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Relationships

DH’s comments, am I wrong to be fed up?

16 replies

NeedSomeHelp12 · 23/01/2023 23:09

I don’t know if I’m just being sensitive at the moment but getting fed up of “D”Hs comments. I know it’s not a big thing but you know when it’s a lot of little things that get on your nerves. For example he just came in the living room and said it was hot as I had the fire on, I said DD wanted it on and he said “you’re the adult”, I was cold also but is it wrong that he said this?
I have also felt lately he makes lots of passive aggressive type comments, like “why hasn’t x been done”? It’s obviously that nobody’s done it, so is he basically saying “why haven’t you done it” to me, when he could easily have done it himself, by making the comment? When DD wants something she automatically shouts for me and when I say that there are other people that could help he says “oh but she wants you”, that’s because I’m always the default parent.
Another thing that annoys me is he has said several times since we’ve been together over 20 years that he has had to lower his standards when it comes to the house being clean and tidy, this is despite the fact that over the 20 years he has never done any regular cleaning or washing, including when the DC were little. I admit that I am untidy and a bit of a hoarder but he said if I wasn’t tidier he wouldn’t bother either but I said if everyone did their bit I’d have more time to do mine. He’s only started recently putting away his own clothes and pants and socks after I’ve gathered them together. These are some examples.
He used to work away part of the week and I couldn’t work out why I’d sometimes be glad he was away despite having to do everything for DC, and I’ve recently come to the feeling that it was that I could relax when he was away and not feel criticised and judged. He would probably say I’m just being over sensitive, am I or would you be fed up?

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Opentooffers · 23/01/2023 23:44

Throw it back at him "- yes why hasn't x been done?".Hmm...yes I've had to lower my standards and expectations of you too over the years".
Do you work too? Now the DC's are older, are they doing chores?

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caringcarer · 23/01/2023 23:55

I told my DC if he woke at night to call for Daddy. He did and DH went to sort him out.

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Rickiticki · 24/01/2023 00:06

Does he think he lives in Downton Abbey, believe he’s Hugh Bonneville and that you’re a mix of Beryl Patmore and Elsie Hughes?
Tell him to do the jobs himself, you’re not his housemaid and he’s not the lord of the manor.

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NeedSomeHelp12 · 24/01/2023 00:10

The DC will put their clothes away, unload the dishwasher sometimes. I work part time still due to job circumstances so I know that because of this I should do the majority of stuff and don’t particularly expect him to do much but it would be nice not to be criticised if I haven’t done something. He doesn’t even put stuff in the bin when he’s finished with it most of the time. I only recently started to realise when I thought about it that he didn’t do much pre kids when we both worked full time.

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WallaceinAnderland · 24/01/2023 00:14

over the 20 years he has never done any regular cleaning or washing, including when the DC were little

Why? I never understand why women who live like this have such low expectations of their partners.

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samqueens · 24/01/2023 00:32

Really recommend the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (you can download on kindle app to read discreetly). It might help you decide if YABU…

My guess is the reason you said DD wanted the fire on when you did as well, is because on some level you knew he would give you grief for saying so and you wanted to head that off. It’s the kind of habit that develops when you live with someone who treats you like crap for a sustained period of time.

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Jux · 24/01/2023 00:41

NeedSomeHelp12 · 24/01/2023 00:10

The DC will put their clothes away, unload the dishwasher sometimes. I work part time still due to job circumstances so I know that because of this I should do the majority of stuff and don’t particularly expect him to do much but it would be nice not to be criticised if I haven’t done something. He doesn’t even put stuff in the bin when he’s finished with it most of the time. I only recently started to realise when I thought about it that he didn’t do much pre kids when we both worked full time.

Gather the things, rubbish etc together and keep it all in a box especially for it. Keep the box near where he sits for meals. Tell him it's his box and he's responsible for it. Tell him it's his problem not yours and if there's an implement you need and he doeasn't get it out for you tell him you'll have to get another as the old one seems to be lost.

I did, at one point, stop tidying up after dh; just made a mound on the kitchen table where he sat. I don't drink and that week every bottle opener ended up in that mound as he would just reach for the nearest, use it, then put it down where his hand was rather than reach to put it back on its hook - we have 3 or 4 of the things, so it was a few days before he needed to rummage through drawers and cupboards looking for one until he had to root through the pile of packaging, receipts, bits and pieces. He got the picture.

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NeedSomeHelp12 · 26/01/2023 00:27

He has worked long hours in stressful jobs and does work hard in those so I just thought as I worked part time it was my responsibility, as I was told previously by some posters in previous posts. But I am just getting really fed up that he seems to not take part in family life unless he has to. Even the things he does do he moans about, like making DD sandwiches a few days a week, while making his own. And mowing the lawn a couple of times in the year. Also I can barely think of anything he has done with DC over the years that he has done on his own or arranged. As I’m part time we tend to do stuff together but he never spontaneously took them to the park when they were little or suggested stuff to do. He would probably say he was too busy working but other people seem to find the time, prioritise their kids.

We’ve been having a difficult time with one of the DC lately and I’ve had to really push before he would actually listen and do something about it. He would rather argue with him than try and get to the root of the problem. He keeps saying “we” should do this or that but never acts upon it, so I don’t know if really thinks I should.

just feel like he expects me to deal with everything relating to family life.

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Naunet · 26/01/2023 08:27

He see’s you as his skivvy and has zero respect for you. I’d honestly consider leaving, I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like I’m less than him. I would suggest talking, therapy etc, but I doubt he’d change.

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billy1966 · 26/01/2023 09:25

He sounds really awful.

20 years you have spent with this loser.

Life is too short.

If you can make a plan to get rid of him, do it.

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NeedSomeHelp12 · 26/01/2023 09:29

I suppose as he’s the main breadwinner he sees that this and that he does a few things to help is his role. I have thought about leaving many times, the thought of being able to do what I wanted without being criticised and judged is lovely but I didn’t want to break up the family when there hasn’t been a big issue. If I left he would say I’m ungrateful after how hard he’s worked “for us”. That’s what I usually get if I complain, then I think I am ungrateful and feel guilty that’s why I don’t say anything a lot of the time.

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NeedSomeHelp12 · 26/01/2023 10:13

He’s not like it all the time, he can be nice to be around but then he’ll make some comment and just makes me feel really annoyed again.

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billy1966 · 26/01/2023 11:34

It's your life, if you feel this is all you deserve.

I feel sorry for your children being reared in a home where their father speaks to their mother like that.

Are you happy for your children to accept a similar future to yours?

Spoken to like you are for 20 years?

This is what is normal for your children.

You don't have to leave now, but get planning for a different future for yourself.

Make a life outside the home with friends, hobbies, and work.
Up skill if you can.

Most importantly detach emotionally.

That will deprive him of power over you.
This will help you shake off the annoyance of him, until you can leave.

Also share with family and friends how unreasonable and unpleasant he is to live with.

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Eastereggsboxedupready · 26/01/2023 11:55

Start calling him dad. Tell him nagging at you like a parent isn't an attractive quality
.

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NeedSomeHelp12 · 26/01/2023 13:32

Not sure the kid’s really notice as it’s usually a passing comment. They probably just wonder why I’m not happy. I’ve only recently realised that it’s all the negative comments but didn’t know if I was being paranoid and latching on to every little thing.

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billy1966 · 26/01/2023 14:09

NeedSomeHelp12 · 26/01/2023 13:32

Not sure the kid’s really notice as it’s usually a passing comment. They probably just wonder why I’m not happy. I’ve only recently realised that it’s all the negative comments but didn’t know if I was being paranoid and latching on to every little thing.

Do you really not think it won't affect your children to see you nagged and clearly unhappy?

You are naive on that point.

They see it and know it and that will be their memory of growing up.

Stop listening and engaging with him and start planning.

Give your children the chance of seeing a happy mum.

They deserve it.
So do you.

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