My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Bit upset. What does my flaky friend mean?

40 replies

DontdothisDothat · 24/01/2023 22:10

I’ve been in touch with an old school friend for about a year. He went AWOL with drug problem and in rehab. I didn’t contact him in that time & just got on with my stuff. He came out of rehab, all good, he video called me first and emphasised what a special bond, deep friendship we have & that he wanted to meet up soon.

I’ve checked in every so often to see how he is. Each time, he suggested: “let’s video call later” or “let’s chat later” but each time, “later” didn’t happen. Flaky. One time he fell asleep, another time he just didn’t follow. So I’ve taken it with a pinch of salt each time & created more distance.

He did it again this time.
“How are you?”
“Better now”
“Great”
”Fancy a chat later?”

I said I was out but yeah, that evening. That evening he asked how my outing had been, I gave brief detail and nothing else.

So the next day, i cheerfully said hi and how yet again, we never did have that chat. I said I’d let him decide from now on how and when he wants to be in touch.I wished him well. Balm in his court, I can’t be fucked any more.

He apologised for not calling, but says that “Are you ok?” would have been more kind from me. He said he struggles “with this” which then reduces his communication.

His reply has left me really confused. I feel like just saying “fuck you” and archiving him. Idk it all feels like a one-sided friendship where I check in with him all the tine. I struggle, too.

Maybe it’s overly dramatic. Idk, feel a bit crap.

OP posts:
Report
Twiglets1 · 25/01/2023 07:34

He was a friend to you, he isn’t anymore. It’s as simple as that really and I would stop initiating any conversations at all and just give the most basic replies to be polite

Report
Remona · 25/01/2023 07:35

Ah, bin him off. Don’t waste any more time and energy on this. He sounds flaky at best.

When I was younger I used to take everything at face value. If someone said “chat later” I would assume we would indeed chat later. If they said “fancy meeting for a coffee sometime?” I would think they had every intention of arranging to meet. I would analyse everything someone said. I’d feel disappointed when that person let me down.

As I’ve got older I take everything anyone tells me with a massive pinch of salt. With the exception of a very small number of family/close friends, I don’t really pay much attention to anything I’m told. Experience has taught me that a lot of people are flaky, self absorbed, liars or simply can’t be arsed. People are just wrapped up in their own lives and they make suggestions fleetingly without any intention of following through.

Don’t give this person any more headspace.

Report
whattodo1975 · 25/01/2023 07:37

100% bin off. Not worth your time and effort at all.

Report
DontdothisDothat · 25/01/2023 07:37

CheekyHobson · 25/01/2023 02:20

I love your idea of “disengaging with love”.

For me, that has meant I haven't declared having hurt feelings or blocked him or anything dramatic like that. I just formulated a clear understanding in my mind that although he's someone I was once close to and whose personality I like, I also know him well enough to know he is quite a bit less emotionally mature than me, so can't contribute to a friendship in a balanced way and if I let him, he will lean on me for emotional support when he needs it but will almost certainly be nowhere to be found if I need it.

Plus, his life is pretty chaotic, which means he's always going to need more emotional support than I do. That's actually quite sad for him, and I feel sorry for him that he's not capable of a more balanced friendship, but I've realised it's not my job to make up for his deficits when it drains me to do so just because he would like me to.

So I've drawn a boundary in my own head that while I hope things go well/better for him in life, we are not close friends anymore and I'm not going to become close friends with him again because it will likely always involve me giving more than he does and feeling resentful or hurt over time.

I do maintain a low-level friendship with him, giving an amount of time and energy I am happy with (occasional, impersonal and short but fun chats online) but I politely ignore, deflect or excuse myself when anything crosses the boundary that I have identified as being comfortable for me (no calls, no meet-ups, no negativity about others, no pity parties, no flattery or suggestions of deepening our relationship, no 'banter' that I feel might have a mean or pass-agg edge, no pretending to believe promises that we both know will come to nothing).

I get to enjoy the part of the friendship that actually works for me (he is clever and funny and we share some interests) but I don't expect or accept anything further than that. If he one day decides that friendly chat isn't worth the effort if I'm not also offering free no-returns emotional support, so be it. I won't feel resentful as I haven't allowed myself to be used, disrespected or let down any longer.

Wow, this is an amazing post. HUGE thank you, @CheekyHobson massively helpful, agree with @Captainfairylights this is a great guide!

You’ve hit the nail on the head. There’s no need for drama, I just need to reprogramme him in my mind so I’m giving less. There’s been this big asymmetry & I previously felt controlled - he picked up when it suited HIM. He even knows he’s doing it, to an extent, because he apologised hugely just a few months before rehab.

He is not capable of a balanced friendship .
This is perfect. Best to chuck it a few breadcrumbs if it comes up, and that is sad, because we’ve shared some really formative times, but just because you go back a long way doesn’t make you a good friend. He will always impinge on me. It is a sad realisation, but a realistic one. Thank you so much for this “outline”. It’s a perfect guide for how to treat people like this.

OP posts:
Report
DontdothisDothat · 25/01/2023 07:46

WhatNoRaisins · 25/01/2023 07:28

OP it's ok to ask yourself what does this relationship bring to my life. You only have so much time on this earth but there are billions of people. It's not selfish or unreasonable to focus your time on those who contribute positively rather than those who don't.

Was asking that, myself. Why did I keep doing it? Time to move away & focus on positive people. I’m select about who enters my life, time to not let him enjoy the privilege. Thank you!

OP posts:
Report
DontdothisDothat · 25/01/2023 07:51

MagnoliaMix · 25/01/2023 07:31

OP , sounds like you're feeling crap because you care about this person. But you're also exhausted by the communication. So don't slam anything shut. Step back a bit, don't message if you don't want to, but keep the door open if you or he wants to be in touch in the future.

Yes, I do care about him & previously he was very intense & it was, as he put it, a deep bind. But I don’t need to invest any more, it’s getting ridiculous. I’m not going to message him anymore & I’ve changed my settings so he can’t see if I’m online. That might not change much but it makes me feel like I’m being less available to him.

Future: I don’t know if I want to be available for that, but I don’t want the drama of blocking him, withers I think putting him in my archive is a good compromise.

OP posts:
Report
DontdothisDothat · 25/01/2023 07:53

Remona · 25/01/2023 07:35

Ah, bin him off. Don’t waste any more time and energy on this. He sounds flaky at best.

When I was younger I used to take everything at face value. If someone said “chat later” I would assume we would indeed chat later. If they said “fancy meeting for a coffee sometime?” I would think they had every intention of arranging to meet. I would analyse everything someone said. I’d feel disappointed when that person let me down.

As I’ve got older I take everything anyone tells me with a massive pinch of salt. With the exception of a very small number of family/close friends, I don’t really pay much attention to anything I’m told. Experience has taught me that a lot of people are flaky, self absorbed, liars or simply can’t be arsed. People are just wrapped up in their own lives and they make suggestions fleetingly without any intention of following through.

Don’t give this person any more headspace.

He confused me about whether to take him literally or no about his “chat later” requests. My life is busy, I don’t have time to waste trying to interpret each time he says that. You’re right, time to get him out of my head & move on. Thank you.

OP posts:
Report
ImBlueDab · 25/01/2023 07:56

Leave the ball in his court all the time. Don't think that just because he's done it once, it'll go back to how it was.

Respond to him, if he suggests a video call, say you'd love to do this, but let him arrange it. Let him be the first to reach out to you. It'll soon fizzle out in its own.

I did this with my ex sil. When she used to say 'we must meet up, I'd try and arrange something' but it would never happen, when she says it now, I respond with 'that would be lovely, yea we should' then don't arrange anything, as I know she won't. We check in with each other every now and then, but it's definitely gone by the wayside now I'm not making the arrangements

Report
Justalittlebitduckling · 25/01/2023 07:58

CheekyHobson · 25/01/2023 00:40

I have one of those. Flaky as fuck. Substance abuse issues. Old and once-dear friend though, an ex from a long long time ago and someone whose wellbeing I care about.

He shows up periodically with charming, interesting and low-key flirtatious messages, though eventually I worked out that this was a veiled sign that things were going south with whoever he was dating at the time, and he wanted a bit of attention from me, rather than that he wanted to pay me a bit of attention. Once he'd had his fill, he was done.

After he flaked on a few coffee catch-ups, I substantially dialled back my level of engagement. Recently I see he's resparked things with another ex-girlfriend, so I clearly wasn't the only one on the receiving end of his outreaches.

Resolve to stop being mildly flattered by these crumbs of attention, remind yourself that self-absorption is a common and core feature of most people with long-term addiction issues and reassure yourself that it's better for everyone if you just wish him the best and disengage with love (you can just do this in your mind, you don't have to say it to him) rather than keep indulging a relationship that's mostly a validation device for him and not a real friendship. Maintaining the farce that it is will likely feel increasingly humiliating and pointless for you and deplete any genuine goodwill you have left towards him.

This is great advice. Wish I’d read this when I was in a similar situation a decade or so ago with a narcissist.

Report
Sunnysideup999 · 25/01/2023 08:34

Some really good responses here.
I too had an old friend that would be really flaky - in the end I took everything they said with a pinch of salt.
Heed someone’s actions - not their words.
it sounds like you put a lot of emphasis on how you WERE good friends and went through stuff together. That’s in the past - they are clearly different now and I don’t think you can expect much from this person - certainly not consistency of actions and following through on what they say.
its always sad when old friendships change - but they do and that’s ok.

Report
KettrickenSmiled · 25/01/2023 17:39

What drove you to persist in seeking communication from this flake?

So the next day, i cheerfully said hi and how yet again, we never did have that chat. I said I’d let him decide from now on how and when he wants to be in touch.I wished him well. Balm in his court, I can’t be fucked any more.

He apologised for not calling, but says that “Are you ok?” would have been more kind from me. He said he struggles “with this” which then reduces his communication.

FFS can you not see how you are being played?

He flakes on you 9 million times & you play along. So he now knows he can fake at will, because you will tolerate it.

You finally, finally see the light & stop playing, You could not have worded that more politely or kindly btw. But he decided to "take offence" because he needs the flake-accepting OP, not the OP who has shown a hint of having a boundary.

So he scolds you for making a perfectly polite & normal suggestion, to try & bring you back into flake-acceptance.
It is passive-aggressive, manipulative bullshit.

And now he's selling you his sob story about how he struggles.
You are being softened up.
Stop responding to his posturing & let this 'friendship' slip away again.

Report
KettrickenSmiled · 25/01/2023 17:42

he video called me first and emphasised what a special bond, deep friendship we have & that he wanted to meet up soon.

He revived it first & said he had feelings for me.

🙄

He's just out of rehab & you have a roof over your head.
he's a hobosexual wannabee cocklodger.

Report
5128gap · 25/01/2023 17:52

This is messy OP. He's unreliable with a chaotic past. He's got feelings for you that you don't think you reciprocate, yet you still seem rather invested in him, giving a fair bit of headspace to second guessing him.
A friendship where one person has feelings rarely ends well, and that's without the person concerned being vulnerable by way of substance use.
If you prefer life without drama and soul searching I'd try to make him a bit more peripheral in your thoughts. If he wants to chat and you're around, all good, but I'd not be dwelling on him in between times or factoring him into my plans.

Report
OpportunityKnockss · 25/01/2023 21:40

I don’t think it’s so much a case of flakiness it’s more a case of him not being bothered by you wanting a friendship. Stop checking in on him.

Report
DontdothisDothat · 08/02/2023 16:24

Update: he came back with a HUGE apology & asked if we could have our regular video calls again.

We are arranging to meet up properly soon. The friendship is genuine & back on. He’s in a good place, but I’ve mentally constructed a set of “strikes” and if he doesn’t maintain it, I will put him on the back burner for good. So far, so good. I’ve noticed we’ve stopped texting as much and save our stuff for the video calls, maybe that’s helpful, too. The space is better defined.

Just wanted to update you all.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.