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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I keep biting my tongue with Mil

7 replies

LEMONADEGIRL · 06/02/2008 14:43

Mil have never been close. I feel that I have tried to instigate a relation with her asking for her advice, ringing for a little chat, visting her on my own when on mat leave etc.

However the problem is that she snipes at me sometimes in front of people and mostly when dh is out of ear shot.

Comments such as you know what she is like, you know she is wierd. When I do something that she thinks is odd for example making stuffing into balls rather then flat in a dish she pulls this wricnkled face as though it the most stupid idea ever.

Now I know that some of you think why would I get my knickers in atwist about her giving a feck about my stuffing but the point is it is just one of many things she does to me to make feel stupid or strange and generally make me feel undermined.

I try hard, invites to dinners that are never reciprocated. I am fed up with her, I have never once answered her back because of dh and not wanting to create an argument but feel the time is comming when I will explode with all this resentment.

So should I keep biting my tongue or start answering her back.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 06/02/2008 14:46

withdraw from the relationship a bit - stop inviting her for dinner etc

The problem in many relationships comes when we expect people to behave in a certain way and when they don't we get upset (i speak from exprience with my ILs)

she is making no effort, and you are clearly upset

does your DH know how you feel?

Tortington · 06/02/2008 14:49

i think you should completely disengage - dont bother - dont try - dont meet- dont cook for- dont buy do- dont do birthdays - dont do any more.

horrible people are horrible people

fuck em

LEMONADEGIRL · 06/02/2008 15:13

have tried to speak to dh but gets bit uptight about it. He like me does things to please her.

I know I should think feck em, but I try for dh who always seems to want their approval.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 06/02/2008 15:15

it is fine for your DH to want their approval - that is his issue and it is also his mother

It is clearly making you unhappy so pull back and let him do what he needs/wants to do

SarahZ · 23/02/2008 22:25

You might find this book useful - Toxic In-Laws. It talks a lot about ILs trying to undermine their DILs, but I really liked the part about the DH's role in all of it and how they just get stuck.

Still, I also have withdrawn from ILs myself as that was the best solution and life is much better.

tigerlily1980 · 23/02/2008 23:22

I also have the same problem with my MIL, it sounds as if you are talking about the same person!!

For 2 years I bit my tongue and said nothing to anybody, but then one day I went mad at my partner who empathised but explained that his mum was like that. So, no help there then.

I have noticed that she is also like it to the other two daughter in laws and I have seeked solace in them. Having this support network has enabled me to vent my frustrations and we have also had a laugh, and realised that MIL would rather look stupid than agree with us, something that can be used to advantage.

Over the last few years I have not said anything to her angrily, but have made a few digs back in a nice, pleasant way. I have always done this infront of an audience so she has been the person who looks stupid.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 23/02/2008 23:44

I think the advice of drawing back and stopping caring so much is good. I made the mistake of trying to treat my mil the same as I would my own mother (buying nice thought out age appropriate presents for her and wrapping them up prettily, taking her flowers when we visited, thanking her after eating her food, offering to help her bring washing in or whatever) and she would just either blank me, look at me like I was weird, or just generally be rude and ungrateful.

But that's what she is used to, she seems to have a rather thankless menial life lookin after her grown up daughter but seems to take great pride in it and doesn't accept help. She doesn't thank you for nice presents, and would prefer a scalectrix set to a nice book, plant or pampering gift. Different strokes for different folks!! I've now stopped trying to please or impress her, I do my own thing whether she likes it or not, and I've stopped phoning/taking flowers/being particularly thoughtful or helpful/trying to talk to her (barring to the point chat about my baby)

I expect nothing from her, and she now gets nothing from me, and we get along SOOO much better!

Back off, and if she still snipes at you in front of people, confront her there and then.

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