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Original poster

To reach out and make peace?

27 replies

IGoodbyeMyFriendI · 24/01/2023 21:38

Anyone else get to that point where all the rubbish and the anger and sadness over a falling out feels utterly irrelevant and pointless? I feel like reaching out and making my position clear and that even though the relationship is dead in the water, the animosity has gone. Probably a silly idea because I don't think it would be well received, but I would rather if we bumped into each other that they felt comfortable, than they felt anxious or otherwise. Now it feels like all that matters is the relationship we once had.

OP posts:
SpentDandelion · 24/01/2023 21:47

I am very much aware of how fragile life is so
I always try to be mindful of something l once read.
If you only had a few minutes to live, who would you phone ?
What would you tell them?
What are you waiting for?
I would tell her what you've just said in your post. Your intentions are well meant, up to her how she reacts.

RoaRoaRasputin · 24/01/2023 21:51

Nah. You could very well end up feeling worse if they are immature or not feeling generous that day.

BarryK3nt · 24/01/2023 21:52

What did you do to them?

365names · 24/01/2023 21:53

Depends are they worth it, would they appreciate it, would they like you want to restart? Or apologise

what do you hope to offer? What do you hope to gain

Original poster
IGoodbyeMyFriendI · 24/01/2023 22:04

Neither one of us were particularly nice to each other. Ongoing issues and we couldn't get past it at the time. I don't believe they will feel resolve on the situation, so hard to try to have any level of contact going forwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
IGoodbyeMyFriendI · 24/01/2023 22:06

Honestly, I don't believe we are capable of having any level of relationship right now - based on historic events. But mostly I'd just like them to know that I don't hold any negative feelings towards them anymore.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/01/2023 22:08

What would that achieve? If there’s a long and messy history surely it’s better to just move forwards and heal.

sadcorbeau · 24/01/2023 22:10

Meh, I wouldn't bother if you're not in contact. They'd be in touch if they cared.

IF it will make you feel better to send a short apology or whatever, I think that's fine, but don't make it too emotional or request a response. Only do that if you're OK with it being ignored.

Neowulf · 24/01/2023 22:15

Hard to give advice without context.

Maybe they’re thinking the same thing and wanting to reach out too

pastypirate · 24/01/2023 22:22

I have a similar situation. I just want to not bother with any of it.

Neowulf · 24/01/2023 22:24

I’m in a similar position too. What the person did was disgraceful. But I want to be the bigger person.

Abasnada · 24/01/2023 22:24

If the relationship is dead in the water then just leave it. No point in raking up the past for nothing is there.

sorcerersapprentice · 24/01/2023 22:26

Do you want the contact in order to make yourself feel better about the situation?
If so, you might not get that

Monty27 · 24/01/2023 22:27

You don't need to make any big statement but I get on with my exh on a light note. He who I hated with a strong passion because my heart was broken. It's not broken anymore. It's healed.

Original poster
IGoodbyeMyFriendI · 24/01/2023 22:40

sorcerersapprentice · 24/01/2023 22:26

Do you want the contact in order to make yourself feel better about the situation?
If so, you might not get that

Neither one of us were our best selves. Both of us acted out of anger at points. I don't feel I need to make myself "feel better", but I know that they are likely to be hurting too and I don't want that for them, despite acting like an ass.

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 24/01/2023 22:45

I have been in your position and reached out for the sake of not wanting any more animosity. I was labelled a drama queen and manipulator. Sometimes it is best to let things and people go.

Neowulf · 24/01/2023 22:54

But at least the op will know they’ve done what they can, it’s on the other person to be mature and react gracefully. If they don’t, then that’s on them. I guess what I’m trying to say is we can only be responsible for our actions not the other persons

Original poster
IGoodbyeMyFriendI · 24/01/2023 23:02

Neowulf · 24/01/2023 22:24

I’m in a similar position too. What the person did was disgraceful. But I want to be the bigger person.

Neowulf, if you don't feel responsible why would you be the one to reach out? In my situation I feel both parties are at fault, so it could really go either way. Just curious?

OP posts:
Original poster
IGoodbyeMyFriendI · 28/01/2023 19:50

I reached out and haven't heard anything in response, so I guess that would be my response 😶

OP posts:
sorcerersapprentice · 31/01/2023 01:07

It's very hard when you lose a friendship. Hopefully both of you can move on from it. Without knowing what your issue was, I would say there's too much water under the bridge fir this to be recovered based on the lack of response.

There was a recent episode of Women's Hour on this topic which I picked up on Spotify- worth a listen. Also something on BBC Sounds that I haven't found yet

Yes, it's happened to me too. But in my case it was a male friendship in a hobby group and he's been a total asshole since our falling out. I gave up trying to recover it.

Alcyone · 31/01/2023 05:49

Did you apologise for your part in it or did you tell her you don't have negative feelings towards her anymore?

I get the impression from your posts that you might be culpable here, even if you both ended up acting badly.

Not much you can do now I suppose but you never know, they may be taking some time to think about what you've said and how/whether to reply.

EggAndHasBeans · 31/01/2023 07:52

it’s on the other person to be mature and react gracefully - Given you have no idea what took place, that's a fairly high expectation you have there. Sometimes the mature and graceful thing to do is to walk away and say nothing. It doesn't sound like this was just a little spat, even the OP seems very sure that their relationship can't recover from it.

Having said that I think it's always worth trying, providing you go about it with sincerity and honesty - that's usually well received by most people.

Watchkeys · 31/01/2023 08:06

I think this is a lesson being provided for you, OP, in the way that life sometimes does. It's the 'How to walk away' lesson.

You can choose to accept it as a lesson or not, but you'll be stronger in the future if you do.

JussathoB · 31/01/2023 08:52

You’ve reached out and sent your message. I wouldn’t draw too many conclusions from not getting a reply back at this time. The other person just may not be ready to reply, it’s not necessarily negative. In your situation I would leave it now and go and enjoy life.

XmasElf10 · 31/01/2023 09:20

I would focus on your own healing. It sounds as if it was a messy end to a relationship where both parties were at some fault. You are hurting, he/she is hurting. The quickest path to healing, in my experience, is distance. Reaching out to "make peace" just rakes up the pain again. Acknowledge what you did wrong to yourself so you can try and do better in your next relationship and then focus on feeling better. If he/she is a decent human being and you didn't do anything too awful I'd assume an accidental meeting in the street would be a little awkward but not the end of the world.