Workplace Affair

[Dixie2366]

DH has had a workplace affair with a married woman for the best part of two years.
He has left my and the children and although progressing that they are are not together, I don’t believe him. I have found messages where they are scoffing at mine and the children's naivety and how quickly I wash her shirts unknowingly after their liaisons.
Talk me down Mumsnet; I feel so betrayed.

[JayniSummers]

You poor poor thing . What a catch they both have in each other. Please believe it when I say , this is NOT on you , this is two awful , dishonest twunts who deserve each other. Get some legal advice ASAP X

[Crazypaving22]

I’m so sorry.

I can’t recommend surviving infidelity enough. Their just found out forum is the perfect place for you to get ongoing empathic, wise support. Please head there, I found it invaluable when I was first pushed off on this roller coaster.

Also take a look at the chump lady site and get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheat gain a life’.

Your children and you deserve better. This nasty pair honestly could not be better suited. You are worth so much more.

I know you’re in dreadful pain and probably raging now but I promise it does get better.

[Maze76]

Give him nothing but your silence. If you have to discuss anything make sure it’s in writing.
You have had a shock and I’m afraid more will come- you will no longer recognise the man he has become.
What he has done/ is doing is not a reflection on you, you have done NOTHING wrong.
But.. he WILL try to lay the blame for HIS behaviour at your feet- take no notice, it seems to be part of the ‘script’.
I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will get through this and you will be stronger on the other side.
Try to eat, confide in one person in real life and use MN to vent and for advice.
You will get through this

[Dixie2366]

Thanks everyone. I honestly do not recognise this man. They’re saying they’ve only kissed and that she thought about me and my children every day of the affair. She has young children too. It is complete lunacy 😔

[drivingavanbacknorth]

What do you mean about washing her shirts @Dixie2366 ?
How terrible that a person would scoff at your children's innocence.

[Dixie2366]

Making lewd jokes about me washing his shirts after their liaisons and did I not notice the stains etc.

[ricepuddin]

Oh gosh, poor you. The two of them sound like they deserve each other. Having an affair is awful enough on its own, but both laughing about how they're actively demeaning someone else? That's not even human in my book.

Please make a copy of those texts. The law may be different in the UK so someone else can advise but where I'm from, all of this can be used as proof when pressing for your legal/financial rights after divorce.

[drivingavanbacknorth]

@Dixie2366

Making lewd jokes about me washing his shirts after their liaisons and did I not notice the stains etc.

I see.

That is incredibly unkind.

You washed his shirts for him because you care. Don't let unkind words change you. The pair of them sound like they lack self esteem and use these attacks against you to make themselves feel better. You're above that.

On a practical note, how many of us who trust our partners ever examine their washing anyway? It simply doesn't happen!

[bonzaitree]

I assume you’re leaving him.

Do you have a plan for that?

[MsDogLady]

… she thought of me and my children every day of the affair.

Well she can save the lies and fake empathy. These two mean-spirited, morally bankrupt cheats were actually mocking you and laughing about your handling the stained garments. They are truly the lowest of the low.

Dixie, my heart goes out to you. Do you have a strong support system?

In your shoes, I would visit a solicitor asap to learn my options re divorcing.

[MelloYellow]

You need to make a plan lo LTB

And if I could give you some advice in regards to them ,ignore her - she’s a vile slag who doesn’t deserve your airtime.
And with him be calm ,clinical and together,make sure he can’t read your next move or emotions,it will rock him.
Good luck darling x

[cleanbreak2022]

Many of us know the path you are about to walk. Many of us recall the day we discovered our life partners betrayal. The journey you are on will change you. Not necessarily for the worst so please try not be be afraid. You have had a terrible shock. The joviality they display at your trusting is abhorrent.

The best quote I have read on here, as part of my journey is

'When someone shows you who they are, look'.

Those messages show who they are, and your actions now, will show who you are.

Now is the time to be kind to yourself, self care is going to be key to building up the strength and resilience you are going to need to embark on this journey. For now, concentrate on basics. Food, rest and kindness to yourself. Have a select few friends and/or family you can lean on and when you need to, you can trust they will be there. A support network is invaluable. Your mind will be in a tailspin, it's normal. Lots of posters here will have practical advice. Listen to it, list their 'to do' list. Sadly, it comes from experience.

All the posters will walk this journey (virtually) with you and I certainly found these boards tremendously supportive.

I'm so very sorry you have two snakes in the grass to deal with. But deal with them you must, for your own well-being. This is no longer about him or them, this is for you and your children

[Dixie2366]

Thanks everyone. It’s such a dark place / DH has blocked me and demanding to see the children nearly every night. Although I miss them, I am mentally exhausted too. He doesn’t want a family anymore and wants to be freer he said.

[KettrickenSmiled]

Seconding PP's recommendation of ChumpLady.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Have a browse of her archives for wisdom, support, solid advice & amazingly funny & accurate snark.

I am so sorry you saw that spectacularly cruel text.
I'd be tempted to forward it to his mother, especially as the bastard's had the temerity to block you ... but that might be counter-productive

I can;t believe the cheek of him, demanding you facilitate him seeing the DC every night, while he's put you on block.

[dontlookdown788322]

Of course they had sex over an affair spanning two years. He’s taking the piss out of you to still deny it op. It’s what they all say when caught. Grieve you marriage, cry, be angry but do not, under any circumstances, beg him him to come back. The marriage is dead. Your children are watching, don’t show them this is an acceptable way to treat others or be treated. Take back control and hand this rat a bag of clothes and divorce papers.