembering the good times refocus on those three memories because sadly they are reality.

@JoanCandy - have some real sympathy with you here having been through something a bit similar.

Any relationship that lasts 16 years will have plenty of happy times to remember but there are also reasons why you separated. It is natural to reflect on your marriage but also healthy to move on. It sounds a bit harsh but whenever you start feeling nostalgic focus on the booze issues and financial dependency to put things into perspective. I doubt he'll ever change