AIBU to feel resentment

[Minteraye]

Will try and be brief!

TL;DR: I’m freelance (and have been for years), have DP lots of support and encouragement in also going self-employed, since doing so (in similar field to me) he has now started making comments about my work and pitting us against each other, and I feel… not very warm towards him. Things like – I had a great positive conversation with a client who was interested in working with me on something really exciting, a great opportunity, and DP’s comment was ‘I hate it’ (he was a few months in and feeling stressed with the change).

More recently, he’s claimed in an argument that he ’earns more than me’ (just a random made up thing and meaningless as we’re not salaried – he’s also told me in the past that an ex used to do this to him, which understandably he found hurtful). A few times when he’s said he will check something over with me (for eg I’ve asked in advance - will you be about on this day, this will be a tight turnaround and I’ll need to run this past someone, and he’s agreed to), then when the time has come he’s said he’s playing computer games instead, leaving me in the lurch at last minute. He was never like this before, only since he went SE. And I feel like I don’t want to be round him.

AIB over sensitive? Should I just get over it? For me it’s really broken the trust between us and I feel quite resentful. It’s tricky enough sometimes staying positive and motivated when you’re working for yourself from home, and now I feel like I have this hater round me who would like to see me fail.

More background!

DP was unhappy with job when we met – stuck in low paid (but fairly responsible) job at company who didn’t appreciate him. Was interviewing for other roles but struggling to land next position. I gave him tons of support, always believed in him, offered advice, a sounding board where I could, did things like found him a coach for interviews, helped with CVs, applications, etc.

Eventually (off his own back, not because of me) he landed a great role and stayed there for a few years. For various reasons he (justifiably) wasn’t keen on the company and continued to look at other options. I encouraged and supported him in going SE.

‘have‘ on second line was supposed to be ‘gave’!!

You feel how you feel. Reasonable and unreasonable aren't something you can apply to your feelings. They can only be applied to your behaviours.

Work out how you feel, and communicate it respectfully. Distance yourself from anybody who doesn't respect your feelings. There are no guidelines about how sensitive any of us should be. If he feels you're too sensitive, you're too sensitive for him. If you want to live by his standards, change your behaviour, but it's better to respect your own feelings.

Thanks for replying. No hasn’t said I’m too sensitive. I’ve asked here more as I’d like to know if others would feel the same or if it’s something you’d brush off. I know I’m entitled to feel however I want to / do but interested in other opinions and how others read the situation. Sometimes it’s useful to get an outside perspective! I don’t think feelings are always king – sometimes feelings are irrational and out of proportion to the situation at hand! I haven’t posted in AIBU partly as he is on mumsnet.

Don't brush off your feelings, it never works! If you feel like you have done a lot for him in the past it's perfectly normal in my opinion to expect similar treatment from him and to be disappointed when that doesn't happen.
Resentment is a complex emotion, just acknowledging it doesn't really help. Whenever I felt persistently resentful towards someone it was because they were crossing my boundaries, even though I sometimes had a really hard time deciphering what exactly my boundaries were. Sometimes relationships got better when I expressed my boundaries clearly and without accusations and sometimes not because the other person simply couldn't or wouldn't act in a way that was acceptable to me.
So in your position, I'd try to figure out what specifically bothers me and then I'd communicate that respectfully and take it from there. Good luck!

My exDH got like this, competitive over everything. Note the ex bit.

Your feelings sound reasonable.

And reading between the lines, your DP’s a bit difficult. There’s talk of him not being appreciated in his initial job and not being keen on the second job company despite having landed a great role. His behaviour to you - saying he’ll review something and then refusing to do so: he sounds like a bit of a tricky customer to me. I can’t imagine letting a colleague down in that way - or a colleague letting me down - let alone my DH.

Thanks for the replies x

He’s an insecure ingrate.