Really need some advice here my head is an absolute mush and a half.
My mum and I were close when I was growing up. As I grew up I think some of my morals and values changed from hers - she's a very conservative person, doesn't drink, married her childhood sweetheart, believes only in nuclear families, bit snobby etc.
Anyone who knows her would say she's a very kind person and very 'this is the right way' kind of person and that's led us to some arguments over the years.
She is exceptionally overprotective like messages often just to see what everyone is up to and to make sure everyone is safe etc.
We've had problems on and off for years. I've been the real golden child to a degree - straight As, first class degree, great career, don't drink, don't sleep around etc (which I'm not saying makes me a great person just that these are things she holds in high esteem)
I've grown to be a real perfectionist and as I've grown I've got really sad as I feel like she loves me and only validates me for being like this even though she says she loves me unconditionally but then a few instances have happened:
- I had a massive breakdown a few years ago and she basically said it was all to do with an ex, she couldn't accept any role in it even though I very openly spoke about how I felt I grew up too quick (I was way to involved in my mum and dad's marriage, there were a lot of secrets, I had to basically sort a bankruptcy case for my dad when I was 18 etc)
- I started dating a guy I'm now marrying next year a few years back and she spent months trying to break us up (she did successfully break up one of my relationships when i was 16 by saying she would let me join a political thing if I dumped my then BF) because she didn't agree with the fact he had 2 kids from a previous relationship. I'm now marrying that man but before this she used to come in and say to me 'i'm afraid you won't reach your full potential' - what does that even mean??
- When i told her I was moving out when I was 25 she went insane and said she was so disappointed I was shacking up with a married man (my partner who's been divorced for 8 years)
- I had a miscarriage last september and when I told her (she didn't know i was pregnant before the miscarriage) whilst I was actively miscarrying she went mental that I was pregnant in the first place and said I wasn't brought up like that, I have shit morals and that maybe turning away from religion is why I'm like this.
Last saturday we had a bit of a blow up, she was actively bad mouthing my partner again to my aunt even though things had got more tolerable. I've spoken to her about it and she said 'you don't understand it's just because I love you so much' but I don't understand how I feel so hurt and so like she's looking down on me if it's through love?
I've been crying most days since Saturday because we used to be close and I love her so much but I'm so heartbroken that our relationship is like this. Part of me wishes she would just see how I feel or how she's made me feel over the years like a constant pressure cooker to be the best and do things 'right'. I was burnt out by the time I was 22 because I was so constantly on the go trying to be miss perfect and i'm exhausted. I'm so f ing tired of it all. My partner has said to me I'm craving a relationship with my mum that isn't there. She doesn't have the ability to say sorry and even if she does she says 'I'm sorry you feel that way or I'm sorry if i annoyed you but no one will ever love you like i love you and I have those reactions to protect you??'
I'm so confused. I miss her (low contact at the minute) but at the same time I don't have the energy to go through another meaningless long conversation for nothing to change. I don't know what to do.