Am I ruining our marriage?

[coffeewithmilk]

Hi,
Married to my husband 5 years. Have had a lot of ups and downs over the last 10 years we've been together but overall have been happy and easy to talk to each other if something is bothering one of us.
Currently have a 1 year old baby, husband started a new job a few weeks ago.. I know he's working really hard to provide for us financially but I feel like he isn't helping in any other way.. I almost feel resentful in a way that I'm always cleaning, picking up after his mess, constantly looking after baby and just feel like I don't catch a break at all.
Recently all I've been doing is snapping at him and I really just blew the lid earlier today because I feel really fed up.. I feel like my snapping is just ruining everything.
I don't feel happy in the relationship at present.. I just don't know what to do.. but the thoughts of life without him make me very upset.
I suppose we have gotten into a routine of just sitting in front of the tv in the evening and sitting on our phones.. I wonder if every marriage is like this?

Please help.. or shed some light.. anything. I just need to hear other perspectives

Thank you

You said it's really easy to talk if something is bothering you. That's what you need to do. Communicate.

It can be such a tricky stage. You're finding your feet as parents. Your roles are suddenly very different day to day - presumably before, you both worked FT in paid jobs and now your 'job' has changed immeasurably. Did you share the workload fairly before you had your baby?

The only fair way of looking at it, IMO, is that you should both get the same amount of downtime. Proper downtime, when you can just relax, soak in the bath, go out with friends or do a hobby.

So if he's sat watching TV or going out or playing on his phone while you're cleaning, cooking, parenting, then clearly that isn't fair. I would wait until you are both in a better mood, and put it to him in those terms. If he's a decent and intelligent person, he won't (and can't) argue against that principle.

If he argues that he's entitled to more downtime than you, then he's either thick or extremely selfish and uncaring.

If he thinks that you should do all the housework and parenting because you're a woman, then you have a dinosaur on your hands, and only you can decide if you want to live with a dinosaur who thinks his time is more important than yours.

If your husband isn’t helping out at home when you have a 1 year old, that’s likely to cause some resentment.

Don't blame yourself too harshly for snapping when it gets too much. But ultimately that’s not all that helpful. You need to be clear about how the current arrangement needs to change to be more workable for you.

Having very young children causes issues in most marriages. Unfortunately it’s probably not going to be resolved overnight. But I think it will help a lot if your dp is able to shift his viewpoint / behaviour. Perhaps if he has just started a new job it is really stealing focus for him atm but that should hopefully dissipate over the coming weeks and you might notice him helping out more.

If your DH is a good provider, are you saying you are a SAHM? If its not the role you want, perhaps go back to work? Then get a cleaner, and the rest should then be shared between you. He can't argue with that if both working.