Going out

[Whyiseverythingsocomplicated]

I find social situations difficult but always make an effort to go out with girly friends even when it worries me. What would you do if one of them made you feel uncomfortable? I have been invited to another do of which said lady is a close friend to the organiser (who knows I find her difficult). I am worried about saying no because I am a "people pleaser" but this time I just want to say No!

Just say no then.

I know it sounds hard but ultimately it's your life and you don't want to waste it pleasing other people at your expense.

I just worry people won't be friends with me if I don't go. Stupid really.

Just say no. Please yourself, not others.

Thank you both - much appreciated.

What would happen to you if these people did decide not to be friends with you? What is it you're worried about?

You are responsible for making yourself happy. That means that you need to do things that make you happy, and not do things that make you unhappy, unless you absolutely can't avoid it. If this situation makes you unhappy, and you aim to be happy, why would you involve yourself? Surely you want better friends than those who would dump you for missing one event?

It depends on whether you actually want to go to this thing with these people and it's this one individual stopping you. If that is the case, then I think it can be better in the long term to go and find ways of managing her impact on you, either by challenging her or ignoring her. It's not good to exclude yourself from fun things with otherwise nice people because of one exception.
However, if you don't want to go anyway, then you shouldn't feel obliged.

@Watchkeys always felt this way about trying to please people tbh. I have spent my whole life pleasing others without actually enjoying 90% of what I do myself! My biggest mistake is saying that I am hesitant because of X,Y or Z and then getting talked into it anyway and dreading the event!. The person who I don't want to go with is very opinionated, domineering and a gossip. I just don't enjoy being out with her. She makes me feel incredibly anxious.

OK. Imagine that there's someone that 'person a' has to consult before she can do what she wants. With everything. What to watch on TV, what to eat, whether to drop that bit of litter or wait for a bin, whether to go and do a wee just now. Everything. And every time she asks them, they say to her, 'Well, that's what you want to do. But actually, what you have to do is what this/that other person wants you to do, so fuck the fact that you need a wee, mate, you're going to have to wait, ok?'

How would 'person a' feel, in general, in life? What sort of moods would you expect her to have? How would you expect her to approach every day decisions?

@Watchkeys Worn out I should imagine?

What else? Can you do a list of words to describe the feelings of 'person a'? Would you expect her to feel confident in herself? Outgoing? Open about her feelings? Strong in relationships, romantic and otherwise? Ambitious? Satisfied? What do you think?

I would say the person is introverted, anxious, no confidence, lack of self-esteem. people pleaser. Rather like me I think! Not 100% sure of the answer tbh but I think I see where you are coming from? Person A is just a follower, always around but never a leader?

You are person a.

You are also the person who is criticising person a.

You criticise yourself and you're making your life feel like a horrible anxious mess.

Listen to the things your feelings tell you. You don't want to go. So respect that. You don't feel good around that person. So don't be around her.

You are responsible for your feelings, and it's an active role, like being responsible for a child. Person a says something, and you have to respond kindly, not dismissively. You have to actively take care of person a, not just continue to put her in situations she hates, and then expecting her to feel ok about it. She is never going to be ok about you dismissing her feelings. She will always feel anxious and shitty if, every time she feels something, you say to her, 'Forget it, mate. You're going to have to suck it up.'

If you want this part of you that feels anxious and shitty to go away, then listen to her and respect her. Everybody feels anxious and shitty when their needs and wants are consistently dismissed.