Financial issues with partner

[HaventBeenHereInYears]

Hi. Used to be here years ago (names included DrSethHazlittMD and VoiceOfUnreason). Male.

After over a decade single met my lovely girlfriend/partner in 2020 via internet. As we lived 100 miles apart it was weekends only. Last year she had an operation that was supposed to have a two week recovery period. I took the time off work to look after her but the op wasn't totally successful and recovery took six weeks although I was able to go home after five. Work were very good and allowed me to work from there although not ideal.

It was expected that another op would be needed with an expected six week recovery so I quit work, took a contract WFH job for six months, put my property on the market. In the end the op wasn't required but continued with plan and finally moved in in November. I'm paying part of bills and most shopping and she pays her mortgage. My name not on. Plan is in putting most of my sale aside for deposit on joint property next year and using remainder to live on until I get a job.

Sadly her mum has been ill and is on end of life and we've seen very little of each other. I've just finished my contract and just started applying for jobs here. Offered one end of last week but it's not right, I wouldn't be happy, and my partner and her family was insistent I not take it. The joy of my being sensible and saving money means I can afford to wait. Or I could.

Partner has today been telephoned her work while at the bedside of her dying mum in hospice. They offered her compassionate leave, it wasn't asked for. They want to pay her off because of her absences - the operation and her dying parent. Her cousin (shit hot employment law) says it's definitely constructive dismissal, plus unfair dismissal, and discrimination (long story) and they're fucked.

However, I have discovered partner has very few savings (poured all into buying her property two years ago). I feel I have no choice but to accept job but even so will only cover half bills. Am I expected to use my savings until whenever, even though my name not on mortgage? What if we split up.

She'll certainly get a payout with threat of legal action but that will be months away.

I've left my job, my home, my friends (I know no one here) for her and now I'm having my free choice taken away about my career and potentially have to pour my savings into her property. I realise it's her arsehole boss's fault but I'm also concerned she has no savings at all (she was paid three times what I earned before I moved). I've always lived well within my means, no debts aside from mortgage, and managed to save in case of emergency.

I'm concerned how I'm supposed to raise the issue if "just how are we going to pay bills if you've no savings?" while her mum is dying but it can't really be left as I need to accept or not this job (not that I could start immediately with this going on anyway).

Sorry that's long but want to know what you'd do in my shoes, please.

Sorry - meant to say she is with her mum at hospice because her work offered her two weeks paid compassionate leave so she could do whatever necessary and had said she could extend it if necessary (although unpaid). She never asked for the leave which they are now using against her.

I don’t get it, they offered her 2 weeks paid compassionate leave? So she’s not been sacked?

IF she loses her job (from what you’ve said this hadn’t happened yet) she can still get another job while pursuing any claims against her former employer (indeed she will be expected to mitigate her losses). You have discovered how potentially financially vulnerable unmarried people with no property interests are. This can (partly) be solved by way of marriage.

I'm not sure I agree with the lawyer that it's an obvious case of constructive or unfair dismissal. There will have to be a process followed but significant absences can lead to dismissal no matter what the reason for the absence is. (I've worked in and am qualified in HR and been down this road several times)

The bigger issue here is that you have very different attitudes to financial management and that can put a lot of stress on a relationship. You need to resolve that or you have a very difficult future ahead. Many people have no savings and it's not important to them. They get by when things get tough. It's just how some people choose to live.

The cousin sounds clueless. Of course they can move to capability termination if the employee has prolonged and repeated periods of absence. She needs to see a proper lawyer as her cousin is talking through her arse.

If they’re trying for a compromise agreement (ie paying her to leave) then she will receive that money on her pay day or before. She can negotiate more money if they have acted illegally or badly on the agreement she won’t take them to court. Her sister can help her with this and whilst negotiations are carried out she will still be on full pay.

I don’t know why you’re immediately jumping to the thought that you’re going to have to pay for everything forevermore! I think you’ve gone into full on panic mode. Focus on sorting a job out for yourself.

Poor woman though, dying mother, Ill health, a cousin who talks shite , and a boyfriend who is terrified he’d have to pay her mortgage and is wondering what happens if he bins her off.

I feel for both of you, what a mess. No
way would I use my lump sum, it’s so hard to save for another one. Could you gently encourage her to apply for until her payout comes through?

Tis upto you.

I’ve seen the post above where if it was gender swapped you’d get a bit more sympathy.

One guy to another, shit happens, how we deal with it, sets the good guys from the scum.

Id personally accept that a proportion of savings were likely to be used as part of this. It’s a partnership you are in after all. I’d suggest maybe 2 possibly 3 months grace period coverage. After that, if there is someone lolling on the sofa feeling sorry for themselves, i’d have a different attitude to someone always put looking for their next role.

All the other issues aside, you both need money to live. It sounds like this relationship has moved quickly. You've only known each other less than 3 years. You've moved, sold a house, changed jobs, etc. all very quickly. In the short term, you both need money to live on. Take the job. Having a job is better than having no job in these particularly tricky times. Give her time to grieve and to get herself physically back on the right foot after what sounds like quite a lot of health issues. She currently still has a job, so hopefully she can go back to it after 2 weeks. If not, you working will buy her a month or so to get back on her feet.

When dh and I were first dating, we both went through phases of being more financially secure and being less until we were both working in a secure role. Sometimes I made the money and dh was in a shitty temp one. He has a business degree, but he did a few months picking and packing watercress at a farm and also loading timber at a timber yard. Not at all the sort of job he wanted, but it kept us going for 6 months. During those times, I paid more. Then I was a student or on mat leave for several years, and he paid more. That's just what you do in a long-term serious relationship.

Now, should you be paying her mortgage indefinitely while she doesn't work and you aren't on the deeds? No. But this sounds like a bit of an emergency situation and you both need to do whatever it takes to keep everything going until life settles down a bit. Take the job. Keep looking for a better one. Figure out how you can cut back on expenses. Once she is through the funeral and getting back on her feet again, you can sit down and discuss the long term.

That all sounds very tough on both of you, obviously your partner needs to time to deal with her mother, the entire job this is her issue to deal with not yours ( but you need to support).

It sounds like you have quite different attitudes to money, should you be paying her mortgage, no of course not, not your house,
should you be supporting her, yes of course, you need to find a job of some sort for a few months to keep things ticking over while life settles down.

and don’t be afraid to walk away if it doesn’t work out

Have you told her you're concerned?

If not, why not? All you'd have to say is 'But how will you be able to pay your share for our joint outgoings?' when the issue comes up.

If you're coming to a forum to solve a relationship issue, rather than going to your partner, there's more of an issue here than just the money. You're not communicating.

OP, if you are who you say you are, I remember you well, you used to make a lot of very good posts, were very supportive, and you're a decent guy. We were all thrilled you finally found someone after so long.

If this was a thread by a female poster the majority of women (the good old Vipers of MN) would be shouting "don't pay the mortgage, you're not on the deeds, get your name put on it first" as Bard, Utopia and Joey have all sort of said. God this place is pathetic at times and Beer you're being a twat.

Beercrispsandnuts there have not been repeated long periods of absence. There have been two absences in 12 months (none for the many years prior to that) and the current one was compassionate leave SUGGESTED by her boss when he heard about her mum and not requested by my partner.

OllyBJolly we've spoken to two HR colleagues and the cousin who specialises in employment law. There are one or two aspects I have omitted - outing, Daily Fail etc. They all agree, surprisingly. Partner is a carer for her mum and aside from two occasions in the last 6 years to accompany a hospital visit (of one day each) this has never interefered with her work.

I was not aware until very recently that my partner had so little savings and it's a difficult chat to have while her mum is dying. I have no issue with stepping up and covering all the bills and the mortgage but I am well aware, oddly enough as LadyH has put it, the more usual cry would be "not if your name isn't on it, you might split up".

What I meant to say was that I could just use my savings without taking the job which neither of us feels is right for me and added to which I think my partner is going to need my support over the coming weeks - both with her grief and the legal/work issue - and that could be difficult while I'm doing 13 hour days and some evenings and weekends too. At the same time, though, in case this does roll on for longer, it seems only sensible to think about what to do in such a circumstance.

Am I expected to use my savings until whenever, even though my name not on mortgage? What if we split up.

What would you do if you were single right now?

I appreciate that's a moot point, because if you were, you would not have quit work, took a contract WFH job for six months, put my property on the market.
But this is where you are now: so consider, as a single man, would you want to put your savings onto another person's mortgage & asset-appreciation, or would you secure them back into a property of your own?

Your partner's lack of savings is a worry, given her previous earning power, & it's concerning that you dropped everything & moved 100 miles just to support her. I suspect you have been lined up as a cash cow & if the sexes were reversed, there would be plenty of posts urging you to consider if you are being manipulated or controlled.
Do not throw your life savings & your chance to regain a foot on the property ladder for a woman you have essentially only been dating for a couple of years. You have had a weekend-only relationship, where it's easy to only present the best of yourselves. You don;t appear to have discussed your move into her home properly, it seems more like a mercy dash than a planned & considered merging of finances, labour, & all the rest that goes into a successful relationship.

Protect your assets before you sink them into a hole you can't retrieve them from. You've already sacrificed your career job, which seems ... insane, given what has just happened to your partner's. Don;t shoot yourself in the foot here.

FFS

A boyfriend who has sold his own home & given up his secure employment to ride to his girlfriend's rescue, & is considering taking a miserable 13 hour-day job to support her further.

I think I would be retracing as many steps as possible out of this situation. You could be leaving yourself financially vulnerable if it all goes wrong (and it probably will).

@HaventBeenHereInYears it sounds as if both of you don't have the luxury of choosing jobs or not working. It would be lovely IF you could be there for your partner during this difficult time BUT very few couples have the luxury of stopping work whilst a parent is ill.

If I was you I would decide how much money you will retain in savings for your deposit then put it away and don't consider it as available money. It isn't rainy day money, it's money allocated for a house so a commitment.

Make decisions on the job based on your immediate financial needs, i.e can you not take the job and pay 50% without using up your deposit?

Your partner will also have to do the same..if you were not there what would she do for money? As you are not married and haven't been together that long it's unwise to take on all the financial responsibility. You will just end up feeling resentment. As an adult she should be able to cope financially without relying on a relatively short term partner to bail her out.