Need advice - strength - courage. Something

[Prythian]

I am very seriously considering leaving my relationship. In fact, I have pretty much decided I am and need to. But I’m struggling to follow through with action. Sorry for the long post.
We’ve been together 4 years. We got engaged after 1 year and have a 15 month old son. DP has a DD5 from previous relationship. We also own a business together where we provide services to clients (don’t want to name the nature as it would be very identifiable if someone I knew read this post). There are a number of other people who work with us. Our mortgage and business lease are both in my name as DP lacked the financial credit to go on as joint at the time.

There have been red flags from the beginning of our relationship. I’m not here to blame DP for our relationship downfall, I think we’ve both played a part in this. My DP struggles to tell the truth. Not maliciously, but because he is the type of person to follow the path of least resistance, no matter the cost, right or wrong. He told me lies from the beginning despite me emphasising how much I valued trust and honesty. Nothing super major and I let them all go because he insisted they came from a good place with good intentions. He’s an easy going guy, the type to agree with anything someone says. I’m more of a fiery personality, and while the opposites of our nature have sometimes worked well, our relationship has always been lacking emotionally. I was very blinded by lust at the beginning, looking at everything through rose tinted glasses. I was very attracted to him physically and we moved very quickly. I’m not perfect. I’ve lived my life in a series of wreckless decisions which has been a result of childhood trauma. Witnessing domestic abuse, emotionally abusive parents and a very traumatic divorce.

We very quickly moved in together although I didn’t meet his DD for some months. Shortly after we opened our business together as we were both looking to move on from our current places of work and our careers somewhat align. Soon after, more red flags. Lies, personality traits that clashed with my own. But at this stage I felt stuck because we lived together and had the business. My own fault for moving so quickly.

We have had lots of good times. DP is not a bad person or father and I do love him. We have had some very happy times and I’ve always held out hope that we will somehow work it out. But slowly we have become more like friends. Some events have taken place that caused me to lose tremendous respect for him as a partner. And although we’ve always tried work past our issues, it’s become like an ornament that’s just been smashed too many times and just doesn’t fit back together properly anymore. Becoming a mother changed me. I’ve done a lot of self reflection and work on myself. And I know that I want and need a more emotionally fulfilling relationship in this one short life I have. I want to do better and be better for my son and grow up in a happy healthy home with a good example of parents. I don’t want him to suffer life long mental health struggles like I have.

We spend virtually no time together. In the evenings after DS/DC are in bed he sits downstairs and I sit upstairs. And we are happy doing our own thing. We don’t cuddle or be affectionate together. Our sex life is non-existent although crops ups once or twice every few months. But I feel nothing. I’m a deeply emotional person and need that connection. Im a talker. He is a withdrawn person, poor communicator and doesn’t like to talk about feelings or emotions. I asked him to try therapy with me, as I’ve done it alone a few times and found it very helpful. He said no as he’s “just not that deep of a person to talk about feelings”.

We’ve talked a number of times about splitting up but DP maintains he’s happy and loves DS and I very much. This makes it so hard to leave. Because I start to doubt myself about the way I feel. Am I being too critical? Should I just be happy with what I have - because he’s not that bad? But I don’t believe deep down that he’s really happy. When we do argue it shows. He becomes verbally abusive towards me and a few times this has happened in front of DS which makes me sick to my core. Just last night he cursed me out and slammed the door in my face while I was holding DS. I know he instantly regretted it, but you can’t take that stuff back. I think he is resentful too and it builds up through not communicating with me until it just erupts in an argument. He told me before a relationship should have no conflict and we should just be happy. Whereas I think it’s healthy to have differing opinions and be able to discuss them. Just one of many examples where we are very different people.

If we separate I know I will keep our house as he cannot get a mortgage himself and I’m happy to leave him with the business, which I know he would want. But it just feels like I’m standing at the bottom of a huge cliff face trying to figure out how to climb it. The idea of starting over feels so daunting. Im scared how I will manage financially. I feel guilty that my son will come from
a broken home, as I did. I want to leave. I need to leave. I just need some courage or words of advice please. Thanks for reading if you got this far

We’ve talked a number of times about splitting up but DP maintains he’s happy and loves DS and I very much. This makes it so hard to leave. Because I start to doubt myself about the way I feel. Am I being too critical? Should I just be happy with what I have - because he’s not that bad? But I don’t believe deep down that he’s really happy. When we do argue it shows. He becomes verbally abusive towards me and a few times this has happened in front of DS which makes me sick to my core. Just last night he cursed me out and slammed the door in my face while I was holding DS.

This is very serious OP & I'm worried about how long it took for you to get to the core issue here - he is abusive & physically threatening.

Don't stay with this increasingly scary man because he tells you that HE's happy.
You are not, & that is reason enough.
Now that he's beginning to escalate to violence, you have no option but to protect your son & finish this.

Luckily, you are not married, & can retain 100% of your house.
As to affording to live as a single mother, given that you've set up a successful business, what to stop you from setting upo another one? It might not be immediate, but you sound like you have the werewithal to make a good life for you & DS.

Ask him to leave now - today. He can stay with a mate, or his mother, or a travelodge - it's not your problem. His behaviour last night was inexcusable & you cannot risk a repeat performance. He has, fortunately, no rights to your home so kick him out.

Then, when you no longer have him in your face, you can think properly about how you extricate yourself from the business - IF that's what you want to do.
It might be counterproductive to assume that you must quit your interest there - surely you play a vital role, & revenue would be affected by your leaving?
So no need to see this as a totally cut & dried thing. Take your time, talk to your accountant, hire a lawyer.

But get him out of your home today. His anger has escalated to unacceptable levels. Never mind how HE feels about that, or what he tells you about how much he loves you & DS. He threatened you, he slammed a door in your face - he is abusive. He must go.

I should say that this has only happened 3 maybe 4 times in the span of our relationship where he has really lost it. I wouldn’t have considered him abusive, maybe I’m just desensitised because of the physical violence I witness between my parents as a child. But he is usually a very calm person. I too raise my voice quite quickly, I almost live in a permanent state of fight or flight as my therapist once described it. I find it very hard to regulate my emotions but have been working on it every single day since having my little boy. The last time we had a bad argument in front of DS was around4 months ago. We were screaming at each other while he sat on the floor in between us terrified. It made me feel sick for weeks and I told DP if it ever happened again that the relationship was over because I wouldn’t put DS threw what I went through.

The last time we had a bad argument in front of DS was around4 months ago. We were screaming at each other while he sat on the floor in between us terrified. It made me feel sick for weeks and I told DP if it ever happened again that the relationship was over because I wouldn’t put DS threw what I went through.

And now it's happened again.
Have you told him yet, that he's not allowed in your home now that he he has done it again?

And yes - you have been minimising, due to your boundaries & perceptions being skewed by your parents' marriage. If you allow him to stay, you are tacitly condoning his threatening behaviour & violence. He slammed a door in your face while you held your child. What more do you need him to do before you ban him from your home?

In terms of the business. I will use an example. Say he is a barber and I’m a beautician. So we opened a barbers together. It makes more sense for him to stay on at the business and it’s what he does. Whereas what I do is only slightly in the same field and can be done somewhere else easily. We are both self employed in our own right, but working under the same roof if that makes sense. The business runnings happen through me as a sole trader.