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Original poster

Anxiety in a relationship

11 replies

Livelifelaughter · 26/01/2023 09:05

My bf and I have been dating 6 months and we are in our mid 50s. I adore him but I feel really anxious in our relationship. I would say he is quite closed whereas I am quite open and will rabbit on about everything. We see each other about two evenings a week and one day at the weekend with him staying over each time and we will have a coffee out together. He definitely needs more time to himself then I do. I have met some friends but not many although to be fair he tends to see his friends on weekends away as most of his close friends live abroad. He is always very attentive and kind to me when we are together and we talk every day. But I suppose I would like to see him more and get more lovey dovey messages rather than interesting news pieces sent to me....I think that's just how he is although he was completely soppy at first, but it makes me feel uncertain in our relationship. I have lots of friends and things to do but being honest would want to spend more time with him am I asking for too much ? I wouldn't want to lose him...

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 26/01/2023 13:08

It's not about asking for too much. It sounds like what you want and need in a relationship is NOT what he wants and needs in a relationship. You want to be spending more time together, be in more regular contact etc. He wants to see you more casually, enjoy your time together and then get on with your lives apart from each other the rest of the time.

So I don't think either of you are wrong but possibly not compatible.

If you do want to spend more time together, one way to see how he feels is to suggest it. If you usually see him twice a week, suggest an activity on an additional day and see what happens.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/01/2023 13:27

Thank you! I do wish I could be a bit more relaxed tbh. I think you're right about our relationship styles but we do talk about things that matter. Trouble is that I really adore him and that makes it hard...I have dated lots but he's the only person I have really wanted to be with in many years...

OP posts:
MintJulia · 26/01/2023 13:27

If he is mid-50s, what else does he have in his life?

Does he have a heavyweight job? A long commute? Children? Regular sport? Travel? What does he do when you aren't around? Do you work the same hours?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/01/2023 13:36

Many times we get attached to people who have a different style to us

and people never change , my ex didn’t !

the problem is you really like him and don’t want to lose him , understand that BUT

but you either accept him or you will get more and more and more anxious as in a basic level what’s he offering isn’t enough for you

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/01/2023 13:37

MintJulia · 26/01/2023 13:27

If he is mid-50s, what else does he have in his life?

Does he have a heavyweight job? A long commute? Children? Regular sport? Travel? What does he do when you aren't around? Do you work the same hours?

He doesn't seem to have much on in the evenings. Grown up children. He has a demanding job but not long hours. Most of his friends live abroad so he goes away to see them at weekends, but can go months without seeing them and then be off 3 weekends in a row..

OP posts:
Idontknowhatnametochoose · 26/01/2023 13:44

Is he an introvert? Me and dp are both introverts and see each other twice a week. I have to admit I wish he wasn't so closed down sometimes as I'm more open as a rule but we both need our own space and time apart.

If you need more time with him, let him know. I don't think you should write this relationship off by any means but try and communicate about it and see if any sort of compromise is possible. I'm still trying to navigate things with my dp as hes less emotionally forthcoming than I am. Your dp may be willing to accommodate your needs more but if he's an introvert and you're not it might come down to not being able to tolerate more just yet.

Rockingchai · 26/01/2023 14:05

I feel for you as I had similar at 6m in. Now 14 months in. Both around 50 years old. Both 2-3 years out of full-on long relationships. I live with 10 year old son and do not want to live with anyone until he has grown up so part-time suits me. Part time suits him as he has a really busy social life and no desire to live with a partner again for many years.

However I felt very insecure around 6m in as I wanted him to miss me more, to want to see me more - even though my reality was that seeing him more wouldn’t have worked with my son. I have since accepted that this is how he is, I do feel he loves me and I trust him and not all valuable and long term relationships can be “on the escalator” to ever more entwined lives.

it’s different for you though as you would want and be able to have something full time.

it’s so hard starting again at our age I think! Everything goes back to the drawing board as our lives are so different from our 20s and 30s.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/01/2023 14:30

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/01/2023 13:36

Many times we get attached to people who have a different style to us

and people never change , my ex didn’t !

the problem is you really like him and don’t want to lose him , understand that BUT

but you either accept him or you will get more and more and more anxious as in a basic level what’s he offering isn’t enough for you

Thank you. I think I have an anxious attachment style.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/01/2023 14:36

Rockingchai · 26/01/2023 14:05

I feel for you as I had similar at 6m in. Now 14 months in. Both around 50 years old. Both 2-3 years out of full-on long relationships. I live with 10 year old son and do not want to live with anyone until he has grown up so part-time suits me. Part time suits him as he has a really busy social life and no desire to live with a partner again for many years.

However I felt very insecure around 6m in as I wanted him to miss me more, to want to see me more - even though my reality was that seeing him more wouldn’t have worked with my son. I have since accepted that this is how he is, I do feel he loves me and I trust him and not all valuable and long term relationships can be “on the escalator” to ever more entwined lives.

it’s different for you though as you would want and be able to have something full time.

it’s so hard starting again at our age I think! Everything goes back to the drawing board as our lives are so different from our 20s and 30s.

Thank you. It is different when you're in your 50s, it's much easier when you are 30 to ditch something that doesn't suit in all aspects. But when you're 50 plus a decent kind man that you can talk to and who protects you isn't easy to find and having spent many years alone I like being in a relationship even though it has some flaws. I agree there isn't an escalator moving up, I don't want to marry again and wouldn't want to live with him in the short term but I would like to hope that we become a "We" rather than singular people together.

OP posts:
Rockingchai · 26/01/2023 18:03

Yes I was thinking today - in general I still feel single after 14 months. We are exclusive and spend a lot of effort arranging time together, but I’m still on my own 90% of the time. I’d like to move towards a “we” too.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 26/01/2023 21:31

Rockingchai · 26/01/2023 18:03

Yes I was thinking today - in general I still feel single after 14 months. We are exclusive and spend a lot of effort arranging time together, but I’m still on my own 90% of the time. I’d like to move towards a “we” too.

Well, I think that it can work but it's knowing how to understand each others needs and not be offended. Ultimately I am with someone who I love being and I would rather have that than someone who is with me far more but I am really quite ambivalent towards. It's really much harder at our age

OP posts:
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