How do I stop snapping at DH all the time?

[feelingsad1212]

Bit of background - together for 6 years, married for 4.

We have one DD who is 18 months and I'm pregnant again (21 weeks)

I don't know when it started happening but in the last year or two (maybe since I got pregnant the first time) I find DH and me to constantly be snapping and aggressive with each other.

I feel like he starts it, by being blunt with me or raising his voice - and then I respond with being defensive and snappy back, but he claims its all me. That he says things in a normal way, I take them wrong and am too over sensitive and that im the one snapping at him.

It's got to the point where after a bickering incident he either just leaves or comes home and gives me the semi-silent treatment, saying, "I don't want to talk to you as I'll annoy you again" - and then this leads to me feeling like the most terrible person in the world, crying lots and eventually we make up.

I know that my dad is exsctly this way, and is notoriously moody - and DH says that I'm like him and this is my personality - but I don't know why he married me if he's always thought that.

I've suggested we have some counselling, he just says "I don't know" and I've once or twice asked if he doesn't love me anymore and he says he still does.

We have kids, a mortgage, pets etc so I feel like he's just tolerating me because unravelling our lives would be such hard work. I feel constantly sad and anxious and don't know the way forward.

Its not you, its him.

It sounds like you've gone onto marry a man similar to your dad and in addition your H is projecting onto you. He seems to be manufacturing some facetious argument then turns it around onto you and makes you feel responsible. Read also about DARVO because that could also ring true here.

If you go into counselling I would go on my own. Joint counselling where there is abuse of any type (and silent treatment itself is an example of emotional abuse) within the relationship is not recommended. Am therefore not all that surprised by his response to counselling. He does not treat other people in the outside world or his work colleagues like this does he?.

I would consider contacting Womens Aid.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Do not stay in such a marriage merely because of the children, pets etc because this is really no relationship model to be showing them. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Maybe it's both of you?
I don't know how you can change the dynamic, but it's not sustainable if you don't.
You can only control your own behavior, and your own reactions to him.
I have been snappy with DH in the past, I recognized this and do my best to not snap, it's working really well, but occasionally I slip and he just calmly tells me I've said something in x tone, he is usually right and I can apologise and we move on, him pointing it out has helped me see the way I can come across, and life is much calmer now!
It depends how open you both want to be, and of course it only works if your both on the same page and willing to admit fault, if it's just you willing to do the work then it becomes one sided very quickly and things will get even worse.

I've suggested we have some counselling, he just says "I don't know"
Slippery behaviour that makes me think along the same lines as AttilaTheMeerkat - that he's found a wife who's been trained by her dad to tiptoe around bad behaviour rather than calling it out.
With your dad, you were a child and could do nothing about it: you couldn't stand up to it (as he had ultimate authority) and you couldn't leave.

He's manipulating the hell out of your emotions, and you're wondering why you can't make yourself feel better.

Don't you want to scream?

He's playing the victim for personal benefit.

She quite clearly says it’s both of them, so taking her at her word it probably is. Him bring a man doesn’t automatically make him solely responsible for their poor communication.

OP, press for counselling. You’ve got plenty to fight for and need to both get better at talking to each other in a decent way. Neither of you sounds happy and you’ve got two children to consider and the relationship you show them. Counselling will be cheaper than divorce.

Thanks everyone, @AnneLovesGilbert is right - I don't think I can possibly entirely blame DH for this as I know that I also play a large part in our issues.

I think pushing for counselling, even by myself, might be the best option. I feel like I need some objectivity and also owe it to myself and my relationship to work this out before we have two children together.

'I think pushing for counselling, even by myself, might be the best option'

Very good idea. It's so hard to unravel these entrenched behaviours by yourself. Having professional support will be invaluable in learning to understand yourself better

It's probably both of you to be honest and yes you should go for counselling.

Maybe have a chat with him and start saying something like - let's not turn this into a row but at the moment you aren't liking the way I'm talking to you, I'm not liking the way you are talking to me and we are getting wound into a cycle of being annoyed and angry with each other. We can't keep doing this. But I don't have the skills or emotional energy to fix this. We need help. Explain to me why you don't want to try counselling or what is your suggestion for us getting help.

I feel like he starts it, by being blunt with me or raising his voice - and then I respond with being defensive and snappy back, but he claims its all me. That he says things in a normal way, I take them wrong and am too over sensitive and that im the one snapping at him.

This sounds like classic gaslighting and manipulation if it's true, and not just your perception.

Can you give an example? Not just of what and how things were said, but the context becuase I suspect he's purposefully creating arguments in order to distract from something else or get his own way. eg he doesn't want to make dinner so creates an argument then storms off. Or he does want to go to the pub so creates an argument and storms off. Or doesn't want to do bath and bedtime so creates an argument and storms off.

Do counselling. Initially on your own and then together. It sounds learned behaviour on your part so can be unlearned. Anxiety is also playing a roll

Role

Not on that he is making it out to be all your fault!

But when we go through a period of interrupted sleep (basically since DS arrived 19 months ago), unless we pay attention to it, we bicker too. We have to focus on showing kindness and understanding over day to day niggles.

Are you both sleeping well?

The majority of these posts are giving horrific advice!

It is possible for a woman to be the culprit!

Op I was like this after having a baby, for a year I just snapped constantly, I genuinely thought he was just a crap human, rubbish dad and clueless. My mum pulled me up once about how I was just being so mean to him, I defended myself and justified my behaviour.

I was overwhelmed with parenting, thought he should be doing more, couldn’t understand why he wasn’t (he was, just not good enough in my eyes).

After around a year of this my husband told me similar to what yours is saying, I went to individual therapy and turns out (I’m paraphrasing), I had turned very controlling and my husband was reacting to me and not the other way around. It took months to sort out. This was 18 months ago and we are in the best place relationship wise now.

I posted on Reddit one day (spurred me to get some therapy), I genuinely thought people would be on my side after explaining, but it was a real eye opener. Maybe post on there, you may get a more well rounded set of advice- mumsnet is very ‘womens solidarity’, men are vile ect.

I actually cringe when I think about how I treated him and I’m and I’m very apologetic. Im glad he gave me a chance to repair things.

It is possible for a woman to be the culprit

Relationships aren't about looking for a 'culprit' when things go wrong, though. Even if OP is the one at fault, the way he's dealing with it is crappy.

That he says things in a normal way, I take them wrong and am too over sensitive and that im the one snapping at him

There's no such thing as 'over-sensitive', because there are no rules about how sensitive we 'should' be. If he's telling her this, he's basically saying 'You're too sensitive for my liking', which is a very selfish response. It's basically 'You're hurt by what I said? That's your problem, love, I didn't do anything wrong.' Whilst he might be 'right', he's not being loving. He's not actually giving a shit about OP's feelings.

Many people run their relationships by trying to figure out who the 'culprit' is when things go wrong. It's not healthy, though. The word relationship indicates that were meant to be relating to each other, not playing ego tennis and covering our asses when our partners are upset with us.

The majority of these posts are giving horrific advice

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

OP I commend you on owning your shit and feel quite weirded out that people who don't know you or your husband at all are trying to tell you you're free from any wrongdoing and it's all him

quelle surprise for Mumsnet

Do you still love him?

It is him OP.