Is leaving the only option?

[PickleConfused]

I’m at a bit of an impasse with my DH and don’t know if leaving is the only option I have left.

FIL lives with us and while it seemed like an agreeable option at the time, it has become more difficult for me over time. It’s like having a grumpy teenager in the house who doesn’t clean up after himself and expects us to do everything for him, while making no contribution or effort to help because he is always ‘unwell’ (mental health issues). Unfortunately it’s having a negative impact on my mental health (long standing anxiety and depression).

I stupidly thought I would be able support him with his mental health as I could relate. However he has no desire to help himself and only drags me down further.

I’ve told DH on numerous occasions that I can’t live with FIL any longer but DH is unwilling to do anything about it. I’ve even suggested we convert FIL’s area of the house into a self contained unit but he’s reluctant to do that as it would be ‘shutting him away’.

There are no other issues in my relationship with DH but his refusal to budge on this has left me wondering if leaving is the only option?

we have two DCs in school and I know it would turn their lives upside down. But my mental health is worsening and I feel this may be the only thing to save my sanity.

please be gentle. I’m a mess right now.

Any chance of shutting yourself away / getting a she shed / taking a break somewhere else? Leaving the kids with DH and going off for a regular morning or afternoon out?

A break from the ‘drag’ sounds important; upending your life and your children’s totally over two obstinate men may not be essential in the short term.

Making the clean up DH’s task with FIL is also going to help you.

Thank you for replying. Even when I do take some time out or promises are made to change/do more, it always reverts back within a day or two. I feel trapped in a constant cycle where nothing really changes and the frustration is driving me mad.

I’d leave. You need to protect yourself. Leave them to their miserable Steptoe and Son existence.

I agree.

You need to prioritize your needs.

It seems a shame to throw it away if it’s a good relationship otherwise.
It must be hard for your DH also, he’s just trying to do right by his DF and could risk losing his family in the process.
I looked after my grandmother whilst juggling a child and work and it was massively draining; mentally, physically and emotionally. But each time I had a bad day I kept reminding myself that one day she wouldn’t be here and I just had to push through. Now she’s gone I am so glad that I stuck it out and was there for her, and had that extra time with her. Your DH is likely feeling some of this.

For sure your DH does need to step up and help out more. Some sort of rota system or assigned jobs that are his responsibility to share the burden. Surely he can see it’s better he works with you on this than lose you & his kids and try caring for his DF all on his own!
Are you able to get some support, get FIL out to social groups/events/daycare to give you a break?
Could you and DH go to counselling to try and find a solution/coping strategies to help you both with the situation?

FIL refuses to socialise and for some reason he looks down on any form of social clubs. He only leaves the house to go to the shop and the rest of the time he is sat in front of the tv.

DH doesn’t see the issue with his DF’s actions and thinks I need to find ways of coping with it.

Can you and DCs go to your parents house for a few days ? Dh might realize what you are going though once he has to deal with this himself probably.

Is FIL going to be permanently with you both or is there any alternate arrangements that could be made ?

How old is FIL? Is your dh an only child as interested in why it falls to him only.

Does your dh know you feel so strongly that you would end the marriage? Surely he would consider compromises before this happens. A separate annex seems sensible.

Do you work at home?

I feel for you OP, it must be hard if he will barely even leave the house.
Seems like the only options are to do the rota (drawn up & on the wall) with your DH so the workload is fairly distributed and ensure that within it there’s a day a week where he takes his dad out for a couple of hours to give you some space, whether it be an activity they can enjoy or just doing the weekly shop.

If DH still doesn’t pull his weight then try the “granny flat” but hype it up that it’s for him to have his own space so the kids aren’t annoying him (or whatever reason would sound best in the situation). And have it where you have “family time” with him so he doesn’t feel shut out

And yes you do need to find a way to cope
with him being there but that doesn’t mean your DH doesn’t have a responsibility to support you and try to make things a little easier. It’s his dad and you’re his wife.
Ask him to think how he would feel if it was your mum/dad living with you (though granted the impact wouldn’t be the same as you’d have to do most of the looking after)

@Cupofteaforall My parents have both passed away unfortunately so we can’t stay with anyone for a few days. Another reason why we agreed to this situation as I won’t have any elderly parents to take care of myself.

@Livinghappy FIL is 75 so not elderly. My 93 grandmother is more active than he is. DH has a brother but him and his wife have made it clear they won’t help. I sometimes work from home but do try to be in the office as much as possible so I’m away from him.

@Moredrama I think I’ll try for the ‘granny flat’ idea again. I think it’s the only way this can work.

Looking forward op. Your dh is happy with fil this way. I see you living with 2 similar men..
See more for yourself op. And your dc.

Seeing as your DH has a brother why can’t FIL go and stay there at weekends, or even just 1 weekend per month to give you a break?!
I hate when people refuse to chip in and do their bit when they know they should - these are the very people who expect equal inheritance with no regard for the sacrifices others have had to make. But that’s another thread entirely!

I think older men do tend to be less active and sociable than women. Definitely try to get DH to take him out once a week even if just for a couple of hours

The granny flat idea seems best.

If you're seriously thinking of leaving, consider the option of making that clear to your DH. He may be thinking this is a minor difficulty which you're dealing with. Make it clear that you are at the point of considering leaving him, and you cannot continue like this?

@PickleConfused I am sorry bout your parents passing.

Will ur dh be open to having a nearby accomodation for FIL?That way you guys will be near and you will still get your privacy. I can understand how hard this must be for you op. X

doesn’t clean up after himself and expects us to do everything for him
Is it us, or is it you, @PickleConfused ?

I agree with PP, you need to be clear that you will leave if some kind of change is not made. It's your house too, and I wonder what it's like for your DC having to live with FIL?

A granny flat sounds like a possible solution, except FIL isn't going to clean anything up in there either? So who will end up doing that?

It’s so obvious now that someone has pointed it out - how much DH is like is father and that’s why he doesn’t see a problem. I feel daft for not realising it sooner.

And if you don’t like the FIL, that’s what DH is going to be like when he gets to that age…? So that’s your future?

Thanks everyone for taking time to reply and offer advice. It’s given me a new perspective on things and I don’t feel quite so hopeless now.