How do you navigate conflict in your family?

[Rosietealight]

If you have a close and loving family (I’m talking extended family so siblings, parents etc) how do you navigate conflict when problems arise?

I used to be close with my family but several very difficult situations over the last decade and lots of stress has made everyone angry, bitter and resentful. Now we don’t speak. It does make me sad.

friends I see with close families must have better mechanisms to deal with this - however, I also think that some of it has come down to not having to deal with such excessively upsetting stressful issues and so it makes it easier to maintain and cultivate good relationships.

others appear to have good relationships but it’s because they cannot have open honest conversations so underneath the surface there are tensions and problematic things simmering.

but there must be some families that can deal with hugely stressful events without allowing it to fragment them - if that’s your family, how do you do it?

I think I have to make my peace that the bonds with my family are well and truly broken.

Bump please

I think you aren’t getting responses because your post is so vague. Explain what actually happened and you will get some advice.

Such an interesting question OP, no answers here but hoping you’ll get more responses. Similarly in my family, stressful events have exposed an underlying lack of good communication skills and and it feels like the family we once were is gone (although we still speak). I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through it sounds very hard and lonely

My in laws give silent treatment and deal with things unnaturally and toxically so I know how you feel.

My family we go and calm off for a day and sit down like adults and talk things through. We don't leave it to fester for months. That's the key.

My in laws make me quite angry as I don't understand why they can't talk things through either. I understand your frustration op:

I think this is it - lack of good communication skills.

it feels in my family, an argument over something results in slights from ten years ago being re hashed and people saying incredibly nasty things, escalated into shouting and then just silence. Or people talk around an issue and deflect.

I know this is not normal. I can also see there is underlying resentment lacing all of this.

it is like we have all forgotten how to communicate normally. I have tried distancing or modelling better behaviour but it hasn’t really worked other than it results it me getting shouted at.

it is lonely and I’m just pondering how others do it. At the moment I feel very resigned to a no contact relationship with my family which has been in place for two years.

Well I have been brought up to realise that you have one family and you don't get to choose them.
It helps that they are all very loving and caring too.
I would probably be more tolerant of their foibles than of other people's who don't mean as much to me.
Life throws curved balls at everyone sometimes OP. We only have the power to chose how we personally react to them.

What usually happens is I put my foot down when my mother is overstepping, she goes home in a huff and sulks about it, then she thinks about it and we talk and get on with it. We don't hold back grievances, put it that way. This means we clear them. I don't think this is the healthiest approach but we do work it out. We are very close. Conflict is rare. Maybe five incidents like this in 30 years.

I would prefer it if my mother took hints and gentle 'no' but I do have to be firm, which sets off the sulk when I won't back down. Like the time she invited her cousin to my birth. Hell no.

Look up assertive communication- it sounds like you have passive and aggressive communication styles in your family (as I do in mine!). Assertive communication is all about how to express your feelings and needs while respecting others.