Concerns about younger relative

[beigewoodenbow]

There's a few things which have made me feel uncomfortable about my niece's relationship and I'd be grateful if anyone could give their opinion/insight into her partner's personality. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

• when they got together a few years ago he told her graphic things about previous girls and also lied that he'd slept with one particular girl who my niece had to socialise with in a group and it transpired that he was lying and hadn't.

• he was seeing someone who was in a long term relationship with someone else before he met my niece.

• he continued to show his interest in dating my niece despite her being a relationship when they met.

• niece has been in situations with him and ex girlfriends with them being overly 'touchy' of him and him not reacting or seeing it as inappropriate.

• his sister has been rude to my niece from the start of the relationship (cutting her off mid sentence deliberately, talking about ex girlfriends, rude comments) My niece turns a blind eye to this but it concerns me that her partner doesn't notice or feel protective towards her.

Lots of things in between but fast forward 2 or 3 years and they have got engaged and had a small gathering at home with close friends. My niece put up a couple of engagement banners and he asked her to take them down. He pulled a kind of embarrassed face. Hard to explain.

Some of these things I have witnessed first hand and others my niece has mentioned in passing. There have been other incidents too.

Would be grateful for thoughts. Thank you.

It doesn’t sound great tbh but all you can do is keep in touch with her, be there for her, don’t openly criticise him because she’ll stop telling you things

Yeah I haven't said a word. At this point I'd like to know if others think these are concerning.

Grateful for anyone else's thoughts. Thanks

If you don't like someone else's relationship, there's nothing you can do unless it's illegal. Even if it's your niece. She's an adult. Let her make her mistakes, and be there for her if she wants to talk to you. She won't thank you for imposing your opinions, because she has her own, and she'll want you to respect those.

If you read properly, I'm not imposing any advice, I'm asking for opinions.

Just bumping. Thanks

All sounds like quite young behaviour more than anything sinister. His/his sisters behaviour/niece's jealousy.....Assume they are young?

Many of my friends stayed friendly with ex girlfriends/boyfriends and would have been comfortable in each others company afterwards as relationships aren't always that serious in teens/20s. I guess she is suspicious because she started the relationship (even if only emotionally) whilst she was still with someone else.

I guess he found the banners a bit silly. I think with maturity you would be less likely to be embarrassed and think kindly rather than hurt someone's feelings. I can imagine being embarrassed by banners/fuss when I was young.

How patronising. I gave an opinion. Best of luck.

Thank you. They're mid 20s. The staying friends with ex partners isn't a problem. My niece does too. It's the lack of respect for her feelings that are ringing alarm bells for me. Not sure if I'm overthinking though. Thanks again.

Actually thinking about it, if I could go back to myself at that age I would tell myself it's ok to expect more/not put up with shit. Hopefully that she has told you about some of these things means on some level she isn't just accepting any old behaviour.

you’re not overthinking.

Her relationship with this man is choc full of red flags. Until she wakes up to the reality of what he and his sister are like there is not much you can do apart from listening and remaining supportive when it all comes crashing down around her ears.

I'm sorry Watchkey. I didn't mean to sound patronising.

It also makes me wonder what her boundaries in relationships are like. My guess is that they were and remain way too low and now further messed with by her fiancé. A man who also targeted her deliberately.

Most of your 'problems' are from 3 years ago when they first got together.

The rest just sounds like a normal relationship, your nieces boundaries are different to his and they need to discuss that, and the sister being rude is probably something he's used to so doesn't see it as that bad, again is something they need to discuss.

There's nothing that bad here.

Thank you. Not all of the issues are 3 years ago. Some more recent.

The incident with the ex girlfriend was her leaning over my niece to stroke the boyfriends upper thigh when they were all sitting together.

Sorry for the drip feed. Didn't want my first post to be too long.

Thanks for comments so far. Very helpful to get opinions.

Interesting that you say he targeted her. He definitely persued her for a long time despite her being in a relationship.

Just bumping one last time for any other thoughts. Thanks everyone

Interested in his stance if your niece is in touch with old boyfriends....

What does her mum think of the relationship?

My sister in law doesn't like him at all but she can be overly critical.

Thanks for commenting. In what way do you think they're red flags, looking to the future?