Looking for guidance...relationship resentment

[AnotherGrilledCheese]

I'm wondering if any of you have gone through a similar situation or can talk some sense into me. I'm in my mid-30s, with my partner for 4 years. He's funny, romantic, kind and makes me laugh like no other. But we are also very different, especially around his drive and life expectations. He's always been this way but I seem to be getting more frustrated at him recently, so I don't know if I've changed.

I have a great career and am very ambitious. My partner is happy with where his life is, thinks it could be better but isn't interested to put more work in. When I started a side business that made my income twice his, he said he wished he had a side business...and then didn't do anything more. When we've both had a long day at work, he just wants to watch movies and I'm left to take care of the cleaning, building my rental property (my 3rd side business), researching investments, etc. I feel tired from juggling a lot. He asks how he can help, but says he doesn't take the lead because I'm a perfectionist, so if he helps me with laundry, I'll just tell him he used the wrong detergent. If he helps me call the plumber, I'll just tell him he asked the wrong questions that led to a higher bid. I admit I'm a perfectionist and like things done correctly, but I can't help feeling annoyed that he doesn't know what's correct.

I feel ridiculous for complaining about this, because sometimes I think he's simply able to enjoy the present and accept mistakes, and I'm focused on the future and perfection. Are we too different? How do we make it work?

This has become a bigger weight on my mind recently as we're talking about kids and who would get up when the baby cries when we're sleeping. He insisted that workload should be 50/50. It sounds fair, but I couldn't help feeling resentful of him for not "wanting" or offering to let me sleep more since I pull my weight in other ways. Anyone else had a partner you felt wasn't pulling their weight before kids? How did it improve / not improve after kids?

[Watchkeys]

You make it sound like you are right and he is wrong. You're not and he isn't. You're just different

Yes, @GreyCarpet , well said. He is who he is, and just as he's meant to be. If you don't like it, you leave. You certainly don't have a baby with him.

[Chrimbob]

If he thinks making lunch and housework is your work, he will also think that raising children is your work.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

having him pull his weight round the house is completely fair. Expecting him to spend his free time building an empire- unreasonable. You sound extremely intense OP

[TedMullins]

Having three businesses is not “normal” - downtime is important. He has a job and presumably contributes equally to household expenses, there’s no moral superiority in being busy all the time and never having any downtime. Maybe he wishes you’d reign it in and relax a bit more. The lunch thing/him doing enough chores is a separate issue, but ultimately it does sound like you’re incompatible. I couldn’t stand being made to feel I should be busy all the time and monetising everything I do.

[PrincessConstance]

You sound like me with 2 jobs. One a career, another side business income driver. I work 7 days a week. Dp has his business, he's chill about everything.
No issue in the home he takes care of all that, and he handles his children.
Dp is conscientious but happy with his lot.
We're currently at crossroads, or should I say I'm at crossroads looking to the future. Are we compatible, I don't know. I know I irritate him with my perfectionism and demands. It tires him out.
Interesting op.

[CPL593H]

It isn't about a "right" or "wrong" approach to life but it doesn't sound as if you are compatible and are thus likely to make any children you have miserable. Constant friction between parents because of vastly differing wants and priorities is not a fun environment to be raised in (believe me)

[Discontinued]

Speaking as a man who lacks ambition, 😆

I work in the NHS and have settled for a low income job with little chance of career progression, but it is my life, I love what I do!

No one is to blame in these situations, I think clear communication is the best policy. Trying to fix, or alter someone is not healthy for both parties, as they say in those 12 step programme's " I have no power over others", or something like that!

The only question I would ask the OP is are you happy, living what sounds like such a demanding life? What is driving your ambition, if you really love what you do. Then by all means continue, but if its for financial, societal or peer pressure , or something in your past?

You may be throwing away a good relationship, and look back later in life with some regret, which I suppose is why your here asking.

Maybe you're trying to have your cake and eat it, if you work such long hours do you even have time for a meaningful relationship?

If he is not doing his fair share in other ways like being emotionally supportive or doing chores then you need to communicate this to him. if he's expecting you to do everything then ditch him, that simply isn't fair

However, I see many parallels

My ex had a very high powered and well paid job and she too became resentful due to the disparity in our income and working hours, It eventually ended our relationship.

She earned a great deal more than me, I'm financially pretty ok, but when something went wrong with the flat like the boiler or appliance's, she would often have to front the money, I would pay always her back in instalments.

She would often work 12 hour days, eventually she became more resentful at what she saw as my cushy life, I only work 6 hours a day due to a minor health condition

I did my share of housework. I made breakfast everyday, paid for most of the groceries and did most the food shopping as she worked from home, she conveniently forgot that she lived rent free for 18 years in my flat.

I know It wasn't intentional on her part, but her constant criticism, slowly chipped away at my self esteem. In turn I became resentful towards her. I just felt I was never good enough for her.

I really didn't want to leave the job and colleagues I loved.


After 19 years together, I caught her on having an affair with a colleague.

Like a hand grenade our relationship was over

Anecdotally,

Maybe its my upbringing and Nordic culture, (I'm from Finland originally)

But in my culture, career and income along with class status are not a priority in relationships and friendships. It is very common for a woman in Scandinavia to earn much more than their Husband. Men cook clean and take an active role in childcare. A car mechanic can be best friend with a banker, no one gives a shit about job titles, just human traits like personality, humour and intellect


I previously worked in a dementia and elderly care unit after a few years, I began to notice a pattern many of our patients, who I felt were way to young to be in a care home.

They where driven career types, with high powered jobs that had retired young, some where barely in their mid 60's, But and looked like they where in their 90's, they'd burnt themselves out.

Whilst they might have invested in their careers, they neglected friendships relationships and hobbies.

No one wishes they spent more time at the office on their death bead and who wants to be the richest person in the grave yard!


Some people are content in life to stay where they are, there's nothing wrong with that it may seem they lack ambition but if they are happy it is unwise and even cruel to expect them to change to your will.

[Discontinued]

Apologies for crap spelling I'm Dyslexic

[category12]

Tbh, it must be very hard living with you if you criticise the way he does laundry or the questions he asks the plumber. I'd find that incredibly undermining and it would ruin my self esteem in no time.

Have you ever thought about just not doing that?

If you want everything done your way, you need a robot-partner you've programmed, not another human being.

[CalistoNoSolo]

He sounds a bit laissez-faire but you sound really hard work. I doubt very much of there is a happy ever after for you as a couple. You resent him, I bet he resents you too for your 'perfectionist' traits.

[Pumpmonkey]

The point in your op where you lost my sympathy is where you describe him not taking up tasks because you always tell him off for not doing them your way. Have you ever considered that actually your need to have everything done ‘just so’ might be a big part of the issue?
I’ve had a partner like this and it killed all of my drive and desire to help or to strive for more because it destroyed my self confidence and belief that I was good at anything.
There isn’t just your way. In a relationship you have to accept you wont be identical in how you do things and being so rigid isn't fair. If you want something done the way you perceive to be ‘correct’ then employ someone to do it for you. Your partner deserves your respect and some flexibility. Otherwise how on earth do you make ANY relationship work?

[AnotherGrilledCheese]

@PrincessConstance yes very familiar. On bad days, we are incompatible and irritate each other. On good days, we see our differences as balancing each other out. He helps me accept my mistakes and not beat myself up over them. I help him polish his work presentations and progress his career. There are many good days which is why these crossroads are difficult. Would love to hear what you choose.

[AnotherGrilledCheese]

@Discontinued This is very thoughtful, thank you for sharing your experiences! You're correct, I do worry that if I leave, I'll look back one day and regret it.

[AnotherGrilledCheese]

Haha I know I sound intense, but I do have plenty of time everyday to laugh with him, watch a movie, and relax, I promise! Weekends are all for him, friends, brunch, hikes, Netflix. I'm guilty of working some Sunday nights, with a few glasses of wine. My side businesses are passive income (ie from rentals, etc), so I haven't felt the need to work constantly.

It's not about the income, I don't resent him for it but I bring it up and the businesses because I wish he would handle more elsewhere. After an 8 hour day in front of the computer, we are different - he feels exhausted and needs to lie down, whereas I check in on the side business until he wakes up and we prepare dinner. I've communicated before, and that hasn't gone well. He takes feedback very personally, no matter how gently I give it. Sometimes I get the cold shoulder for a few days. I've learned to internalize as much as possible but sometimes I feel like I walk on eggshells with him.

[AnotherGrilledCheese]

As for laundry, I didn't realize the polar reactions to this haha! He recently did our laundry and used harsh soap meant for whites on our colors, so my blacks are now greys. He was apologetic and I asked him to read the label so this doesn't happen again. He felt it was unnecessary to critique since he already apologized. I couldn't help it, but I try to hold back as much as I can.

[Bellalalala]

To be honest I am 40 and have no idea what harsh soap or non harsh soap is. Or use different detergents for colours and whites. My black clothes have never faded in one wash, either.

But, in my marriage I refused to cook. Because exh (chef) would interfere. I would make meals for me or for the kids but never cook something he was eating. Why should I put the effort in, if he is just going to stand over me telling me it wrong. It’s hard to work out wether he is incompetent and so you end up correcting him or you correcting him is the reason he doesn’t want to do much.

I am ambitious. Dp isn’t. It works fine, but we won’t be having kids. Not because of this but because I have 2 and want no more. I don’t resent him or expect him to be like me. I love him for his positives.

It really sounds like you are stepping into more of a mother role. Issuing corrections to his his behaviour (again not sure if that’s you or him), deciding what he should be doing to earn more money to fit a plan you have for him.

Your plans for your life don’t fit with the type of person he is. And that’s your plan. You say you love him. But I think you need to think about this. You may love certain aspects of him. But there’s a lot about him you know isn’t compatible with you and your plans and alot you don’t like. And they are fairly big things.

You know, you will resent who he is. You know that, long term, he isn’t what you wanted out of a partner.

[category12]

@AnotherGrilledCheese

As for laundry, I didn't realize the polar reactions to this haha! He recently did our laundry and used harsh soap meant for whites on our colors, so my blacks are now greys. He was apologetic and I asked him to read the label so this doesn't happen again. He felt it was unnecessary to critique since he already apologized. I couldn't help it, but I try to hold back as much as I can.

Of course you could help it. I don't believe one wash ruined your blacks. 🙄

Honestly, you're not compatible. You're very picky & critical and want everything done exactly as you like it, and he's far less fastidious, ambitious & driven.

He's experiencing your criticism as attacks or even bullying, and it seems to me that you're well on the way to developing contempt for him.

I think you'd be better splitting while you can still be amicable, rather than having children and it all getting very messy.