Does is it get better? 2 young children putting strain on relationship

[freez]

I want some hope really.

Married for under 10 years, 2 young kids. I'm a SAHP until the youngest goes to school. That was my choice.

Youngest wakes up at 4:30 everyday. I don't get them out of the cot until 5am. That's my cut off. Before that I consider it nighttime. But at 5 I go down stairs with them.

If I bring them into our bed they keep everyone awake including a school age child. They don't want to cuddle down back to sleep. They are up and ready to go and usually has done a poo so I couldn't leave them longer.

Everyone is so tired. I go to bed at 9pm so I can get back up early. I resent H. He's tired and snappy. We don't talk about anything. I go to bed. He stays up. I get up early as am an early bird. He stays in bed as is a night owl but still in bed by 11pm.

We just don't seem to have a relationship. We are just two tired adults that live in the same house.

Will it get better?

Yes it will get better. You are in the eye of the storm at the minute.

Have you told your husband how you feel? Does he help at all round the house and with the kids? Do you ever get a break?

I can really sympathise with this, mine isn’t quite as extreme as yours but generally wakes before 530. Like you, I have to go to bed at 9 to get enough sleep in. It does make me a bit grumpy as I don’t feel I get much ‘adult time’ and I’m always tired! DS’ sleep was dreadful from six months through to about eighteen months though, so it’s a trade off as at least he sleeps through now.

Really though you shouldn’t have to get up every day. I get it’s difficult if he’s working, but surely he could do Saturday or Sunday wake-up?

How old is youngest child?

I think I could have written alot of this myself (2 little ones are 5 and 14mths) and I'm sure many others will be able to relate.

I do think it's important to try and make even small slots for yourself and partner though...things like watching 1 TV programme together, or last night DH and I had a quick game of trivial pursuit.Just like with 1-1 time children, even small amounts of time together focusing on the same activity can help you to reconnect.

4.30 wake ups every day sound TOUGH! Can you maybe try changing baby's nap times, pushing her bed time back abit to try and encourage her to sleep in longer?

2 years old. They sleep through but are wide awake at 4:30. They won't watch tv or anything like that

Yes I can't believe I'm moaning as they've only just started sleeping through and not wanting to feed four times a night.

Yes it does get better. Much better.

BUT you have to take the time to look each other in the eye now and again. DH was always v good at thanking me for things and this helped and so I followed suit with him. Maybe try that as a low-effort way of showing you're still his friend.

realised I didn't explain - 'thanks for cooking', 'thanks for emptying the bin' etc.

I think we do need to make small efforts but it all seems so forced.

Effort is a bit forced isn't it, that's sort of the point of it. It becomes second nature to do it after a while but the small connection works every time even now (for me anyway).

I mean, I may be wrong but I suspect at 2 years old there are probably things you can try to make this wake up later. If you’d said 2 months I would have said roll with it, but at 2 years I would try and make changes. What time is bedtime and when and how long do they nap for?

Really agree with @Mardyface that little acts of kindness/gratitude are really important. As for me I'm right with you in the trenches and hoping it does get better. DP and I have days where we're really tight and things feel nice and connected again and weeks where we co-exist, not unhappily, as two independent adults who sit next to each other in front of the telly every night. We are just so knackered. Ours are 5 and 2. In my head it'll get easier when the youngest is at school but I'm possibly kidding myself!

Hi OP. Mine are 5 and 2. I have lots of friends with similar ages and everyone is on thin marital ice! Everyone's exhausted, everyone feels hard done by and thinks their partner is contributing less than they are.

Everyone is resentful and wants more time as a loving couple, instead of just as angry cohabiting adults!

DH and I have been in couple's counselling for a few months - nothing super drastic but just need some space to vent and come back together.

Think of the marriage like it's a car. Counselling is maintaining it - changing the oil, giving it an MOT. You can choose not to do that but it will get expensive quickly!

I have seen couples who decide it's too hard, and split. I personally don't think it's fair on your kids to just give up on your marriage, without first giving it your best shot. Divorce is traumatic for children, plus blows a hole in the family finances.

Better to model to them that you value your (their) family. Once they are both in school and sleeping to a reasonable hour, you can try to get a mini-break away for you and DH to reconnect... I can think of 2 close friends for whom things got better quickly from that point. I'm holding on for that day!

Wish you all the best.

@WoolyMammoth55 divorce is definitely not on the agenda. Don't get me wrong I dream of being alone with the kids but divorce is not where we are at. We couldn't afford it anyway.

I feel reassured that we aren't alone and there's loads of couples in it with us.

@VivaVivaa the kids do go to bed early. We trialled later bedtime by an hour but the morning get ups didn't change and everyone had less sleep.

Nap is over lunch time so awake by 2pm at the absolute latest

Yes you are right the word effort is yelling out forced behaviour isn't it. I laughed when I read your post as it's so obvious but I'm too tired to see anything.

We've also lost our sense of humour with each other.

I had both my children 12 months apart and I always remember my mum saying anybody who tells you that babies bring you closer together are liars 😂. I remember 5 am get ups, very draining. It does get better....... eventually.

amp.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/dec/29/michelle-obama-couldnt-stand-husband-barack-10-years

this might cheer you up OP! You are not alone!

God yeah we've been there (are there?). I won't pretend to have the answers as we're both finding the little kid years bloody tough, but a few things that help us:

1. Saying "wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone else" - it's not DH's fault this is hard, and we're in it together.
2. Saying thanks as above, nice to feel appreciated and good to remind ourselves that the other one is working hard too.
3. Getting out just the two of us. Hard with a SAHP, we do the odd lunch while the DC are at childcare but that won't work for you. A weekly takeaway at home with a movie, devices away maybe?

Do you ever get you time? Like a coffee with a friend or a walk by yourself on weekend. You both are people outside of the marriage and kids and if you put everything into being a spouse and parent then I think it’s very easy to lose yourself and for resentment to build up. Does your DH do stuff with kids when he isn’t working?
We have a 14 month old and another one is arriving next week. (Also have a teen but it’s different parenting a teen) I do appreciate it when my DH comes home wrecked on a Saturday if he has spent a day with the 14 month old. Hearing the words I adore DS but Jesus he is full on makes me feel like we are in this together.

H does a fair bit outside of work
✅ all house and school admin
✅ bins
✅ breakfasts most mornings
✅ story at bedtime
✅ pitches in with the washing regularly
✅ work and studies.

I don't get much if any time without the kids to be honest. Now the youngest is two he has once taken them to visit his parents for the day and I felt like a new woman after that day.

This is the worst age for tiredness because you already have 2 years of tiredness behind you and age 2 is also an age when they have lots of energy, start to need less sleep, but aren't cooperative. It will get better, and probably soon (6 months to a year). However if he/she routinely wakes at 4:30 am then I would try waking up earlier than him/her once or twice, go into his/her room, and see if you can find a trigger that is leading to such early wakings. It could be that's when birds start singing, or a garbage truck makes a loud beep beep outside his/her window, or a neighbor starts playing the radio very loud. My oldest would wake up on the dot 6:40 am every day and one day I realised it was because that was the time my husband left the house and would bang the front door shut behind him. He had to learn to close the front door very very gently.